UPDATE: AITA for bringing up just how much I actually do for our household to my wife?

A Reddit user expresses frustration over their wife’s dismissive attitude towards the household responsibilities they manage. After an incident where she undermined his feelings, the user attempts to discuss their unequal division of chores, only to be met with resistance.

Feeling unheard and undervalued, especially considering his significant contribution to family management, he is left questioning the state of their marriage. Read the original story below to explore the complexities of communication and division of labor in relationships.

‘ UPDATE: AITA for bringing up just how much I actually do for our household to my wife?’

I’m pretty shocked this post went as viral as it did, and I tried my best to speak to my wife yesterday. I just can’t believe that this is the woman I married. I tried speaking with her, telling her that what she did wasn’t that big of a deal but was still not a nice thing to do.

She didn’t like me bringing it up again and just told me to s**k it up and stop ‘bitching’ about one mistake. She apologized, but in a tone that just sounded like she was just tired of dealing with this.

I noticed her getting very heated and on the verge of starting an argument so I backed off and switched to a different topic. I asked if we could adjust our duties at home to be more fair for both of us, since most of our management fell to me.

(I mean pretty much 90% of things like cooking/cleaning, including planning for our date nights or vacations for our family rely on me. I do think it’s an issue that she gets to come home and just tell me that she’s tired.)

Then she got up in my face, telling me I had no right to lecture her about chore duties when I’m practically at home most of the time. She completely refused to hear me out and basically told me that what we have works best for our situation.

She threw me in my face that she was the money-maker and that balanced everything out in the end. Even this morning she was pretty annoyed with me, coming downstairs in a bad mood.

I’m very sure our kids noticed it too but I drove them to school after they got ready. When I got back I noticed that my wife left her packed lunch on our kitchen counter. So now I’m sitting here, just feeling like the woman I’ve known for 15 years hates me.

I guess I’ll have to push this issue properly even if she gets angry. She’s been ignoring my texts and attempts to call her. I can’t just let her act like this, especially in front of our children..

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

lt_girth −  She’s not e**itled to be acting the way she’s acting given how you realistically do all the housework. She’s an adult woman throwing a fit like a child because she was called out on lying to her friends about the amount of effort she puts in around the house.

Maybe if she’s offended by you calling her out she should step up and help out more instead of bitching at you for being right.

CampSpiritual3808 −  She doesn’t see you as her equal. Grew a backbone and directly stop doing things for her. Next time her friends came and she lies TELL THEM SHE IS LYING.

I know people should have a healthy communication but your wife is belittling you and you are letting it. If you don’t have self respect how will you demand respect from your wife?

mustang19671967 −  it’s not about chores , it’s about her thinking she is better than you and not trying to hurt you but she doesn’t respect you cause she makes more. if don’t know if she is jealous and wishes you would make more so she could stay at home but 100% she doesn’t respect you .

I would go see a lawyer just to see options. kids would probably live with you so child support probably alimony etc . if this is the case start looking at online courses or even a trade if you are handy

JunePlum79 −  Dude, stand up for yourself… And don’t ask her about “adjusting chores”, just tell her you’ll no longer be doing 90% and act on that. If she wants it done she’ll have to do it herself.

She doesn’t appreciate or respect you and your contributions to your home AT ALL and you’ve allowed her to walk all over you. This sounds like a good case for couples therapy, cause this is not sustainable. Good luck

28kingjames −  Stop doing all of it. Decide that you’re going to do cooking and laundry. The kids can help with a portion and then your wife can help with the rest.

Next time her friends come over and it doesn’t look spotless, then you can chime in and say you stopped doing all of the work and asked her to pitch in and help, but she said no because she makes more money.

Little_Loki918 −  Omg, my head is about to explode. I’m a woman and I can’t believe these responses offering excuses for your wife. Her behavior is atrocious and she is not e**itled to your emotional labor, household management, childcare etc.

Just because she makes more money. So what. If the genders were reversed everyone would be tearing the husband apart. This thinking is exactly what leads to divorce being initiated 80% by women.

Her initial response and then follow up response is downright a**sive. The idea that she can’t take accountability for lying and in so doing completely disrespecting all that you do in the home is seriously worrying.

And how she can’t manage to control her emotions and anger over a matter that should have ended with “baby, I’m sorry, I don’t know what got into me but I won’t do that again and I do see all that you do for this family and home.”

And BTW, as a woman (and a lawyer, so i know something about having a stressful job, we consider men like you unicorns and exalt them.

No one wants to have the useless husband that makes you wonder all the time about whether your marriage adds anything to your life and how much easier it is to do solo. And again, I know what I speak of because I got divorced for that exact reason AND my life is easier and more peaceful as a single mom.

chez2202 −  NTA. She won’t discuss it? Fair enough. Next time it’s her turn to host her friends at your house, don’t arrange to take your children out and don’t do the housework before they arrive.. Do it while they are there.

I’m not suggesting that you tidy and vacuum the room that they are in. Leave that room as it is. Do the kitchen and the bathroom, the laundry etc.

If anyone asks you why you are doing the cleaning just say you always do it because your wife is ‘the moneymaker’ so you do the housework and cooking. Make sure to offer them tea and coffee too!

Bonnm42 −  It sounds like you want to try and work it out before going down the divorce route. I would say something like “You said the reason you lied is because you wanted to fit in with your friends struggles. You hear your friends talking about how hard it is to be the partner that does everything.

When they try to talk to their partners about helping more, they probably gaslight them. I’m not trying to attack you, but I do need more help. It’s frustrating that you can feel sorry for your friends, but don’t help me and get mad when I ask for more help.

Just because you are the breadwinner, doesn’t absolve you of having to do your fair share. I’m not saying it has to be 50/50 because I am home more, but it should not be 90/10. Honestly would it have been so bad to at least of given me credit for all I do?”

Ilovepunkim −  Divorce that cunt. She can pay you alimony. NTA

Cowabungamon −  D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Do you think the user is justified in feeling overwhelmed by the household responsibilities, or is his wife right to prioritize her role as the primary breadwinner? How would you approach communication and fairness in a relationship like this? Share your thoughts below!