UPDATE: AITA for speaking on behalf of my fiancée’s child?

A Redditor (28M) shared an update on a conflict with his fiancée (29F) regarding how they approached her son’s (8M) struggles with social dynamics and a forced birthday party. After heartfelt discussions and reflecting on the situation, the couple worked to find common ground for their son’s well-being. Read the full story below.

‘ UPDATE: AITA for speaking on behalf of my fiancée’s child?’

Thanks everyone for the input. The outside perspectives were helped me (28M) tackle this situation with my fiancée (29F). Things were still rocky between us. We’ve had fights, but we’re usually able to communicate. This issue was different. We both felt strongly about our stances with her son (8M).

The son noticed the rift and took it as we were disappointed in him after the birthday party. I reassured him that nothing was his fault. My fiancée usually leaves these kinds of talks to me because she says that I’m better with the emotional stuff.

I wasn’t sorry for speaking up. He was humiliated, and it happened because of him being forced into a party he never wanted. My fiancée and I arranged to talk while he was at school. She felt we needed to hash things out too. It was my hope that we could work toward a solution. We both started off apologizing for contributing to the fight and letting it drag out.

I told her that I was hurt by how dismissive she was of me and how I needed to keep out of issues with the son. She’s never pulled that card. She wanted me to have a presence with him.

She said that she spoke out of anger and didn’t mean any of it. She felt judged, and took everything she was holding in out on me. I expressed that the son needed an advocate, and he sometimes struggles speaking up because he wants her approval. This was something we discussed before.

She admits pushing a party was wrong. She said that she loves the role I take with the son but feels that he and I connect in a way that they don’t, and that’s hard for her. I tried reassuring her that she’s his mom and no other bond could negate that. She’s one of the only people he wanted to spend his day with.

I’m here to support both of them, but that doesn’t mean agreeing with her on everything. I feel chasing popularity will only be trouble as he gets older. Something that was recommended on here was therapy. I thought it would be good for us. She wasn’t entirely closed to the idea. She’s hesitant about the notion of therapy.

The son will be changing schools. We’re also looking for clubs for him. He has a talent for drawing. I’m honestly impressed every time. I’m encouraging my fiancée to embrace his creative side. I believe my fiancée means well and wants the best for the son, but I feel she has to be more receptive of what he’s telling her. He may never be popular.

Most kids aren’t. It doesn’t mean he’s doing something wrong. Kids and people in general can be cruel. I even told her if she and I had gone to school together, her friends probably would’ve made fun of me. The son’s experience is his. He’ll come into his own.

Overall, we did better talking instead of going at each other which is better for everyone involved. I’m still going to speak up for the son. When I was his age, there were times I wished someone spoke up for me. Thanks again to everyone for the support. I really appreciate it.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Hungry-Book −  Has the mom ever had a heartfelt 1-1 convo with her child on how he truly feels? Like actually get down to his level and ask what he truly wants in life and such? You’d be surprised at how much 8 years old can express their wants/needs

I_wanna_be_anemone −  She’s emotionally neglecting her kid. Not once has she considered his feelings, his interests or wishes through the whole ordeal. All things you’ve been advocating for the whole time. What did she do to try and salvage the failed party? Or did she dive right into ranting about how it was ruined?

Fiancée shouldn’t have needed you to tell her she’s being selfish, she should have listened to the kids needs to begin with instead of pressing on with a performance she felt she needed to put on to earn some kind of social clout to demonstrate ‘what a good mom’ she is. Therapy isn’t optional, it’s essential. Mothers like her result in kids suffering from severe depression and anxiety long into adulthood, where they’ll get therapy anyway to undo the damage done.

The only thing she can ever completely control is herself, so if she wants things to change for the better then she can learn ways to actually communicate with her child instead of offloading all the emotional labour on OP.  Nothing will change for kid if his own mother is ashamed of him for not being an extrovert. 

Chance_Culture_441 −  Clubs or activities outside of school are a great place for your son to find “his people”. He needs to find one or two buds that share an interest with him and then he will flourish from there. And you are right, he probably won’t be popular in the traditional sense, but that perfectly fine too! Good job in encouraging Mom to listen to him more.

She is obviously doing something right given that he loves her and wants to spend time with her! Parenting is hard, and nobody has all the answers – but it sounds like you guys are doing a great job!

ypranch −  Wow OP. How dare you take all the fun and drama away by posting an update about mature adults openly communicating, actively listening, and being open to each other’s viewpoints. I mean, where’s the fun in compromise and supporting each other? Sarcasm BTW. Great job to you both for putting the child first and being real adults and partners.

Go-Mellistic −  Good for you for talking this all out and keeping the son’s experience front and center. You said that your fiancée recognized that pushing the party was wrong. I really hope she tells her son that. It will be great for their relationship if she can admit to him that she was wrong and make amends with him. Not only will she be modeling good conflict resolution but she will also communicate to him that his views matter to her.

Spallanzani333 −  My fiancée usually leaves these kinds of talks to me because she says that I’m better with the emotional stuff. Wow. So the fiancee thinks you are better with emotional stuff, so you should handle when the kid is sad, and she gets to plan the fun stuff her way?. That sucks. I hope therapy helps.

bathroomstallghost −  hope your kid does well at a different school

mufasamufasamufasa −  I’m glad you guys talked it through. The way things were before weren’t fair to you or the son. You do all the emotional leg work while she makes the calls about his life, despite what the kid wants? And then berates you for advocating for “her” son, when she admits she isn’t good with emotional talks? Wtf man. Anyways, I hope things continue to improve!

Relative-Command6454 −  I wish you guys the best, I am glad her son has someone like you to support him.

ArreniaQ −  Even if you don’t do therapy with a therapist, finding some good books about parenting introvert children might be a good idea. I have no idea what to suggest but I’m sure there is someone in a sub somewhere that could give you some suggestions. Sounds like her son is hugely different than she is so it may be hard for her to relate to his experience.

Good for you for working things out. Now try to plan time together doing something he would enjoy during the holidays. And encourage her to engage with him as he enters the new school. Changing schools can be REALLY hard. Have either of you asked him about how he feels about this? New teachers, new classmates, etc, that can be really rough. (did it hated it)

The update highlights how communication and compromise can strengthen relationships in blended families. Do you think therapy or creative outlets like clubs are the right steps to support the child, or would you suggest other approaches? Share your thoughts below!