UPDATE: AITA for breaking up with my partner because I’m “Transphobic”

A Redditor provides an update on a post about breaking up with their partner after she came out as a transgender woman. After a heartfelt conversation, the ex-partner apologized for calling them transphobic.

Explaining that her reaction stemmed from unresolved anger toward a past friend who had been unsupportive of her identity. The two have decided to try staying friends while acknowledging there’s work to be done to rebuild trust. Read the full update below…

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/UVlgJ

‘ UPDATE: AITA for breaking up with my partner because I’m “Transphobic” ‘

I spoke with my, now ex, partner last night and while we are going to try and remain friends, I haven’t quite forgiven her yet. I’ll try to keep things short and concise because we talked a lot last night. When I got home from work last night, I texted her that she could call me whenever she was ready.

She left me on “Read” for about five minutes before calling and the moment I said “Hi” she started apologizing. She doesn’t actually think I’m transphobic and was beyond embarrassed that she called me such. Apparently what happened was, before coming out to me or her parents she told a few friends of hers, one of which she’d known since high school.

Back in high school (when she was still “he”), she came out her friends as a gay man. Her best friend at the time was someone she’d had a crush on and admitted to him that she liked him when she came out to him. He turned her down with the whole “I support you coming out, but I’m not gay, we’re just friends” speech.

Well, when she came out again to said friend earlier this week as MTF, he apparently asked her if she wanted to change genders because she was still in to him and thought if she was a girl that he’d date her.

Long story short, her ex friend supports gay people but is in fact 100% a transphobe and when I suggested ending the relationship after she came out to me, she took that anger out on me and then became too embarrassed to apologize and sort of doubled down. I told her that I get where the anger came from but it wasn’t cool to direct it at me.

We talked some more afterward and we’ve left it at that for now. We’re gonna try to stay friends but there’s a ways to go before I’ve fully forgiven her.
She plans to take the transition slow, probably not gonna look in to hormones until next winter as she wants people to get used to her changes first.

She did tell me that she decided on a name change. She’s using a feminine version of her favorite uncles name as he’s apparently been her biggest supporter for years, even taking her to her first Pride event in high school. I’m told her cried when she told him during Christmas, which was very heartwarming to hear.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

LLJKSiLk −  NTA obviously. Her ex-friend isn’t 100% a transphobe just because he won’t date her. He wasn’t a homophobe when he wouldn’t date them as a gay man – which is his entire history with this person up to this point. Don’t buy into the drama or make judgments about people you don’t know.

ClaritaStar −  Sounds like you handled a super messy situation with so much patience and grace. Good on you for setting boundaries while still being compassionate—it’s not easy, but you did it. Her uncle sounds like an absolute gem, though, and I hope things smooth out for everyone involved!

Agoraphobe961 −  NTA. By her logic of you being “transphobic”, wouldn’t she be h**ophobic for attempting to force you into a heterosexual relationship?

Extension_Abies1010 −  If you want to stay friends with them that’s great, but don’t feel like you have to stay friends. Being aggressive and hurtful towards you for something you didn’t even do,

especially in a way that potentially damages your reputation (people taking it at face value you’re transphobic if it was discussed with other people while still mad at you etc) isn’t okay and is way out of line.

It would be perfectly reasonable of you to cut them off after that, and you shouldn’t feel like you’re forced into staying friends to make them feel better just because they’re in a period if change. That said again, if you want to stay friends and repair that bridge, great. Just don’t feel pressured into it.

MissDemeanor94 −  Sounds like you dodged a bullet if someone who is supposed to love you (and expects that same unconditional love in return) is so willing to take their problems out on *you* and not her old high school crush…

TwoBionicknees −  I would say that it’s very weird that she immediately came out to a guy she had a crush on for a long time. Like the first people you’d tell would be your partner/closest friends. Kinda sounds like she hoped he would be in to her, then came out to her fallback and got upset that you also rejected the new her.

JulianKJarboe −  Transphobia is so pervasive look at how many “supportive” people revert to calling her “them.” That is a whole different pronoun and identity!

FlygonosK −  NTA OP, and glad that you Made your point and in a way understand where she comes from but she shouldn’t used you as a scape choice but who knows.

SnooWords4839 −  Sounds like she wants the guy, who still doesn’t want her. It’s best for you to block and move on.

punnmrn −  **GIF:** *Neo in matrix, dodging bullets*

Do you think the Redditor handled the reconciliation well, or could more have been done to address their ex-partner’s feelings? How would you navigate maintaining a friendship after a breakup involving such a personal journey? Share your thoughts below!