UPDATE: AITA for leaving in the middle of dinner because of pumkin pie?

The author updated her story, revealing her Thanksgiving conflict with her mother was part of deeper, unresolved family tensions. She has decided to distance herself from her mother and brother for future holidays, seeking healthier boundaries.

The relationship is complex—her mother has good qualities but struggles with emotional expression. The author plans to explore her childhood in therapy, aiming for clarity and healing. read the original story below…

For those who want to read the previous part :https://aita.pics/vqnPc

‘ UPDATE: AITA for leaving in the middle of dinner because of pumkin pie? ‘

Hello,  Since I always wonder what happened to the people who post on here, I thought I’d give a brief update.  When I wrote that post, I was mentally in a pretty dark place. I think I needed someone, even if it was a stranger on the internet, to validate my feelings and listen.

And commenters on here did listen and took the time to write advice that made me think, so thank you. Most of you were right, my post was not really about pumpkin pie or cheesecake. The underlying tension between me and my mother has always expressed itself through fights over trivialities and long silences.

Many of you have asked me why I, as a thirty year old woman, still go to these events. I’ve asked myself the same question and realise that there is no reason for me to be there. My brother and I do not get along (we never have) and my mother has brought this onto herself.

I will be spending Christmas elsewhere. However, I feel like my post might have portrayed my mother in an unfair light. I know it does not matter, since you are here to judge a conflict and not a person, but some of the comments seem to assume my mum to be a n**ty and mean b**ly. She is not.

She can be very kind and very generous and has done a lot of good for people through her work. She is also terrible at expressing emotion, frustrated by retirement and herself had a very difficult childhood. Our relationship has not always been this bad, and I too have been cruel to her in the past.

In regards to the actual quarrel: I have sent only a short response to my brother since thanksgiving, ignoring mum’s texts. She called yesterday and seems to be hellbend on buying me new shoes.

She rarely apologises. I am not strong enough to keep hoping she changes.  I will address the topic of my childhood with my therapist. . Happy Holidays everyone.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Whatever-and-breathe −  What stand out to me is the fact that you said she is a good person because of her work which helps a lot of people. That is work, it sounds to me that this is a persona she is/was putting out there for the community, she probably thrive on everyone thinking of her as amazing, brilliant,

great… It doesn’t make her a good person. The pumpkin pie incident illustrate that perfectly. Think mean girls who put charity events on if you will. She will step on anyone she needs to to be the top dog while keeping a big smile on her face. Then gaslight or pretend nothing happened.

Maybe it is due to her childhood, maybe it is her personality, but in any case your mother is toxic, and she will continue to act this way as soon as the next occasion comes. Keep this in mind. Exposure to toxicity is dangerous for your health, and the longer you get exposed the more harm it is causing you.

Cassinys −  We don’t know your mother as well as you do, but I don’t think you misrepresented your mother. You told us about a situation in which your mother was n**ty and mean. It doesn’t matter how nice she is to others, or how good her she’s done through work.

Her difficult childhood is for her to deal with, and none of it (her niceness to others or her past hurts) justifies using you as a s**pegoat. She doesn’t get to make you feel horrible so that she feels better. She doesn’t get to create toxic dynamics where her nastiness towards you is not only tolerated,

but so deeply accepted that you are turned into the villain by her and the rest of the family for not agreeing to be treated badly. You shouldn’t let her clam her bad conscience by buying you shoes. And you should not feel guilty for recognising her bad behaviours and for calling them out.

You deserve an appology, but if you don’t think that’s going to come from her, then at the very least you deserve to aknowledge to yourself that she treated you poorly and that there is no excuse for it! And you can decide not to allow her to treat you poorly in the future without feeling guilty.

You deserve kindness from yourslef at the very least, and she and the rest of your family don’t get to make you guilty about it.  You can love your mum and your family, and appreciate their good qualities and aknowledge their struggles,

and still not take their bs. One doesn’t negate the other. I wish you the best, and I hope you have or find a chosen family that gives you the love and kindness you need. 

Jedi-girl77 −  We assumed her to be a b**ly because it was clear from your previous post that she IS one, at least to you. It doesn’t matter how nice she is to colleagues or strangers if she treats her own child like s**t.

Not bringing out your cheesecake and explicitly refusing to let anyone try it was pure mean girl and she had a lot of nerve complaining that YOU were the one being immature. It sounds like you still aren’t quite ready to face how toxic she is to you.

saturnspritr −  When I went away to college every time I talked to my parents and mostly my mom over the phone, I would just get my ass chewed. Like in tears after every call because it didn’t matter what I told them, whatever it was, it clearly wasn’t right. I’m studying, why didn’t I do it earlier?

I’m going to go see some friends, why aren’t you studying? I’m gonna spend the night in, why aren’t you out making friends? I went to answer the phone and my boyfriend at the time just pushed my hand softly away from the phone. Barely a nudge.

But I put it in my lap and just kept it there until it stopped ringing. I had all the control. I always did. I don’t have to pick up the phone to get yelled at. It took a couple years before they stopped doing that because suddenly they lost the opportunity to say anything to me at all. They got better.

But I also never ever moved close to them again. Just, if it’s not going to be loving conversation, don’t pick up the phone. If it’s not going to be a good time, don’t go. It’s as easy as staying put somewhere else.

If the b**ly says they’re going to fight you in the parking lot, don’t go to the parking lot. I know it’s hard, but do what’s best for you. They’re all adults, they can take care of themselves.. Wishing you the best!

CF_FI_Fly −  Just because she is kind to other people does not mean she isn’t a**sive to you. My mother is exactly the same. She had a bad childhood, she claims that when I am anything other than 100% supportive or positive or not ass-kissing perfect, that I am being difficult or implies I am unlovable.

You aren’t any of those things and your depression does not make you a bad person. You might want to talk to your therapist about how she has her mask on with other people and only lets it slip around you. Your brother sounds like the golden child, while you are the s**pegoat and your dad is enabling her.

Of course you aren’t close to them and these can often be great sources for depression. I am old enough to be your mom but not quite her age and if you brought a maple cheesecake, I would have given you the biggest hug and a thanks. And then served it and told you how amazing it was. Because it was. And because you are.. Big hugs to you.

LunaticBZ −  The biggest family feud in my immediate family was over a burger from burger king. In reality the burger was never important, it was years of problems that never got resolved the burger just happened to be on the stage when the drama played out.

invah −  She is not. She can be very kind and very generous and has done a lot of good for people through her work. She is also terrible at expressing emotion, frustrated by retirement and herself had a very difficult childhood.

Our relationship has not always been this bad, and I too have been cruel to her in the past. Your mom sounds like one of those people who is nicer to strangers than people she is supposed to love…except for the part where she is nice to your brother and not you.

FYI, people who make passive aggressive comments aren’t nice. Just because the aggression is ‘passive’ doesn’t mean it isn’t there, and just because they smile at you while they talk to you doesn’t mean they actually like you. and I too have been cruel to her in the past. Likely because there is only so much injustice you can swallow without bursting from the seams.

StellaAllenn −  NTA. It’s good you’re prioritizing your mental health and setting boundaries. Hope therapy helps you find peace.

TryingToStayOutOfIt −  Oh honey. It doesn’t matter if your mom is nice to other people. In fact that makes it all the worse how cruel she is to her own child. This isn’t a decent person; this is a person who knows how to act but doesn’t want to behave around you.

Family dynamics are rarely simple, and healing takes time. What do you think of the author’s decision to set boundaries? Share your thoughts below!