Update: How do I (49f) move forward after my daughter (22F) hid her father’s affair from me for two years?

A mother (49F) shares a heartfelt update on her journey to rebuild trust and connection with her daughter (22F) after discovering that she had hidden her father’s affair for two years.

Through open communication, therapy, and a willingness to move forward, she navigates a complex web of pain, betrayal, and understanding. Read the full story below.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/lkrHx

‘ Update: How do I (49f) move forward after my daughter (22F) hid her father’s affair from me for two years?’

First, I want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I was honestly o**rwhelmed by the sheer number of replies. I tried my best to read through as many as I could, and some of the advice was hard to hear, but necessary. It’s been a lot to take in, but one comment really stayed with me.

Someone mentioned how fragile life is and how little time we really have with the people we love. That struck me deeply. I’ve been so consumed by pain and anger that I forgot to think about what I’d want my relationship with my daughter to look like in the long run.

If something were to happen tomorrow, would I be okay with leaving things as they are? That thought stayed with me, and within a few days, I decided to contact my daughter. I told her I wanted us to talk, not to rehash the past or point fingers, but to figure out how we could move forward.

She was hesitant at first, which I completely understand. We had the conversation a few nights ago, and while it wasn’t easy, I’m grateful she was willing to open up. There were tense moments, and I won’t lie—it was hard to hear some of what she said. But for the first time in a long while,

I felt like we were finally addressing what had been festering between us. We talked about what had happened, and I finally asked her for the truth about everything. When I first discovered her father’s affair, he told me that she had always known about it. In fact, he claimed she had been his ally, hiding things from me multiple times.

He even said that she disliked me and was on his side. Hearing that from him was devastating. I couldn’t believe my daughter would do something like that or feel that way about me. The way I found out about the affair was awful, and the idea that my daughter had played any part in it, even unknowingly, made it so much worse.

At first, she was very reluctant to talk about it, but eventually, she opened up and started sharing everything, including what led up to her actions. A few months before discovering the affair, she had been involved in a difficult situation at her high school.

Without going into specifics, it was a matter where her actions led to serious consequences. The school had a zero-tolerance policy, and as a result, she was expelled. She had to transfer to a new school and repeat the year. On top of that, her grades took a hit, and she was finding it challenging to get back on track.

When it happened, I felt it was important for her to face the full weight of her actions and take responsibility for what she had done. I grounded her and took away her electronics, hoping the consequences would help her reflect and grow. I wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation and emerge from it as a better person.

Her father, however, completely disagreed with my approach. He felt I was being too harsh, insisting that she had already learned her lesson and needed support rather than punishment. The tension in our household became unbearable.

Between my frustration with him and my disappointment in her actions, I found it harder and harder to communicate properly with her. There were constant fights, arguments that seemed to erupt over everything and nothing at the same time. It wasn’t just them; therapy over the past year helped me realize that I played a part too.

My hurt and frustration often came out as anger, and instead of addressing things calmly, I let my emotions take control. I was constantly angry and frustrated, and my mood probably created an even more tense and uncomfortable environment for everyone.

So, when she found out about his affair shortly after, she was angry at me and still reeling from everything that had happened. She admitted that part of her decision to stay quiet was fueled by a desire to get back at me. She felt like keeping the secret was her way of taking revenge, though she now realizes how wrong that was.

She also told me she had tried to get her father to come clean, but he discouraged her from doing so, telling her that I had already been disappointed enough by her situation and that she shouldn’t make things worse. Feeling trapped, she lied and kept lying, hoping it would somehow blow over without me finding out.

Hearing this from her was heartbreaking. It didn’t justify what she did, but it helped me understand her perspective. Knowing her father pressured her to keep his secret makes my anger toward him even stronger.

He broke everything with his affair and then used our daughter to cover for him, making her feel trapped and responsible for his lies. I hate what he put her through. To be honest, our marriage was already going through a rough patch at the time, and we likely would’ve ended up divorcing anyway.

However, it’s one thing to fail as a husband, but to fail so completely as a parent is unforgivable. They always had a good relationship, and I never wanted to ruin that for her, even when I was angry. But seeing how he used her in his lies has only deepened my resentment.

I told her that I’ve been hurt, not just by her actions, but by how deeply they shook my trust in her. At the same time, I reminded her that I love her, and I always will. I said that while I can’t change the past, I want to rebuild our relationship. We agreed to take things one step at a time.

I suggested we try online therapy together, and while she was hesitant at first, she agreed. She’s already been seeing a therapist on her own and wasn’t sure about opening up in a joint session, but I think she ultimately realized how much I want to make this work. I also brought up her brother.

They’ve never had the closest relationship, he’s always been more of a reserved, independent person, while she’s more outgoing and emotional. There’s been tension between them in the past, and ever since he overheard what happened with her hiding the affair, they’ve barely spoken.

I’ve tried to talk to him about maybe giving her another chance, even when I wasn’t on the best of terms with her. I really want them to have a good relationship, but I also don’t want to push him too much. He’s his own person, and I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to force him into something he isn’t ready for or doesn’t want to do.

He’s allowed to make his own decisions, and if they need time apart to heal, I’ll respect that. Someone mentioned the unrealistic standards we often hold women to, and I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I don’t hold her to any impossible standard just because she’s a woman.

She is the light of my life, but sometimes, I realize I’ve shared everything in such a negative way because of how it all played out. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I don’t know exactly where I stand or what I’m feeling at times.

I’m just moving through life like anyone else, doing the best I can. Thank you all again for your advice and for giving me the push I needed to start this conversation. It’s not easy, but I’m hopeful we’ll get through this, one step at a time.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

bluepvtstorm −  Please let go of the idea of your son and daughter being close. Don’t push for it. Don’t ask for it. Just let it go. People choose who they want to engage with and quite frankly if I were your son I would not want to be around your daughter either.
They won’t be close and you need to be ok with that.

FartFace319 −  She also told me she had tried to get her father to come clean, but he discouraged her from doing so, telling her that I had already been disappointed enough by her situation and that she shouldn’t make things worse.  You married a truly disgusting and vile person.

Mr_Wh0ever −  Damn, your ex-husband is a villain. But yeah, one day at a time, therapy, all that stuff. The pain doesn’t go away, but it does get duller. Here’s hoping everything works out for you.

CADreamn −  Your ex used your daughter’s guilt about whatever happened in school as a weapon to manipulate her into staying quiet about his affair to “avoid hurting you any more than her actions already had.” She was a 17 year-old child being manipulated by her own father. This is entirely, 100% on him.

He basically told her that if she disclosed his affair, *she would be responsible for your further pain and the breakup of your family.* What child wouldn’t fall into this trap? I hope you can find it in your heart to let this go because she bears no responsibility here. 

Back_In_St_Olaf_ −  I’m glad that you and your daughter are trying therapy together. But I would like to suggest that the focus should not only be repairing your relationship with each other, but also to encourage her to set boundaries with her father.

It sounds as though he not only manipulates her, but also enables some poor behavior, and in order to get to an emotionally healthy place she should distance herself from that. I wish you both the very best.

South-Amoeba-5863 −  Your husband is even worse for involving her, but she is also a victim. He was crude and sloppy enough to expose her to his secret, then forced her to bear the burden and shame.

I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to realize any child would handle it like walking in on an intimate moment and bury it as far from the forefront of her thoughts as humanly possible just to get through. It was his betrayal, and the responsibility to expose him cannot be placed on her shoulders.

This is a real opportunity to bond with her if you don’t treat her like a perpetrator. You were both victimized by him on behalf of your relationship with him. Now she’s lost both parents and a sibling. You’ve lost a cheating husband, but you’re not the child whose been isolated and labeled as a villain.

What happened to you is devastating. I would feel so alone and hurt if my daughter did that, but I’d have to put being a mom ahead of my martial problems. She doesn’t belong in that area of your life. She already knows more than she should. The best thing you can do is to be the one to shield her from any further knowledge.

Even if she asks how it’s going, since she feels involved and partially responsible. Show her the mercy her father withheld so she go back to just being a daughter, not his confidante or your shoulder to cry on. Five or ten years from now will be too late, and you’ve both already been through so much.

I know this feels like a disaster in the moment, but you’ll feel so much better once you close this chapter and move forward without his selfish influence on your life and family.

Thylunaprincess −  To everyone saying “she was vindictive, she knew what she was doing, she was old enough to understand” her father was literally manipulating saying SHE would be the cause of the heart break her mother experiencing if SHE tells her mom. She is a child regardless of the legality.

You don’t magically become a fully mature adult. And legally she was still a child. Everyone is blaming her daughter more than the actual GROWN MAN who did the deed and brought his CHILD into it.

And op still didn’t behave properly. She was mad at her daughter more than her ex. Her behaviour was pathetic. I honestly feel sorry for the daughter because she was genuinely struggling and is still probably blaming herself for this

FumblingFuck −  When I was a kid, my mom was cheating on my step dad and it slowly went from, “you don’t want to make him go crazy if he finds out, right?” to, “don’t go home tonight, I told step dad I’m with you elsewhere so find somewhere to be.” and it was miserable the entire time.

At 16 I didn’t know how to tell a full grown adult that they were being deceived like this. Would my telling my step dad cause him to see red and kill the messenger? Would this RUIN my mom’s life and maybe I, a child, should just mind my own business? Every moment we were all together gave me stomach pain. Please really work on forgiving her.

Danixveg −  Holy crap you are both really s**tty parents. No wonder your kids have issues.

musicmammy −  The way I see it, your ex is a pos…he took a vulnerable young girls anger at you and used it to his advantage turning her more against you. She definitely needs therapy to help process and navigate through this, and it might also help your son.

Rebuilding trust after betrayal is never easy, especially within a family. This mother’s efforts to heal, forgive, and move forward with her daughter are inspiring. How would you approach such a delicate situation? Can forgiveness truly mend such deep wounds? Share your thoughts below!