[Update] AITA for not telling my husband to apologise when he was just defending me?

I didn’t expect my [original post] to get so many comments. First, I want to thank everyone who responded. Having a group of strangers get upset on my behalf was incredibly sweet and meant so much to me. Thank you all for your support.

‘ [Update] AITA for not telling my husband to apologise when he was just defending me?’

My husband also wanted me to pass along his thanks as well for standing up for me. I showed him this post, and he feels vindicated (his words, not mine). He truly is such a wonderful man, and I’m very lucky to have him.
I responded to some comments, but I wanted to make a larger post to address the things I saw mentioned the most.

1. I called my mom today and told her that my husband will definitely not be apologizing to Mary. He did apologize to the rest of the family for the scene, though. I feel bad for my mom, but making the original post gave me the courage I needed to tell her this. I don’t like seeing her stressed, but I need to protect my husband just like he always protects me.

My husband read a couple of comments suggesting he could apologize for the language he used. He offered to do that, but I told him it wasn’t necessary since Mary would never return the apology for what she said. My mom said she understood and promised not to bring it up again. I also told her, for her own sake, to ignore Mary if she starts ranting about it again.

2. I saw a lot of comments about cutting off my mom or going low-contact with her, also a lot that were bashing her. I want to say upfront that I’m not going to do that, nor do I appreciate those rude comments. I agree that my mom has enabled some of Mary’s behavior, but she’s not a bad mom. She has always tried to control Mary, but Mary doesn’t listen to anyone.

My mom raised seven kids on her own (our dad died when I was 2, and Mary was 14). It’s impossible to pay attention to everything with so many kids, and I don’t blame my mom for not being able to stop the abuse when it started. I didn’t even know it was abuse when I was a kid. I thought that’s just how older sisters are supposed to be.

My mom worked a lot to support us when we were kids and unfortunately for all of us this meant that Mary was forced to take on a parental role. And since I was the youngest it made her both become very attached and resentful towards me (words from my therapist). My mom has made mistakes, but so has every parent and I’m not going to hold a grudge against the only parent I know.

However, I think having a serious conversation with her would be a good idea. I might even bring her to a therapy session so we can talk about everything Mary put me through. I haven’t talked to her about it much, and what my mom knows is just the tip of the iceberg. She really does try her best to parent us, she always has, but Mary is too much for everyone.

3. Many people asked why Mary still lives at home. I mentioned this in a comment, but Mary has a chronic pain disease that forces her to take a lot of time off work. I also think it’s another reason why she is so mean. I won’t go into details but she does have a job, but she can’t afford to live on her own.

None of my siblings are willing to take her in, and most of them are low contact with her since she treats us all the same. My mom isn’t the kind of person to turn her back on her kids, so she lets Mary stay. I also think she does this as a way of making it up to Mary for relying on her so much for child care.

4. Some comments asked if Mary was abusing my mom. I want to clarify that this isn’t the case. For everything Mary has done, she’s never put her hands on anyone. While she does fight like this with my mom sometimes, she treats her much better than the rest of us. The worst thing she does is use my mom as her personal therapist.

5. Mary is absolutely NOT coming to Christmas. I was never planning to invite her, and my husband would never allow her within 20 feet of our home. She will throw a fit, but we don’t care. I love the holidays, and for once, I’d like to spend them with people who actually care about me.

I also think it’s a good idea to take your advice to avoid family gatherings if Mary is present. That will be hard because I don’t want to miss time with the rest of my family, but I’ll just make plans with them individually.

Once again, thank you to everyone who commented. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I’m planning to share some of your comments with my therapist to work through them. Some of them hit me hard, and I need time to unpack everything. This will be my last update, and I’ll be deleting this account sometime after posting this. Take care, and I wish you all the best. From both me and my husband, we hope you have a wonderful holiday!

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Glinda-The-Witch −  My only question is, what will happen to Mary when your mother passes?

DriftlessHang −  So Mary was parentified and has a debilitating condition. That’s a tough hand to be dealt. I can see why there is bitterness, however you are still NTA. She needs some therapy to work through her resentment, but she sounds like the kind of person who thinks they are “fine” and it’s everyone else’s problem.

kymrIII −  My oldest sister was parentified. Now, over 60, her only friend is our mother. It’s sad because she really is a good person, but it has affected her whole life. It’s unreal what damage it can do. To add – she used to hit us (learned from parental violence).

She was watching us while her crush was watching his brother. One of us said no to something and she started hitting them. Her crush was horrified. Said he would never hit his brother. That was the day she realized it wasn’t normal. Her words.

Astyryx −  Your mom had seven kids. She was fertile through the heyday of birth control and Roe. She — and your father— absolutely was responsible for having so many kids that she parentified Mary. You use the passive “Mary was forced to take on a parental role” but fail to follow through that she was forced by your mother. 

If you were all the victim of restrictive religion, well, the adults near responsibility for that, too. Your family is never going to heal, and you’re going to pass down some really distorted beliefs if you all never face the truth of what made Mary the way she is. Not as an excuse, but as a cautionary tale, with accountability. Parentification is abuse. Mary is still seriously wounded by that abuse.

Embarrassed-Panic-37 −  My mom raised seven kids on her own (our dad died when I was 2, and Mary was 14). My mom worked a lot to support us when we were kids and unfortunately for all of us this meant that Mary was forced to take on a parental role.

Mom did not raise you all on her own. Mary was effectively the other parent. No wonder she was confused about what role she should be. In reality she’s your sister but she was forced into a parent’s role. So she had to suffer the responsibilities and burdens of a parent while still a kid herself, without actually having any of the authority of a parent.

It’s easy to sit and judge Mary but this has absolutely taken a huge psychological toll on her. She probably was parentified even before your father died. I’m not saying Mary’s behaviour now is excusable but you’re not even blaming your parents a little bit and that’s crazy to me.

Sollibei −  Wishing you a drama-free, Mary-less holiday season.

spoonman_82 −  NTAH at all as Mary seems to have a lot of baggage. Not excusing her but she was probably parentified. How was her own childhood? She may have had to sacrifice her own youth to help raise the younger siblings. thats probably bred a lot of resentment. not your problem tho, she needs therapy quickly before she loses everyone for good.

HuffN_puffN −  Well, with all those comments about your mom and you basically dismissed it all. Did you not wonder why so many people said the same thing, or close enough to same?

It’s quite ironic that you don’t blame her, but you point out the issue with so many kids and that she had to get jobs to be able to cover the costs. That are on your mom and dad. More so to whoever of them that wanted that many kids. 5 kids means FOR SURE that the oldest one gets involved in being a parent. For sure.

ghjkl098 −  I understand that it’s hard to hear criticisms of the way your mum has handled things. Yes, she should have done far better, and yes she should be doing far better now. But we can still love a family member even if they haven’t done the right thing. Concentrate on you and your husband. He didn’t owe your mum an apology but sometimes we do it to keep the peace even when it’s not deserved.

Dresden_Mouse −  Mary’s future its a gloom one.