UPDATE: AITA for ‘ruining the surprise’ my boyfriend organized for my birthday?

First of all, sorry for not replying to any comments at all. I got o**rwhelmed by the amount of attention the post was getting, and I didn’t really know how to deal with over a hundred people telling me to break up with my boyfriend.

‘ UPDATE: AITA for ‘ruining the surprise’ my boyfriend organized for my birthday?’

We did break up. I wish I could say I confronted him with all the comments and their carefully constructed arguments. Don’t get me wrong, they definitely did help me, but I am terrified of conflict, so it’s probably not the dramatic update a lot of people were hoping for.

I should say, we did technically ‘make up’ the day after my birthday surprise/a**ush. I posted about it because I was feeling discontent with how we resolved things. Now I see it’s because things weren’t resolved at all, he just made me apologize about it without giving me an opportunity to be angry.

I thought I could tell him to come to my apartment next week, so I had more time to figure out a natural way to bring it up, and then when we had a conversation about it we could move on from it.

I ended up bringing it up after we had lunch together yesterday, while I was driving him back to his place. I hadn’t even meant to do it, but I didn’t know how to behave with the underlying anger that I now had. So, in the end I just asked him why he had done it, trying my best not to sound angry as I generally don’t like being angry.

He said he “wanted to get to know the people that raised me.” His answer was bulllshit for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one is that I have literally told him that my older sister is the person that raised me. When he met her and her husband, we all joked that it was like meeting-the-parents.

I told him that he had every right to ‘want’ to meet whoever he wanted, but he had no right to go behind my back and force me to be around people I have cut out of my life.

The next thing he said is truly what made me break up with him. He said he “doesn’t understand how someone can stop talking to their family.” I cannot stress enough how many times I have explained to him why I have stopped talking to my parents. He has asked more than once.

After he said that I think I had a realization. He doesn’t understand me, he has made no efforts to do so. So I told him that after I dropped him off at his place I didn’t want to see him anymore because I don’t want to put in effort with someone that doesn’t care about what I want. He didn’t take that well, but his emotions are not my problem anymore.

Right now, I mostly feel really sad. I know I’m probably better off like in the long run, but break ups s**k, and I did love him. I think I’ll be okay, I really appreciate everyone’s support.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Remote-Physics6980 −  Sometimes people are in our lives to teach us what not to accept and what to look for as not acceptable. This man taught you a very important boundary and he also taught you to make sure people are listening to you. You can do that by looking at their actions. Not their words. I know this hurt, but take the lesson and you’ll never have to repeat it.

KaliTheBlaze −  I’m sorry you went through that, but you should be proud of yourself. Your partner treated you badly, and instead of blaming yourself or coming up with ways you were also at fault, you recognized that he chose his understanding of “family” over your well-being and mental health. You didn’t accept bring steamrolled by him and stood up for your own needs and desires.

It sucks to experience having to do that. The people who love us should listen to us and respect us, and I’m sorry that you’re having to experience yet another person failing you in that regard (on top of your parents doing it). The fact that you won’t stand for that even though you were raised with your well-being not mattering suggests that you’ve got a lot of strength and a good sense of how you deserve to be treated, which will stand you in good stead all your life.

It’s normal to be sad when someone you love treats you badly. It hurts when they do it severely enough that you know the relationship can’t continue. Don’t feel like you have to minimize that – let yourself grieve, and be kind to yourself.

RivSilver −  I’m so sorry you went through that, and for the grief you’re processing now, but I’m also proud of you for standing up for yourself and your value as a person. It sucks and it’s hard, but also it’s done and you can move forward from him. Maybe think of something you haven’t done in a while or you loved and he doesn’t that you can go do and relax into being yourself in a space that’s just for you.

swillshop −  Oh, OP. I know you are hurting, but I really do think you made the best choice for you. Besides the fact the your ex didn’t respect your words and boundaries regarding your relatives, I didn’t like that he had ZERO interest in.

(1) acknowledging how hurtful and shocking his actions were.
(2) respecting your rights and autonomy about who you have in your life, and.
(3) expressing any remorse for the impact on you.

He didn’t even give a second to contemplate the possibility that he made a mistake or that his perspective and priorities were wrong. His only focus was on having YOU apologize to HIM!!!! Given how hard conflict is for you, I am so proud that you didn’t let him steamroll you AND you took the initiative to tell him – “This isn’t working for me. We are done.” Sending you some extra hugs! And thank you for taking the time to update us.

Salamander475 −  I just want to let you know that you’ve made a tough but really important decision for yourself. You’ll come out of this even stronger and that someone who truly deserves you will come into your life—someone who will listen, understand, and appreciate you more.

StuffedSquash −  So I told him that after I dropped him off at his place I didn’t want to see him anymore because I don’t want to put in effort with someone that doesn’t care about what I want. He didn’t take that well, but his emotions are not my problem anymore.

Dramtic updates are nice in a sitcom, but this is your real life. This is the best kind of update for a situation like yours. It’s sad this is the situation he put you in but you handled it like a champ. Thank you for sharing the update!

StudioRude1036 −  I’m sorry you are sad. You did the right thing, and you will eventually be less sad.

imamage_fightme −  It’s absolutely horrible that you went through that, but you should be proud you had that realisation and were able to stand your ground finally. A partner who loves and cares about you would understand where you are coming from and respect your boundaries with your parents. You deserve so much better.

JustAsICanBeSoCruel −  Time will heal all wounds, but it’s time to co.pletely block him. Don’t meet up with him anymore, don’t respond to texts (even if they are just memes). It’s time for a clean break with him completely and unapologetically cut out of your life. Take it day by day and soon, it won’t hurt at all not having him around.

ronaha −  Hi! As a fellow conflict avoidant person, just wanted to say well done for how you handled this. You should be so proud of yourself – this man crossed your boundaries and he would have probably continued to do it with other things had you let it slide.

You feel sad now and it hurts now – mourn the relationship, cry, do whatever you need to do but one day it won’t hurt so much. From one internet stranger to another, sending you lots of virtual love and warmth!