UPDATE – AITA for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?

Hey guys. Thank you for your input. First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/ykeeO

‘ UPDATE – AITA for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?’

Many of you stated you wouldn’t be able to make any judgment without knowing why I have no contact with Mary. I think that’s completely fair. I explained it better in the comments (and I recommend reading them), but Mary was awful to me when I was young. I loathe talking about it (though therapy has been helping with that), but it stemmed from the fact that I wouldn’t allow her to be a “second mother” to me. I went into low contact with her in my early 20s, and she’d still treat me like crap whenever I saw her.

When my son was born, Mary begged me to give her a second chance. She apologized for “upsetting me” and promised she had changed. I warned her that if she ever overstepped or even remotely hinted at going back to her old ways, she’d never see me or my family again. To be honest, I’m surprised she lasted three years.

I didn’t clarify that in my original post because not only is this something I have trouble talking about, but I also didn’t think it was relevant. I was asking about the donations, not whether I was justified in cutting ties with Mary. But I do agree that it’s best to have the complete picture before making judgment calls, so I apologize for withholding that.

Another thing I didn’t mention is that Mary never had children of her own, and my only sister is childfree. My kids are the only grandchildren in the family, which I think is why Mary wants to see them so badly. Anyway, I went through your comments and organized a list of things I wanted to say to my father. I thought about making one for Mary as well, but I doubt she’d actually listen to it.

I spoke to my father on Saturday. He said he talked with his wife. Apparently, Mary bought the gifts because it “broke her heart” to be unable to watch my kids grow up, and she hoped the toys would “at least let them know how much she loved them.”

My father also said that Mary told him about the gifts (he’s insistent he had no idea) because it had been a while and me and the kids hadn’t thanked her yet. My husband and I have our children say “thank you” through voice messages whenever they get a gift from someone who isn’t nearby. We’ve done that for my father before, so I think that’s what Mary was expecting.

I explained that it didn’t matter how thoughtful he thought Mary’s gesture was. When I cut ties with her, I cut her off completely. That means no gifts, no phone calls and no contact with my children, directly or not. She can claim to love them all she wants, but she will never have any involvement in their lives.

We had another argument, but I put my foot down. I told my father that if he ever attempts to assist her in any way or brings up “Grandma Mary” to my children, he will never see me again. I’ll allow him to be a part of his grandkids’ lives, but he needs to accept that his wife won’t be. Ultimately, my father agreed, but I intend to watch him closely from now on. I don’t want to cut contact with him, but this will be his final chance. If he screws this up, he’s done.

While I’m not 100% confident this will last, I’m still happy with this outcome. I’ve been going through a fairly stressful time at work, and it feels great to have this weight off my shoulders now. More importantly, I feel like I’m well equipped to deal with whatever comes next. I don’t intend to write any further updates.. Once again, thank you.

The next update: https://aita.pics/gjcRu

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

bubblegumwhirl −  NTA. It’s clear that you’ve set healthy boundaries, and your dad needs to respect those. It’s not about the gifts it’s about ensuring Mary has no part in your family’s life if you’ve cut ties with her.

madpiratebippy −  NTA. If a woman abused you as a child you know she can abuse your kids, good job sticking to your guns and not letting her get her claws in your kids. Your Dad is in a tough spot between you and his wife, I’m going to bet mostly because of her, and I hope he realizes just how serious you are about this and stays involved with your kids. Otherwise? The trash took itself out. He didn’t protect you against your Stepmom as a child and this is the consequence of him picking a woman over his own kids.

Samarkand457 −  Oh, she’s one of those. Yeah, no wonder she has been sealed off in the Shadow Realm.

NationalSize7293 −  NTA why are you still in contact with your dad? While she was the abuser, he stood by someone that abused his own children. Your dad failed to protect you and your sister. Would your dad stand by and watch another relative verbally abuse your children? Tbh, how long can your dad maintain your boundary while still being married to your abuser? It’s almost an impossible situation your dad is in, which he basically created by staying married to your abuser.

Your kids may not know her now, but it will be interesting to see if they want a relationship with her when they are teenagers or adults (assuming she is still around). Maybe your dad will finally leave her.

Jayn_Newell −  OP, I’ve done the same thing you did. Allowing the gifts means allowing her space in your life, and I’m guessing you don’t want to deal with that (not to mention what effect she might have on your kids as they grow up). And getting rid of them really emphasizes that you really want *nothing* to do with her. I hope you and your family have peace (though I do expect you may have to eventually cut contact with your father. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this)

GullibleNerd88 −  I’m sure you’re already doing this, but make sure to never leave your children alone with your dad. I feel like he would try to help Mary again.

[Reddit User] −  Nta. Your children. Your rules. Good on you.

bubblegumglee −  NTA. You’ve set clear boundaries for your own well-being and your children’s, and it’s important that your father respects that. It’s clear you’ve been through a lot with Mary, and you’re making decisions based on your past experiences, not just to be difficult. You’re protecting yourself and your family, and that’s your right.

Amazing-Wave4704 −  I worship you, shiny spine goddess!! NTA.

SnoopyisCute −  Nobody has the right to tell you how much you should endure from another person regardless of bio or marital relationships.