UPDATE: How do I [F37] tell my daughter [MtF16] that her father and family don’t want her coming for Christmas?

The mother (37F) updates the Reddit community on how things went after telling her transgender daughter (MtF, 16) that her father and his family had excluded her from Christmas due to her transition. Claire was heartbroken, but the mother reassured her that they would create their own meaningful traditions.

They attended a midnight mass together, and Christmas Day was spent with a friend and a thoughtful gift to help Claire feel more comfortable in her identity. Claire is still struggling with her father’s rejection, and they plan to continue offering support while sending him information to help him understand. Read the full update below:

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/sPPkP

‘ UPDATE: How do I [F37] tell my daughter [MtF16] that her father and family don’t want her coming for Christmas?’

Well the holiday season is over now and there’s a lot to tell you guys about how everything went down. Things didn’t end up as well as I’d hoped but they weren’t as bad as I feared so honestly I would call that a win. Let’s start with how I told Claire about not going to Christmas Eve.

I basically told her what sarah8 said: “Your dad’s family isn’t ready to accept you for who you are, and that is their loss. They are in denial, and they think that they can change you by not inviting you for Christmas. I’m sorry Claire. We both know you deserve better.” She didn’t take it well. She was heartbroken but I knew she would be no matter what.

That night we had ice cream and she just cried for a while and I comforted her. I researched a bit on the churches in our area and called a few to ask about their views on transgender people and found one that might work before I asked Claire if she wanted to go with me to a midnight mass.

She was grateful that I would go with her and we went to a nice mass that was not so religious that I felt uncomfortable, but religious enough for her to enjoy mass. We will probably continue going there in the future. Christmas Day was good. She invited one of her closest friends over for a while so that she wasn’t the only teenager.

She loved her present from me. I got her those fake gel insert breasts and some nice bras so she can feel more like a woman instead of a little kid. Some of you might tell me she isn’t old enough for a gift like that but I could tell it made her feel more comfortable in her own skin. The bad part is that she’s still hung up over her father not wanting to see her.

I learned recently that she emailed him or Facebook messaged him and begged him to at least come to our Christmas or come visit and she never got a reply. Last week we went to her therapist and so far it didn’t seem to help. I think she’s still in shock that someone she loves so much sees her as something that shouldn’t exist.

We’re still trying to work through it. I contacted some of her aunts and uncles but they don’t want to see her either. It’s upsetting but we will find a way. Claire also read some of your responses to my first post and she wanted to say thank you. I wanted to thank you as well. We’re just going to send her father some research on trans people and hope he eventually sees the light.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

we_got_caught −  You are a fantastic mother and I am so glad that Claire has you there to support her.

TorchedBlack −  Don’t hold your breath on him changing his mind. This is something you both need to prepare for, that he may never come around. The sooner Claire can come to accept that as a possibility, the sooner she can move on and deal with the loss of a father.

He may surprise you but its more prudent to prepare for the worst, Claire’s life for the foreseeable future will be hard enough as is due to the fact that public perception of transfolk hasn’t quite caught up to the rest of LBGT. You seem to be doing everything right, and I don’t think Claire could have asked for a more supportive mother. Good luck to both of you.

[Reddit User] −  Some of you might tell me she isn’t old enough for a gift like that but I could tell it made her feel more comfortable in her own skin. She’s 16. Most girls go through that phase around 13. She is more than old enough to feel like a lady. 😉

The bad part is that she’s still hung up over her father not wanting to see her. That’s not an easy thing and it’s going to take a lot of time to deal with that level of abandonment. It will take time but this may always hurt her. You are a great mom. You are doing good. Stay by her, and see about a trans support group. It may help her.

butt_dagget −  I work as a service provider for LGBTQ clients and you are really doing everything right. What your daughter needs is support for who she is and you are doing just that. Unfortunately, trans folks and especially trans women are treated with an incredible amount of contempt by many in society.

Claire going to a therapist already is great so she can learn strategies and coping mechanisms to protect herself from hurt. However, like another commenter said, both her and you need to plan for her father and his family not ever accepting her. This is an unfortunate reality that many, many people in the queer community face.

Nothing comes over night, and Claire is going to be very hurt, but dealing with the grief of losing a parent in a constructive way will only help her in the long run. Some folks learn to forgive or empathize with family members where as some are less constructive and turn to anger.

Ultimately, as a trans woman, Claire is certainly going to face similar or worse behaviours from fellow students, colleagues, and strangers. Learning to deal with this in a positive way is only going to make her that much stronger of a person.

sofaking6 −  You’re a good mom who will stand up for her kid and do what’s right and what’s compassionate and loving. I think Claire will be just fine as long as she has you.

traheidda −  I don’t think she’s too young for breasts or a bra, that’s just part of being a teenaged girl. But really, you sound like a fantastic mom.

[Reddit User] −  Realizing you’re not loved by a parent can be so, so hard. I’m incredibly glad that she has you, and her friends, and her faith. It’s an absolute tragedy that her dad helped build a person who’s growing up so full of affection and idealism, only to turn his back on her when faced with the unexpected,

but I hope she’s able to fill up on so much love from those other sources that she’ll one day be able to heal even if her dad never comes around.. Also: I got her those fake gel insert breasts and some nice bras so she can feel more like a woman instead of a little kid. Some of you might tell me she isn’t old enough for a gift like that…

Nah, she’s 16! Most girls start trying on womanhood around there regardless of whether their parents are supportive open books or try to repress the hell out of ’em. Plenty of parents don’t even like to think about their kids developing breasts, and it screws people up; having a mother who just flat-out hands her a pair of artificial boobs to try on for size can only be helpful!. Best of luck to you both.

DoctorDank −  You’re a good mom, and I am sure Claire will appreciate what you did for her, especially as she gets older and reflects upon it. As far as the dad’s side of the family is concerned, hopefully they’ll come around to Claire once they figure out it’s not “just a phase,” but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

sleepfight −  *Christmas Day was good. She invited one of her closest friends over for a while so that she wasn’t the only teenager. She loved her present from me. I got her those fake gel insert breasts and some nice bras so she can feel more like a woman instead of a little kid.

Some of you might tell me she isn’t old enough for a gift like that but I could tell it made her feel more comfortable in her own skin.* This is incredibly touching, and also absolutely age-appropriate. You’re a great mom.

acatmaylook −  This made me tear up…I usually lurk but just wanted to add on to everyone telling you what a wonderful parent you are. I’m so glad your daughter has you to take care of her even if some other family members do not accept who she is.

It’s evident that the journey is far from easy, but the resilience and love between mother and daughter are beautiful. With time, understanding, and support, Claire will continue to find strength in herself and the people who truly care. How would you help someone in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below.