UPDATE: AITA for shouting at my ex in front of my daughters?
A father who previously shouted at his ex-wife in front of their daughters for manipulating them with lies shared an update on the fallout. After his 12-year-old daughter secretly recorded her mother making false accusations and arguing over child support, the dad took legal action to protect his children.
The recordings are now being used to pursue supervised visitation for the ex-wife and renegotiate child support. The heartbreaking part? His eldest daughter is stepping into a protector role for her younger siblings, something no child should have to do. Read the full update below.
‘ UPDATE: AITA for shouting at my ex in front of my daughters?’
Last weekend, the girls were at their mom’s. After she dropped them off Sunday night, my 12yo asked to talk to me in private. We went into her room, and she showed me two recordings she’d taken on her phone;
one of my ex trying to convince them I was abusing them, and one of her and her husband arguing about how much she was paying in child support, and I’ll be honest here – my cousin is a family court lawyer and basically raked her over the coals. It wasn’t pretty, but I was still extremely hurt over the affair. I even got alimony.
Anyway, my 12yo told me she didn’t want to go to her mom’s anymore, but she said she felt she had to because she’s the oldest sibling and it’s her job to protect the younger ones. I’ve always instilled this value in her (I’m an oldest child myself) but seeing this just made me even more upset, because now it’s just another battle she’s fighting that she shouldn’t be.
She’s also just started to figure out that her mom cheated, and over the past couple weeks she started firing tons of questions at me about the timeline of their relationship I couldn’t really answer, and after showing me the recordings, she literally demanded I answer her, yes or no, did her mom cheat on me.
It wasn’t easy, but I told her the truth, with the promise she wouldn’t tell her sisters (as much it sucks, that’s my job, not hers). The way she cried on my shoulder was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever experienced, but she was catching on and I figured if she’s going to find out regardless, it should be in a setting where she’s comfortable.
After she was done crying, I told her to email me the recordings she took, and called my cousin. We’ve just started the paperwork, but my cousin is certain we can get my ex nailed for parental alienation, and since she got a promotion a few months ago, I should be able to renegotiate the child support payments as well.
Most importantly, the recordings should be enough to give me grounds for supervised visits only, which is what I want. I still want the girls to have a relationship with their mom (especially since the younger two still want to see her), I’m just going to have to make sure I’m present at all times when they’re with her. Coparenting is oodles of fun, kids!
Anyway, I also want to give a huge thank you to all the supportive comments and messages. I only saw most of the DMs recently because I use the Reddit is Fun app on my phone and for some reason it doesn’t show chatroom messages. I’m not the best with technology, seeing as my most valuable job skill is herding 5yos, but I wouldn’t trade it for any other career. Thanks for all your support, Reddit!
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
henchwench89 − I said it in your original post and I’ll say it again. You sound like an amazing dad and your girls are lucky to have you. You are doing an amazing job and even knowing she’s trying to turn your girls against you you are still trying to facilitate a relationship between them and her for their sakes
FatherDuncanSinners − Reading this and the original post you made is making me all emotional and s**t. You seem like truly good people, and not only are your daughters lucky to have you, but you’re giving other little kids a leg up as they start their paths as well. You’re a rare breed, and you’re good for this world. Keep on keeping on you magnificent b**tard. I wish you nothing but the best.
Tessa_Kamoda − thank you for the update.. may your wish come true. please, give this hug to your daughter, will you?
StarlitSylveon − I gave you the perspective I had as a child in a similar situation in your original post and I will again. I’m also an eldest child and took on that protector role until the anxiety finally broke me down. I used to have panic attacks on the Friday my father would come to pick us up every weekend until I refused to go.
Being the protector and shield/punching bag is a heavy, heavy burden to bear. If your eldest isn’t already in therapy I think she should be. Check in with her often. I doubt she’d give up the mantle of protecting her younger siblings but she’s gonna need support from you to make sure she isn’t hurting herself or getting worn down or blaming herself in the process. I hope supervised visits will be the way going forward for you. Good luck.
iouaname673 − It sounds like you negotiated a field of emotional land mines with as much dexterity and grace as possible. Good work, and I wish you and your family the best.
boat_against_current − Thanks for the update! Your girls are so lucky to have you as their dad.
ebwoods1 − OMFG.. You are a hell of a father. Your 12 year old is one hell of a kid and an incredible role model for her siblings. I’m sorry your daughter had to hear her mother say those things and she had to record it and tell you. That took courage. I’m sure it was difficult. Best of luck to you winning supervised visits.
woolfchick75 − You’re amazing. Is your oldest in therapy? It might be helpful, because this is a hard enough time for a girl even without a mom like hers. 12 years old is when we become aware of the bigger world and start the hard, slow process of breaking away from our parents and beginning to see them as (at first) disappointingly human beings.
A friend’s daughter is the same age as yours and going through the same thing, except with her dad, who cheated–and the daughter figured it out, too. She refuses to see her dad. You might think about doing child therapy because this can have sway about what’s in the best interest of the child, as it does with my friend.
ColorfulToes − This is a great update, but I am soooooo disappointed in our educational system. My first s** ed covered menstruation, among other things, in fourth grade. I’m glad she had a wonderful father to help her out, regardless, and that you are limiting the access of their toxic mother.
windyorbits − Just here to say, thank you for telling your daughter the truth about her mother cheating. My parents were never married and broke up when I was 1 1/2 years old, and then my father married my now step mom when I was 2. My ENTIRE childhood my parents screamed and fight, and I never understood why.
I would constantly ask but I was only told “we never saw eye to eye”. It really screwed me up and the relationships I had with my dad and step mom. It wasn’t until I was 18 and living with my grandparents,
when my grandma finally told me that my mom caught my dad cheating with my now step mom and that my step mom was the one who convinced my dad (twice!) that my mom was a s**tty parent and to get full custody. She was basically trying to replace my mom with herself, until she had my little sister later in life.
ALL those years I thought the hated each other because of me, the screamed at each other because of me, they hated each other because of me (yeah really screwed me up mentally). But when my grandma told me the truth; this huge burden was lifted. So thank you for being truthful and ultimately being there for your daughters. 10/10 dad skills 🙂
Parental alienation can cause emotional harm that lasts a lifetime. This father took the tough but necessary steps to protect his daughters. Do you think he’s handling the situation the best way possible? Should he share more details with the younger siblings? Share your thoughts below!