UPDATE: Girlfriend (26F) says I (27M) am not supporting her adequately?

A Reddit user (27M) updates about his relationship with his girlfriend (26F), who has been struggling with grief and anger after not getting into the college she wanted, despite not applying. He feels inadequate in supporting her, as she wants more emotional involvement, like the hand-holding support other friends have provided her.

Despite trying to have discussions about their relationship and what he can do to help, she accuses him of not caring enough. Recently, she’s been increasingly upset, even blaming him for her emotional turmoil. The user questions if he’s a bad boyfriend or if the relationship is just not working. Read the full story below…

‘ UPDATE: Girlfriend (26F) says I (27M) am not supporting her adequately?’

It’s been an intense few weeks. To summarize the original post, my girlfriend didn’t get into the college she wanted and is paralyzed with grief and anger. In moments of clarity she blames me for it. The problem is she didn’t apply.

Since making the original post I briefly looked for therapy but found I had no time to balance it with my own professional and educational commitments, as I’m a full-time grad student and salaried employee. I’ve also tried seriously to force a discussion about the state of our relationship, how we got here, and where we’re going.

This hasn’t been great, as it’s spiralled into her self-deprecating, then switching back to being angry at me. I’ve put an emphasis on asking what I can personally do better: usually she hasn’t said anything, but a few times she’s told me I’d know if I really cared about her or wanted to help. That stings.

There has however been one valuable takeaway. She told me on one occasion that she needed handholding to make it through intimidating processes, such as applying to schools or jobs.

She gave as examples a friend who took her to a bar, got her drunk, and registered her for community college, without whom she wouldn’t have gone at all, and another friend who came over and did her portfolio photography for her. Hearing these, I immediately felt ashamed, because these are the kinds of things I’d resisted doing.

In truth, I was afraid of getting too tied up in her business. Maybe that’s unseemly of a boyfriend; maybe it’s cowardly. I don’t know. I do know that I have failed in a significant way. It’s frankly hard for me to tell what’s normal, as I’ve had rather few committed relationships.

What is clear is that this sucks. Right now we’re in finals season, and she’s not taking it easy. She asked me to help her study last night and ended up spiraling at the site of materials, crying, and then accusing me of not wanting to help.

Today I came home to her in bed in the dark. We’re to the point where she greets me with “f**k you.” So again I’ll ask: where are we going from here? Am I just a bad boyfriend?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Crowexee −  Dude, you’re allowing yourself to be treated like s**t because she’s feeling like s**t over where her grades and academic ability got her and you’re taking it on the chin. Shouldering her responsibility and to be honest it seems like if her friends didn’t do anything for her she wouldn’t have done s**t.

It just seems like she wants a punching bag emotionally when it’s convenient for her. You’ve done a lot but what has she done herself to fix her own personal issues? You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink

FSmertz −  Your girlfriend has serious psychological problems that are beyond the scope of Reddit and yourself. She has the emotional intelligence of a 6 year old, expecting others, including you, to take over baseline adult responsibilities. This is not a person you can bank a happy future with.

Elfich47 −  She is expecting you to carry her for the rest of her life. She wants you to do the emotional labor for work that she has to be able to do for herself. or she needs therapy on how to handle her emotions.

Because right now she wants you to do the emotional labor for two without the reward. I assume if you consider breaking up with her, she is going to go on the “What will I do without you” speech with a large ladling of guilt that it will be *your fault when she doesn’t do whatever it was she was supposed to do herself*. I had a girlfriend that was in a similar vein. I realized that I was being treated like and pack mule and left.

Oohkbutnotokay −  She is blaming you for both her mistakes and for her over reliance on the support of others for things adults are supposed to handle solo. Petty, m**ipulative and not accountable. The tip of the iceberg. Dont be her titanic.

UnusualPotato1515 −  Maybe that’s unseemly of a boyfriend; maybe it’s cowardly. Not at all. Thats not a bf’s job to handhold a grown ass woman through life. Youre a c**ard to still stay with this a**sive, m**ipulative l**er and clearly not listened to any of the comments from your last post.

spacey_a −  No, dude. She’s being emotionally a**sive because she’s ashamed of her own failure to act like an adult and take care of her own responsibilities. She doesn’t want a boyfriend, she wants an administrative assistant and caretaker.

Break up, block her after resolving any move outs or exchanges of property needed, and you’ll eventually realize how much better life is single than with someone who treats you badly.

NewPatriot57 −  RUN! Do NOT look back. Do you want to be blamed for everything in your lives going forward?

AnonThrowAway072023 −  Holy f**k she is a 26 yo child who can’t do basic adulting Friend- this ain’t getting better if she graduates.  The spiraling now is about classes.  Next it will be about finding a job.  Then about her job. She can’t cope.  She needs to grow up.  You are enabling her.  You are making yourself miserable. Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm.  Esp since she doesn’t appreciate it.

shurker_lurker −  Not this s**t again. Do you have a kink for calling yourself names so that strangers can tell you how great you are?

swimsoutside −  The amount of hand-holding your girlfriend wants and the amount of responsibility she puts on others for her big decisions is unhealthy and unreasonable. It’s understandable to want some guidance and help with these things but she could pay a professional. There are people who specialize in coaching others through college apps, job searches, etc.

Do you think the user is failing as a partner, or is his girlfriend expecting too much support in a way that’s hard for him to provide? How do you navigate difficult emotional moments in a relationship while balancing your own commitments? Share your thoughts in the comments below!