Update: AITA for not supporting my wife’s decision to punish our son & letting him go to a party that will be tonight?
Given the events of the past couple of weeks, I thought I would give an update.
First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/sdoIj
‘ Update: AITA for not supporting my wife’s decision to punish our son & letting him go to a party that will be tonight?’
My wife did not come to the Halloween party. I took my son and his friend and they had a great time. Unfortunately, only came in 4th in the couples costume voting. After the party, tensions with my wife died down considerable. She still felt what I did was wrong but she took a “what is done is done attitude.”
The b**lying at school has gotten more intense. Apparently, my wife’s best friend’s daughter confronted the girl who my son did take to the Halloween party. That escalated the b**lying from other girls and two factions have formed among the girls in two grades over this and it has gotten out of hand.
Apparently some accusations have been thrown around about “cheating” at my son by various girls. My son has been unbothered because all his truly good friends know the truth. Last Friday we got a call from the school wanting to meet with us about the situation since my son was the “source” (their words, not mine) of the issues.
We met with some of the administration, and one of the teachers, on Tuesday. They wanted my son to “help” the situation by defending my wife’s best friend’s daughter to their classmates. He refused and talked extensively about her harassing behavior over the past two years. They pushed against his “description” of her conduct. But, we ended the meeting with my son promising to provide a list of her harassment over the past two years.
Tuesday evening, my son prepared the list and showed his mother and I. When my wife saw the list, it was like scales fell from her eyes. She got pretty emotional, apologized to our son, apologized to me, and we had a good group hug. She is now 100% on our side. She asked our son if she could share the list with her best friend. My son agreed. My wife’s best friend’s response was to double down. My wife is going low contact for the time being.
On Wednesday, we took the list to the school. It is a private school and has a strict code of conduct for students in and out of school. So, there is a possibility best friend’s daughter may have some type of punishment for her behavior. I took my son out of school for the day and we hung out all day. Just dropped him back off at school today. So, this is the update.
Edit: I wanted to add something I said in the comments. My mom for years was a counselor. One thing she taught me is that repentance and forgiveness are not events, but processes. Also that in order for a relationship to be restored, there must first be repentance from the wrongdoer. In light of that, a practice she had our family do was to write letters when one of us caused harm to another. The letter includes, in detail:
(1) the wrong the person has committed.
(2) the resulting harm that was done.
(3) the immediate actions that will be taken to mitigate the harm, and.
(4) the long-term actions being taken to mitigate the harm/ensure the action is not repeated.
My wife is currently working on her letter. The person who receives the letter can respond and request that additional actions be taken to address the harm done. My wife knows she is only at the beginning of the process and that it is going to take time.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
Haikus_For_Freedom − Good on you for standing up for your son. He, and you, are very much in the right here. I have no idea what twisted tale the school has been told that they would try to put the impetus on your son, but I’m glad to hear you’re supporting your son with that situation too, and that your partner is finally on board as well. Consent is for everyone, and harassment is not limited to gender.
DrakeJ98 − I’m really glad your wife was able to come to her senses and understand your son’s pov better. Sucks her best friend is refusing to understand and put a stop to her kid. She shouldn’t get bullied by others like this but unfortunately she escalated the situation worse and worse. Really hoping your son doesn’t get caught up in more drama and now it’s just up to those two to accept responsibility and calm down. How’s your wife taking on going low contact with her bff?. Updateme.
Oranges007 − The ridiculousness here is real. Someone needs to stop being nice to that girl and just tell her stalking ass to stay the hell away from your son. PERIOD.
Material_Cellist4133 − TBH it is disgusting that your son had to put up with s**ual harassment for 2 years and had to defend himself for your wife (his mother) to finally want to protect him. Still think she is poor excuse of a mother and that your son needs protection from her.. But not my rodeo…
Chaoticgood790 − good for you standing up for your son. he should not be harassed bc he doesnt want to date someone.
Really-ChillDude − Your wife owes your son a big apology. Not just: oh I am sorry I didn’t know. She needs to have a long talk with her best friend, about her daughter’s behavior… which your wife & her best friend pushed to happen.
WishmeluckOG − I’m happy to read that for once this isn’t a double standard situation were the son gets into trouble. But if it was the way around the son would be punished for harassment. (ive been harassed multiple times by women and ive always got the blame for it because i’m the man in the situation). I’m also happy to see that your wife lost her blinders too. Fake names would have made this easier to read btw. I’m not a native English speaker. :p
BlueGreen_1956 − Still NTA. I wonder what your wife’s response would have been if your son was a daughter and this exact scenario had played out.. Oh wait, I do not have to guess. Your son may forgive her, but he is never going to forget that she did not have his back. And the school immediately believing the girl over the boy? Not a surprise at all.
Note: I am a retired teacher and if I had a son in today’s world, there is no way I would send him to a public school or any coed school. Boys are vilified for no other reason than they are boys.
LyraWhisperer − It’s tough when school drama gets out of hand. Your son showed maturity handling the situation, and it’s great your wife finally saw things clearly. Hopefully, things calm down now. It’s crucial for parents to stay united and support their kids in these situations.
curlyq9702 − Honestly, I’m disappointed in your wife for needing to have everything written down & shown to her for her to realize what it was that she was co-signing on putting your son through.
Your son writing it down & showing her for her to realize is my equivalent of “bad puppy” where something wrong has been done & the only way they know it is to have it shoved in their face. Your wife has a lot of making up to do & it needs to start with genuinely holding herself, her bff, & bff’s daughter accountable. Demanding an apology isn’t enough & you know it. She literally co-signed on him being harassed for years because “they’d be so cute together” and “we’ll finally be real family if they get married.”
I’m glad she finally woke up but as a mother of 2 sons with a bff that has a daughter, I would NEVER put either of my children through what she did to yours.