Update: aita for telling my gf that we should break up if she wants to kick my niece out?

I am so surprised that my post blew up and so many people dropped their opinions and thoughts and still commenting on my post, I thank you all and those who were asking, I have been with my gf for 3 years. First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/kOsVi

‘ Update: aita for telling my gf that we should break up if she wants to kick my niece out?’

I also confess that I am in the wrong by not having a clear discussion with my gf and those who were saying my niece should not be sleeping with us instead I should have got her own bed or stay with until she falls asleep, I already tried that, initially she was sleeping alone but she would wake up at night and I had to go to her and console her, she started sleeping with us because she was constantly afraid, it’s trauma, she’s only 14.

To be honest? I don’t care if she is sleeping by my side, she had only 1 parent, I was just a fill in, and she lost her parents and she’s an orphan now, she can sleep by me as long as it helps her, i think it’s too soon to pressure her
I went to my gf and said we need to have an honest and open discussion and decide what we should do next, I apologised to her for not thinking about how she would feel but I didn’t have a choice, I had to bring my niece in, I also have to worry about all the legal paperworks, her school, my brother’s assets and other paperworks.

My gf said she doesn’t want my niece to live with us and she has tolerated it for long enough, I said I understand but it’s kinda unfair that you would be so cruel to a child and I expected that my partner to help me when I am going through so much legal work and care for my niece and work, I wanted your support. She said she will support me but she doesn’t want to live with a 14 year old and care for her, either I choose my niece or her.

I explained to her that I understand your frustration and as much as I want to choose you I cannot, you already know that I also have raised her and now she has lost her father only I can help her, she has no where else to go except my old parents but they can barely help themselves.

She started crying and said I am not her first priority, I said I am sorry but I have no choice, I have been in her life ever since she was born, not only am I attached to her I am also related to her by blood, now that her father is no more, shes mine and I have become a parent, it’s difficult but I have no other choice. My gf packed her bag and she left before leaving she said we should take our time and think this through and see if we can overcome this, we both decided that we will stay in contact and discuss in future.

When my niece came back from school she asked where my gf is, I said she went to her parents, my niece started crying and started blaming herself, she said she is the reason why my life is falling apart and she doesn’t have any parents, I guess she picked it up after my gf gave her silent treatment.

I comforted her and said that it’s not her fault and as long as I am with her she doesn’t have to worry about anything, she’s going to stay with me from now on. She calmed down and I took her out to her favourite restaurant but I don’t feel good at all, I am happy that I choose my niece over everything else but I also lost my love which makes me so f**king angry and sad.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

panachi19 −  Hard decisions but I think you made the best one you could for your niece. Your gf made the one she thought best for herself. Becoming a parent to a 14 yr old unexpectedly at your ages would probably break most relationships.

Lunasea4 −  I know this will be buried. But I have one suggestion. I know this is hard. I know you are trying to help your niece. Get her a separate bed in your room. So sleep in the same room, but not in the same bed. You will be judged some very n**ty things if you don’t put at least that one boundry up. It may even get her taken away from you. I believe it’s innocent, but a lot of people, including case workers will not. And i bet money that your ex gf (should be) will call and report it to try to get her way.

CommunicationGlad299 −  You need to get your niece into therapy. She has suffered so much loss and you aren’t equipped to guide her through it.

Winternin −  First of all, very sorry to hear about your brother. Your breakup with your gf is inevitable because at the end of day, as you said, your niece is your priority. Given the circumstances she should be your #1 priority. You have every right to be sad about the breakup but I don’t think you are justified to be angry at your gf. She did not sign up to be a stepmom.

And being a stepmom is a huge life event and certainly can be a deal breaker for a relationship. It’s absurd to say she’s trash because she didn’t *just* accept this. She made a responsible decision, as you did. It’s a very unfortunate situation.

BrewDogDrinker −  Nta. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but the trash just took itself out. Good luck!

PsychologicalRoll705 −  A break up is inevitable. You’re not compatible in life or circumstances. Please get your niece into therapy as soon as possible. Time to work on getting her out of your bed now. You gloss over it as a non issue but i don’t think you have thought about the potential harm you’re doing and how much it contributed to the issue of your ex. It’s creating a codependency that won’t resolve and putting you at risk for removal.

You’re now essentially a single man, a 14 year old girl in your bed is a risk. It doesn’t matter to child protection that you’re just helping her with her trauma but they will only hear a single man with a vulnerable teen in his bed, rubbing her to calm her and she will be removed, adding to her trauma. You know it’s innocent but one report and you’re doomed. Either work on transitioning to her room, with you staying on the floor or talk to her about how to make her room feel safe but get her out of your bed.

Mother_Search3350 −  Where exactly does she want you to send your niece?. Orphanage? . Foster Care?. Seriously.. What exactly is she suggesting you do with your brother’s traumatized recently orphaned child? 

Ok_Stable7501 −  You still shouldn’t be sleeping with your 14-year old niece. This is not a healthy way of coping, for either of you.

Greyeyedqueen7 −  You cosleep with a 14 year old? That’s not healthy for either of you. If she isn’t in therapy, get her there ASAP. Get yourself there, too. It sounds like you aren’t able to have a healthy adult relationship right now, balancing your SO and your niece. Your gf did the right thing to leave seeing she wasn’t important to you and didn’t want to be a stepparent. You need to establish healthy boundaries and rules for your niece. She needs that. She isn’t a baby. She’s 14 and only has 4 short years to be ready for adulthood.

Amazing-Wave4704 −  Your FOURTEEN year old niece is sleeping in your bed???? YTA. Your girlfriend was right to leave.