Update: Husband accused me of financial infidelity?

Thank you to everyone who engaged with my initial post (AITAH: Husband accused me of “financial infidelity”? ). It’s been about a week since I first shared my situation, and I wanted to provide an update, especially for those who gave me thoughtful advice and support.

To recap briefly, my husband and I have a comfortable financial arrangement, earning approximately $200K each per year. We allocate $1,500 per month as individual “fun money” for personal hobbies and interests. Recently, I spent $5,000 of my saved fun money on a gaming setup, which sparked a heated argument. My husband accused me of “financial infidelity,” even though I was well within our agreed-upon financial boundaries.

This update isn’t just about clarifying the financial issue; it’s become evident that the argument revealed deeper cracks in our relationship. Over the past few days, my husband and I have had some difficult but honest conversations that have brought these issues to light. Here’s where things stand now.

‘ Update: Husband accused me of financial infidelity?’

Here’s the TL;DR: Husband and I (33M/33F) are fairly high income earners (about 200K/year each), own our home free and clear, no other debts of any kind – we save close to half of our income and most finances are joint but we allocate $1500/month each (plus any extra income such as from bonuses or side hustles) for “fun money” (for hobbies, luxury goods, outings with our own friends that aren’t together, etc.).

Husband tends to spend his fun money month to month due to his expensive hobbies (primarily golf) while I tend to save the majority of mine because my interests (such as running and baking) are less expensive. I have been getting back into gaming lately, though, and having saved up more than enough of my fun money, I spent $5K on a new gaming rig and really nice desk and chair.

Husband blew a gasket and accused me of “financial infidelity” even though I was operating within what I thought were our agreed-upon rules by spending my own allocated fun money on hobby stuff.. Anyway, here is the update:

My husband finally calmed down enough to have a conversation with me. As many others who provided comments suggested, it wasn’t really about the money, but a window into larger issues in our relationship. Essentially, my husband has been feeling increasingly unhappy with me for a while, for the following reasons:

* In general, he feels that he’s a lot more committed to his career development than I am to mine. It’s true that although we currently have about the same income, the ceiling for his field (finance) is a lot higher than the one for mine (tech/software dev). He’s currently in an executive training program and I’m decidedly not.

He’s feeling resentful that he he’s having to work long hours in a high-pressure environment, while I get to work primarily at home doing something that is fun and fairly easy for me and I’m not stretching myself to do more. He’s concerned that over time these resentments are going to build, and that I’m not going to end up pulling my weight financially if he takes huge leaps in his career and I don’t.

* He remarked that, since getting back into gaming a few months ago, I have been putting a bit less effort into cooking (I do nearly all the cooking because I work at home and have an easier schedule). It’s true that I have been fixing simpler meals (things like grilled chicken salads, or chili with cornbread) instead of elaborate meals with fussier foods and several sides.

He has also noticed that I haven’t been doing the elaborate table settings I used to (with flowers on the table, fancy placemats, etc.) – honestly I didn’t realize he noticed or cared about this, but apparently he does. Acts of service are one of his main love languages so overall he’s feeling a little neglected because of this.

* He also feels I’m not putting enough effort into my appearance. Not in terms of weight/body (I’m a long-distance runner and slim) but in terms of things like clothes, hair, etc. It’s true that I’ve never paid much attention to these things – given that I work at home in tech the standard for appearances is extremely low and I far exceed that.

I tend to buy simple, practical clothes at places like Target and Walmart, don’t wear much makeup and keep my hair in a simple ponytail. I do glam up a lot more for date nights and other dressy occasions, but most days he comes home from work to find me in a T-shirt and yoga pants with no makeup, and he wants me to make more of an effort.

The bottom line is that because of all these things, he’s starting to notice other women. Says he hasn’t cheated, he’s just noticing other people because he’s regularly disappointed in me. In particular, given that he works in finance there are a good number of very career-oriented, Type-A women who manage to have fantastic bodies, be effortlessly polished and glam, and have more interesting hobbies.

He also says he feels horrible about all this because he knows I am a good person and that he’s being judgmental – that it’s not so much I’ve changed as that his own goals and expectations have changed in the past couple years. The “financial infidelity” part came into it because he feels I’m not really investing in myself and our relationship – thus cheating on our future, in a sense.

He also says he loves me enough to be honest (I do believe he isn’t trying to be hurtful, I really had to drag this all this out of him). That he doesn’t want us to drift apart further, that he doesn’t want to be angry and resentful, and he knows he is asking for a lot.

I know that many on this sub might say I should just tell him to take a hike and call my lawyer, but we’ve been married for 10 years, have invested a lot in the relationship, and I want to see if the marriage can be saved. So, a couple things. First, we did make an appointment with a marriage counselor and start next week. Also, I’m going to try to do at least some of the above.

I’m not sure about making myself be more professionally ambitious when I’m already happy with my work-life balance and we’re already financially very comfortable, but I can at least try doing the other things (return to spending more time on cooking and decor, and fix myself up a bit when he’s on his way home from work) now that I know they are important to him.

I also know that in the end, I may feel like I am just tiptoeing around and contorting myself to please him, but it won’t cost me much (certainly much less than a divorce!) to try for a month or two and then see how we both feel. And I know I would always regret it if I didn’t try.

So, maybe not the update that you were expecting or hoping for, but that’s where things are. And if folks continue to be interested, I can update further once we have started marriage counseling and once I can feel out how the changes are going.

EDIT: I need to call it a night but once again thank you to everyone for your responses. They were really eye-opening and helped me to see that I do deserve better than the way I am being treated, and that the expectations my husband is laying out for me are unfair and unrealistic, especially as he isn’t doing anything at all to make it easier for me to meet them or to show me he appreciates my efforts and everything I do bring to the table.

I am indeed conditioned to be very people-pleasing and that is impacting what I think is reasonable here. I have a lot to think about, such as – what do I “really” want here? What is going to make me happy, especially if I have to keep making myself smaller (metaphorically speaking) and contorting myself to please my husband? Do I really want to be in a marriage under those conditions? I think I’m really selling myself short if I just agree to most of what he demands. Still going to go to the marriage counseling appointment but I think I will wait to make any other changes until we can at least get some professional input.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Outside-Ad-1677 −  So you have to change everything, be a chef, a home maker, be prettier and a type a career women so he can control himself and keep his d**k in his pants? Yeh, totally f**king reasonable.

Takeabreak128 −  Love the way he put ALL the weight on you. What is he bringing to the table? Maybe if he sent you some flowers regularly, they’d be on the dinner table. Mr. finance has drunk the kool aid. Got a feeling in another 10 years you won’t be able to stand him. He now wants an accessory wife. You’re worth much more than that and making the same damn money. At the end of this crisis, I hope you know your worth. Good luck and remember who you are.

TwistyHeretic2 −  So he wants you to be checks notes:
1. A career-oriented go-getter.
2. A glammed-up bit of arm candy

3. AND a perfect Susie Homemaker in a pastel twin-set and pearls.
Sorry, darling… he’s full of it. He’s trying to make *his* wandering eyes and loose zipper *your* fault. I’ll bet $50 mil (in Monopoly money) that he’s already cheating.

Spare-Article-396 −  OP, I feel for you. Your replies are painful to read because they have so much hope in them and you seem to be rationalizing this batshit expectation that you further your career, put on lipstick, and put flowers on the table. It’s such a disproportionate life. I hope it’s not as futile as it seems to be. Good luck.

Shot_Show2409 −  He’s proposing that someone making $200k a year won’t pull their weight financially? He’s an i**ot. I’d take my massive salary and leave. Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy keep you with someone who doesn’t respect you or even seem to *like* you.

SheepPup −  I wanna point out something. You keep saying his love language is acts of service, but *what acts of service does he do for you*? My love language is quality time and gifts so I like to do things like figure out tickets to a show someone would like and go see it with them, or just simply a dvd of a movie I think they’d like.

A gift that lets me spend time with them. It’s how I express my love for people, and I feel appreciated when people do similar things for me in return. But if he is not *giving* acts of service then bull-f**king-s**t is his love language acts of service, that’s just his excuse to *demand* servility from you while offering you nothing in return.

Grimouire −  Not sure how his changing expectations are a you problem. Either way where do his expectations end, is it even possible for you to ever achieve? Sounds like he’s doing a grass is greener thing. Ohhh woe is me, I have to work longer, harder in a field that is stressful and make about the same as you and you enjoy your job, and chill…. Good luck!

Kirris −  I read the first post and forgot how insane it was. I feel like he is trying to exert an overt level of control for some reason. Also, accusing you of financial infidelity whilst he is “noticing” women because of your various small perceived faults, feels super gross to me.

A part of me is wondering if he is already pursuing an outside relationship or has someone already in mind. This whole situation in his head is his “attempt” to fix you so he doesn’t have to cheat. The whole situation is super weird OP. If you wanna hold onto the marriage, institute a couple or all of his ideas (except giving up your game station you spent your money on) Maybe that will be what he is looking for.

In my opinion, you will do everything he is asking for and he will add more onto the list, to try and build you into the woman he already wants to cheat on you with. Good luck OP. I think your husband is being a major twat and should be grateful for what he has in a ten year relationship. Not looking at the grass across the other side of the fence, as it seems he is doing.

Sarnadas −  Oh this dude is already cheating. The whole situation reeks of disgusting amounts of privilege, but this all ends in misery so I’m not envious of anyone here. Dude has already fucked around, though, and that sucks.

pigandpom −  His changing expectations are not your problem. He is basically saying he resents the fact uou found a career that brings you satisfaction and have no desire to climb higher because you’re satisfied.

He wants you to put more effort into your appearance for him to come home to, is he also expecting you to be at the door waiting when he gets home with a scotch on the rocks and his slippers in your hands, fluffing the cushion on his recliner as he sits, while you go back to the kitchen to finish cooking a 3 course meal which you serve him and then clean up on your own after as he sits, smokes a cigar and reads the paper, it’s not 1950.

Him telling you he’s been looking, but hasn’t strayed is his way of trying to pull you into the line he wants you to follow. Yes, you’ve invested 10 years of your life in this marriage, but are you prepared to make substantial changes to yourself and your own interests because he feels dissatisfied. Would he make the same changes for you. Would he work less hours, spend less time on his hobbies, dress the way you want, behave the way you want. I’m guessing no, he wouldn’t.

Further Update: Husband accused me of financial infidelity?