Update: How do I (25F) go about cutting my mother (59F) off financially?

A Redditor (25F) shared an update on her plan to move out of her parents’ home to gain independence despite their intense resistance. After informing her parents about her decision, she faced backlash, accusations of selfishness,

and cultural expectations that she should live with them until marriage. Despite the guilt and mind games, she is determined to prioritize her well-being while navigating the fallout. Read the original story below for the full update:

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/ELyMC

‘ Update: How do I (25F) go about cutting my mother (59F) off financially?’

As of today, I have furnished my new place and today I told them that I plan to move out over the coming weeks and all hell broke loose. I’m in a very low place now but deep down I know im doing the right thing. I was given a lecture for over an hour, Among the things they said:

1. Moving out will destroy the family relationship. 2. I am being selfish to think that I should be independent. 3. Im trying to abandon my culture and he an American. 4. Instead of paying money in rent I should be saving so we can all buy a house together. 5. It is wrong for a girl to not stay with her family before marriage as it will damage my prospects.

6. I should stay to fix the issues we have as a family. 7. They need my financial support still. 8. I will be leaving the spiritual covering of God from my parents and bad things will start happening to me. 9. Other people will look down on me and the family.. 10. I am selfish.

So they have decided that since I can’t break the lease, my Aunty will start staying there ( in the apartment I payed for and furnished with my money) instead for the lease period while I stay home. Honestly I can’t explain how horrible I feel. I feel like a bad child, a selfish person but I’m still going to move. If they stop speaking to me so be it.

I’ve offered to visit every weekend but they said no, I have to stay with them till I marry. I will still try to offer some financial support when I can because I can’t bear for them to struggle financially, but right now I am officially a black sheep, selfish daughter and who is causing family trouble. I can’t take the mind games anymore.

Check out how the community responded:

killerqueen5 −  Do not let your aunty stay there! Your name is on the lease. Don’t give them a key, cut them off if you have too. You deserve your own happiness.

dialemformurder −  **1. Moving out will destroy the family relationship.** *Their reaction* to you moving out will destroy their relationship with you. It’s not your actions that will have this effect. **2. I am being selfish to think that I should be independent.**

I understand that this varies by culture, but it sounds like you’re in the US. Independence is valued. It’s not the same as selfishness. You can take care of yourself *and* (deserving) others. Currently you’re only taking care of others.

**3. Im trying to abandon my culture and he an American.** Well, if they didn’t want you to be an American, they shouldn’t have raised their family in the US. You have access to the best of both worlds, mix-and-match whichever works for you (not for them). **4. Instead of paying money in rent I should be saving so we can all buy a house together.**

Oh f**k no, what a nightmare. Do not tie yourselves to them like this financially. **5. It is wrong for a girl to not stay with her family before marriage as it will damage my prospects.** Actually most US men will be more interested in a woman with her own place, who’s lived on her own. Distance from your family will improve your prospects — you’ll become more self-assured and confident.

**6. I should stay to fix the issues we have as a family.** They don’t want to fix any issues. They just want their maid back. To them, that *is* the only way to “fix the issues”. **7. They need my financial support still.** They *want* your financial support. You *need* your independence. Your needs are more important than their wants.

**8. I will be leaving the spiritual covering of God from my parents and bad things will start happening to me.** What, your parents have some special “in” with God, and he’ll just ignore you if you no longer live under their roof? Pfft. **9. Other people will look down on me and the family.**

Most people will be proud of you for breaking free. Otherwise, who cares — live your life for you, not based on what others will (allegedly) think of you.. **10. I am selfish.** The selfish party here is NOT you. It’s your parents, who expect you to pick up after them and pay them for the privilege!! Instead of buying into their guilt-laden nonsense, I recommend you:. * Move out as planned.

* Do not give them keys to your apartment, even for a second. They will copy them and they will barge in and take over. Never let them even see the keys. * Preferably don’t give them your address, unless their anger blows over. If they need to contact you, they can call or email.

They don’t need to come by and start interfering. * Believe in yourself. You are doing the right thing. They simply want to hold you back for their own benefit — you are the only person in this scenario who can look out for you!

jemsann −  I’ve been were you are right now. I come from a similar culture and religion, where children are supposed to live with their parents until marriage and especially women to protect their virginity. You need to go on an info diet. They don’t need to know when your lease is up or how much you’re paying in rent.

From now on, try (and I know it’s hard) to tell them and not come across as asking. So try to say “I’m moving out on the X day” and when they argue, don’t be pulled in and defend yourself. You’re an adult and you’ve said your piece. Look up grey rocking and DARVO and best of luck!

[Reddit User] −  I wish I had advice for you. But they wont accept this is happening until it’s done. I’m sorry. But they cannot tell you how to spend your money in america. You are 100% doing the right thing for yourself. I know I dont have much advice to give, but I can offer my hugs and pride for your strength and resilience in the face of such unyielding people.

sparklespaz782 −  Your parents seem bonkers to me. I am sure it is a giant cultural difference but eff those mysogonistic standards. Move out. Be happy. Make lots of lovely friends and have them over often. You can make your own family if your biological family decides their need to control you is more important than your happiness. Lots of love and good luck with your move. Stand your ground!

ErnestBatchelder −  So they have decided that since I can’t break the lease, my Aunty will start staying there. Contact the landlord first thing tomorrow and tell him not to let anyone other than you have a key. Stop telling your parents anything. Don’t plan on moving out over weeks, pack a large suitcase and leave. Make sure all your financials are separate from them, and that they do not know your bank info.

Your parents have no legal right to detain you or force you to live with them when you are 25. Your parents have no special relationship with any god that deems you now spiritually unworthy. No one in the US is going to look down on you for being an independent young woman who is financially responsible. Your parent’s bad financial decisions are not your responsibility.

They would not treat your brother this way. Anyone who would be a great partner to have in life is not going to be dissuaded by your decision. Any partner that insists you should remain under parental control until marriage is NOT a good partner. They are imposing a patriarchal b**lshit level of control over you that 1) is not love it is control. and, 2) does not respect you as an individual with wants or needs or your agency.

Instead of paying money in rent I should be saving so we can all buy a house together. No, no you certainly should not. OP, get into your new place and start looking for a counselor who is sensitive to immigrant issues specifically around the treatment of women as second class citizens. It may take a long time to get their negative voices out of your head, but you are actually doing yourself an amazing favor by starting at 25.

In time, you will find the balance with your folks. They won’t write you off altogether, even if they are angry for some time as you make this cultural shift that they will be forced to accept. Congratulations on your new place, and good luck!

RandomTasked −  Uh, make sure they don’t know the address of where your apt is…

[Reddit User] −  I’m also a black sheep daughter from a South Asian Muslim family. My advice, be the bad guy. It’s for your own long term happiness. I was a traditional “good daughter”, good at school, financially independent, supported family, did all the household chores and raised my siblings since I was 12. You get the picture.

None of that mattered when I moved out. I got all the same excuses as you and my parents tried everything. It was painful but I dug my heels in and left. I was lucky because despite my parents best efforts, my younger siblings were on my side and it didn’t affect our relationship.

Stay strong OP, this may sound impossible now but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are not a bad daughter if you leave. You’re not a bad person if you leave. People will talk, but they’ll get over it. Trust me.

acuteaddict −  Okay so I have the same exact parents. Probably same cultural background. Leave while you can. They will get over it. They’re not physically stopping you from leaving and all the mental manipulation will stop holding once you move. If you give in this time, be prepared to always give in.

You’re 25 darling, you are an adult and you earn your money. They won’t cut you off, they will come around. Also don’t tell them everything. When I moved, I made sure to have all my contracts set in place, my lease signed and all I said is that I am moving and gave them a date.

I had the same exact lecture until the day I left and I still sometimes get it when I go visit and over the phone. I’m a similar age to you as well so don’t worry, it will work out. But you have to stick to your guns and be strong, if they see that they can guilt trip you, they will.

StrangerOnTheReddit −  Can I ask what cultural background your family has? It sounds like a lot of backwards thinking, from a culture where women aren’t respected or considered *real* people. If their love is conditional, it isn’t really love. You do you, girl.

Edit: also, your aunt is NOT moving in unless she is paying rent and is also on the lease. You will make yourself a world of trouble with your landlord if she isn’t on the lease, and there is absolutely no reason for you to have a babysitter in the home you pay for.

Choosing independence can be one of the hardest decisions, especially when it comes with cultural and familial guilt. This Redditor’s determination to prioritize her mental health is inspiring, even in the face of intense opposition. What advice would you give to someone dealing with similar family pressures? Share your thoughts below.