Update: husband (32m) killing my (31f) houseplants with bleach. How to move forward?

A woman, after discovering that her husband had been violently abusive and emotionally neglectful, is now in the process of divorcing him. Her husband has stopped showing interest in their daughter and even expressed a desire to give up his parental rights.

Despite the trauma, she finds solace in the positive changes in her daughter’s behavior, who seems happier and more joyful since her father left. The woman is now seeking advice on how to ensure her daughter feels safe and loved, especially after the emotional toll of their home environment during her father’s presence.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/hCIQs

‘ Update: husband (32m) killing my (31f) houseplants with bleach. How to move forward?’

I’ve recently got some messages asking for me to update and let the Internet know I’m safe. My daughter and I are both safe. Without getting into too much detail but to satiate the curious. My husband, the man I thought I knew, has changed so much that I think of it like him ripping off a mask.

He’s sworn at me screamed at me and pushed me to the ground twice and kicked me in the face. Our entire marriage I was never ever afraid of physical violence from this man. The police have been involved. Divorce is still in progress.

After an initial period of intense anger my husband seemingly stopped caring at all though. He’s said he doesn’t want any custody and he wants to give up his parental rights of our daughter. He doesn’t see her. In the last month I have heard he actually has a new girlfriend.

His parents still talk to me, I was on good terms with his mom. Also a friend of my husband’s who has been friends with him since college reached out to me to ask what is going on. We texted.

He says my husband has ghosted that entire group of friends he still had after someone in the group called him out for some sort assholish behavior. One positive thing, that is also sad, is that my daughter is bright and wonderful. There’s been such a profound change to her behavior since her dads been gone.

She’s happy and silly and joyful. I guess there’s been a change in both her and my behavior. I think of it like the frog in the boiling pot. I was sitting there boiling to my d**th and never realized. We lived in a house of walking on eggshells.

If husband was upset he would infect the house with hostility. I’m not sure I can describe it. I was constantly on guard and never able to relax. I was not afraid of physical violence though, so I don’t want to describe it as something more serious than it was.

Thank you all for making me realize I was in that boiling pot. This sub says I need to pose a question to post. What can I do for my daughter to let her know she’s safe and loved always? I know I failed her whenever I heard her dad yelling at her about the dollhouse.

I can say I tried to step in at all times when I heard it going on but that doesn’t seem enough. I feel so guilty. She is on a waiting list for therapy. Our structure is still the same. She looks like she’s thriving but I just don’t know.

See what others had to share with OP:

Posterbomber −  I think both you and she should be in some type of therapy. This way when stuff comes up with her, you’ll have someone professional to help you do the right things so she can grow into a healthy trusting woman.

Ally2502 −  Thank you for updating. I am so glad you are out of that marriage. I am so glad your daughter is thriving. It’s better to be raised by a single, happy, wonderful mum, than having a miserable POS of a father in her life!

I know this whole thing is excruciatingly difficult but you are doing great. Keep pushing forward, one day at the time, and maybe consider therapy. and from one plant lover to another, may you rebuild your green oasis soon!

Raibean −  You can say sorry. You can say that you made the wrong decision, and you will never make it again. And no matter what, you’re always on her side now. It’s okay to cry. Just get the words out.

RedneckDebutante −  It’s important for our kids to see us apologize and know that we make mistakes, too. You talk to her, let her ask any questions, and be as honest as is age-approprite. Never, ever lie or try to be “the bigger person.”

It’s vital she be armed with the tools to spot manipulators and remain safe. Let her know she is safe and work to empower her. Your urge is going to be sheltering her. You need to balance that with letting her feel strong. Be her safety net.

erydanis −  do *not* downplay the abuse you and your daughter suffered because it wasn’t physical. physical damage [ usually ] heals. but emotional damage lasts.

SnooWords4839 −  ((HUGS)) Just ensure the 2 of you get therapy and be wary of MIL.

Flailing_ameoba −  Talk to your daughter about how her father’s treatment of the two of you was scary and unacceptable and that that’s why he’s moved out. Tell her everyone loses things sometimes and no one should yell at her for it, ever. Make sure you each have therapists, especially you.

The more healed you become, the more you’ll be able to support your daughter. I am sorry you’re still going through this OP. Divorcing a maniac should take less time than this. I’m also deeply worried for the new gf. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.

SunMoonTruth −  I think of it like the frog in the boiling pot. I was sitting there boiling to my d**th and never realized. We lived in a house of walking on eggshells. If husband was upset he would infect the house with hostility. I’m not sure I can describe it.

I was constantly on guard and never able to relax. I was not afraid of physical violence though, so I don’t want to describe it as something more serious than it was. This is actually very serious. It’s like living with a 1,000 lb weight on your chest at all times.

The fear becomes a part of your being and infects every moment. In the house, or out. With him or without him. I’m glad your daughter is feeling the lightness of freedom. Let him give up his parental rights. Let your daughter be free and joyous without having to factor his dark shadow into her days.

ChillWisdom −  I’d like to ask you if in retrospect there were any things that you remember early on that you should have seen as a red flag? Is there a way you could have been more alert to him having some kind of evil tendencies?

I asked so that people reading this can look at their own relationship and maybe be alerted in advance before they get married and have children with someone like this.

NoHandBananaNo −  I was not afraid of physical violence though, so I don’t want to describe it as something more serious than it was. I mean he ended up kicking you in the face so you not being afraid DOES NOT mean there was no physical violence to be afraid of, just that you didnt know there was.

My advice is never downplay it OP. Im not saying dwell on it but he was also psychologically torturing your child. Its important for her that you always see it as serious as it was.