Update: After 17 Years, I Told My Wife Our Roles Aren’t Equal – How Do I Get Through to Her ?

A Reddit user shared their frustration over their wife’s reluctance to contribute to household duties and her ongoing struggles with balancing childcare and mental health. Despite their long history together and numerous efforts to support her, the user feels that their wife has become overly dependent on their help.

The situation has caused emotional strain, and the user is now questioning how to address the issue and regain balance in their relationship. The wife has expressed a need for a break, but the user also feels they deserve time for themselves. Read on for more insights into their ongoing struggle and efforts to find a solution

‘ Update: After 17 Years, I Told My Wife Our Roles Aren’t Equal – How Do I Get Through to Her ?’

Some of you suggested I might be enabling my wife’s behavior, so I’d like to provide more context on how things got to this point. My wife worked until she was 20, and when she became pregnant with our first child, she suggested staying home to focus on the pregnancy.

While I was initially hesitant due to financial concerns, I agreed because her health and the baby’s well-being were more important. To save money, we moved in with her older sister, and although we split the rent, it allowed us to save up.

During her pregnancy, my wife had a tough time and became irritable due to morning sickness and other discomforts. She also had trouble keeping up with work, arriving late or missing shifts. After several discussions, I agreed to take on more household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning.

When our first child was born, her sister helped with childcare, but after a falling out between them, we moved into our own place. My wife struggled more with childcare when I was at work, so we enrolled our child in daycare, and I took on the responsibility of dropping him off and picking him up.

After our second child was born, my wife again had difficulty coping with the demands of motherhood. My mother-in-law helped briefly, but when she had to leave, my wife became depressed again, and I enrolled our second child in daycare as well.

We both agreed that she would see a doctor about her mood, and while she took on more household duties, she still found it difficult to manage everything. On many nights, I ended up cooking because meals were often ruined or burned.

Around the time our children were older, I suggested my wife return to work since we had just purchased a new home and could use the additional income. However, she became pregnant with our third child, and we paused the idea of her working.

I did what I could to support her, but her depression deepened after her mother left, and I had no choice but to put our youngest in daycare as well. After much deliberation, I decided to get a vasectomy and we agreed not to have any more children.

Despite using birth control, we ended up having a third child, which was an unexpected surprise. Throughout the years, I’ve suggested she return to work, but she has struggled with balancing her responsibilities at home and work, and it’s been challenging for her.

Regarding breaks, while my wife hasn’t had a long break, she does occasionally go on weekend trips with family or friends. As for our pets, she doesn’t enjoy the dogs as much as I do, and I try to provide mental stimulation for them through activities and training.

However, she doesn’t see the need for it and becomes frustrated when their energy levels are high. Despite her reluctance, we’ve had them in training and daycare to help manage their behavior.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

hobbitfeets −  Personally the comment about daddy not allowing it would be the line. Weaponizing your children’s perception of you is m**strous

pl487 −  All I have to say is be careful. Your birth control didn’t fail; she didn’t take the pill. I would bet money that she will show up pregnant and try to convince you that the vasectomy failed. You say you can’t afford a lawyer. Do you have anything worth money that you can sell?

krakh3d −  I don’t think this trip she’s going on is legit what she says it is. The conversations cutting off abruptly when you enter the room, the inconvenience of you being home when she expected you to be gone, the urging of you to leave the house when you weren’t feeling well.. It’s too “off” from normal to me.

OP do you have access to her messages? Like are you on the account or able to access them? The fact she’s complaining about money but running off on a “vacation” is f**king wild. I don’t think this is going to end well. Sorry OP.

kathryn_sedai −  Good grief this escalated, but it sounds like you’ve made a lot of realizations. At this point you can’t NOT afford a lawyer.

polly_throwaway3 −  Slight… update? I’m not going to add this to the post as it’s already long enough. please excuse any spelling mistakes as I’m so tired.
thank you all, but I’m not in America. I know a lot of you have suggested I message her telling her I’m going to divorce her etc, but I think I’m gong to play it cool, act like I’ve accepted her decision so she’s not on guard.

I know she’s said something to my son, but he won’t tell me what it is and I feel like if I push him to he might not ever, but my nephew and him are hanging out a lot,. they’re close despite not seeing each other much so I’m hoping he might confide in him and maybe open up.

I’m not just letting this go, we will talk but I don’t want to pus him too much. I am not a lightweight, I can drink, but I have been exhausted and I mean very exhausted for some time now and I think that maybe that’s why I passed out after having one drink, but I would be lying to myself and to you if I said I wasn’t suspicious.

I am suspicious of a lot now. I swear, I’m not an i**ot, but I really feel like one now. some of you have suggested that I get the kids DNA tested, especially my youngest and while I know that this is likely something I’ll have to do, it breaks my heart to think that they’re not mine.

my girls all look the same, just older versions of each other, so if I have to DNA test the youngest, I have to do them all. I never wanted kids, this is why I’ve always used condoms. I’m not the biggest fan of them, but I love my own, I love these kids. regardless of the DNA test.

they are mine, but I fear if it comes back that they’re not It could damage our relationship. my brother has read my posts and spent the last days telling me everything he hates about my wife (obviously not in front of the kids) he’s pretty funny and I feel like I haven’t been able to laugh like this in a long time.

he says he’s going to make a reddit account, lord knows what he’ll say. writing this update has opened my eyes further, I see how the timing of wanting her to go back to work liens up with each pregnancy, but when these things are years apart,

and your concentrating on supporting the family and work your brain sometimes pushes these thoughts away until something triggers them again and boom, you’re slapped in the face with the realisation that you’re entire relationship is potentially built on a mountain of lies.

she has her phone and iPad with her, so I can’t check any of that. but I’m going to be going through her stuff, is it in envision of privacy? likely, do I care right now? no. I feel like I’ve wasted the majority of my life, the good years and that feels horrible to say when I have four kids. I promise I don’t mean that they’re a waste.

as I said in the post, this marriage is over, I am done. my kids deserve better but I won’t be alone when I confront her, as I said she can get handsy and no, I have never retaliated and I don’t want to be put into a position where I need to. I thank you all for your comments, your insight, your kindness.

I know I haven’t replied to many comments at all, but don’t really have time to do so when there are so many but I am trying to respond etc DM’s as that seems like the easier thing to do. I want to ask my SIL what actually happened with my wife and that job. but I don’t want her to know I’m suspicious.

my Sil is a kind woman but she is my wife’s sister so her loyalties lay with her I suppose and I don’t want to alert my soon to be ex. does anyone have any ideas how I can do this? seems odd to bring up a job my wife had for a very brief time years ago.. I wish you all the best.

Emergency_Tea6847 −  My gut feeling is that the two weeks were the only time her AP could get away from his wife. Possibly told OBS that it was a business trip…hence the private calls- making you sleep on the couch-trying to get you out of the house… .

It sounds like she has someone she’s entertaining and it isn’t you. She’s also trying to get the kids to not like you (getting McD’s and telling the kids you said no.
I’d start lawyering up or at least talk with one. Good luck man.

s-nicolexo −  Yeah, so she’s cheating on you and I would look into DNA tests.. I also wouldn’t be surprised if she’s pregnant now and that’s why she tried to initiate s**.
Take the money out of the account she has a card to. Tell her she can stay with her sister or your MIL. What’s the point in talking when she gets back. This marriage is over.

Q10fanatic −  So, to summarize, every single time this woman has been pushed to go back to work she has ended up pregnant. Every time she has a baby, she demands extra help to care for the child and the household. Every time you ask her to do something around the house for herself, she spends money to get someone else to do it.

When you had an argument, she escalated to a physical confrontation. She lied about going on her trip. You don’t have a marriage. You are her sugar daddy. I’m sorry that this has happened to you, but I’m glad you are aware and can take actions to protect yourself and your kids.

catatonic2020 −  What could she have put in your drink to knock you out so she could go on her trip before you could go on yours? This woman is scary. And also very likely cheating on you.

floridaeng −  OP you also need to DNA test your kids. It seems very convenient timing for her pregnancies to keep her from working. The odds of condoms not working are really low, and to have them fail twice seems very suspect. You need at least an initial consult with a divorce expert lawyer, and then DNA tests for the kids and STD test for you are needed before she comes back.

Do you think the user has been too accommodating, or is it time for a more direct approach in addressing the imbalance in their relationship? How would you manage a situation where one partner feels overwhelmed while the other is struggling with mental health challenges? Share your thoughts and join the conversation!