Told my Brother and his wife (& their dog) they can’t stay with me while they’re “looking for a place”

A widow in her 60s, who recently lost her husband and moved to Tennessee for a fresh start, was asked by her brother and his wife to stay with her “temporarily” while they searched for a home nearby. After a history of taking advantage of situations, she worried they wouldn’t leave and disrupt her newfound freedom.

She set a boundary, asking them to find a place first, but now her sister-in-law is upset and has stopped responding. The widow wonders if she’s being selfish or if she made the right decision.

Told my Brother and his wife (& their dog) they can’t stay with me while they’re “looking for a place”

I am recently windowed. I lost my husband very suddenly to brain cancer after 40 years of marriage. I was his sole caretaker in his final days, and it was incredibly difficult for me, both mentally and physically. I’ve been caring for our two children their whole lives and still continue to help out my adult children by helping out with my grandkids to this day.

After my husband died in November, I packed up my entire life and moved across the country to TN, I bought my dream home, (my husband never could bring himself to retire so we were unable to fulfill this dream when he was alive).

I bought my daughter and her two kids a home about 30 mins away from my house, so they could be nearby and have the same fresh start I have. Things have been great, a lot of change, but we’re excited to finally have done something big and brave with our lives, and feel hopeful about the future again. Just a new chapter for us all.

My kids and I joked between ourselves that my older brother and his longtime wife would surely eventually try to move in with me. They do have a history of taking advantage of situations, and people, but at the same time, we’re very close, and good people at heart.

Although, my brother has made a lot of mistakes financially that have haunted them throughout the past several decades of their lives. They currently stay in a tiny apartment in Southern California, owned by their adult son.

They don’t pay much rent, if any, and while my brother does do some remote freelance consulting work, I have no idea how much they make or have to support themselves.
Because I moved from CA to TN, I have a much bigger house now- it’s just me and my dogs, which is exactly how I want it.

My daughter and her two kids totally could have lived with me in my house, but after 40 years of being the main caretaker for my family, I’m ready to take this time for myself, while I still can. I enjoy being alone, having my own space, and doing what I wish each day, for the first time in my 63 years on earth.

My brother and his wife came out to visit a few weeks back and really loved it out here, they talked about finding a place for themselves, maybe a small rental home or an apartment nearby, so we could spend time together. I would love to see them regularly and have them over for bbqs, etc.

but several weeks after their visit they texted me letting me know they had hired movers and were going to put all their belongings in my workshop and stay with me for “a few days” while they look for a place of their own.

My daughter freaked out, said they will never leave, and if they do it’ll be because I had to help them get approved for a lease and help with down-payments/ security deposit etc. Suddenly, I could feel my newfound freedom, that I’ve waited over 40 years to claim, slipping through my fingers.

The stress of not knowing how long they (and their dog) would stay or if they’d ever leave was overwhelming. I got the courage to tell them that they need to find a place before they move out here. Their reaction was even more upsetting than their initial plans.

In fairness to my brother, he replied “no prob” as he tends to sweep things under the rug and pretend they never happened, which in this case, was fine with me. But my Sister in law sent me a defensive text asking why I have “lost all faith in them,” saying “her credit is good” and they would only stay with me a few days.

However in the very next line, she wrote that if they didn’t find a place, they would get a storage unit for all their belongings, as if their furniture in my workshop would be the issue. I felt like she totally contradicted herself, only further revealing their lack of a stable plan, an vast void in logic that would inevitably fall on me to fill in perpetuity.

All I could say is finding a place before moving out here really is the only way- but that I hope they do find a place and move out here soon. She stopped replying to me and is now ghosting me. They know I don’t like confrontation and that the tension is surely wearing me down.

I have no assurance they could get approved for a lease with their history, nor that they even really want to. Apart of me thinks they believe that because I have a large home, live alone, and live comfortably, they deserve a piece of the pie my late husband and I spent our entire lives making.

and I’m being s**lfish by setting what I see as healthy boundaries. Did I dodge the biggest bullet ever or am I the a**shole for not letting them come move in “temporarily?”

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

White_RavenZ ( Top 1 ) says

NTA -OP, look at what you wrote! They had already hired movers to relocate their s**it to your place, you were only being notified of it so you could expect their crap to arrive… and they would stay with you while they looked for their own place.

Did you see it this time? They made a decision and were following through… come on, you see it now right? What critical step dit they not only miss, but clearly never even considered in the first place?

They. Didn’t. ASK. You. First! I cannot even imagine calling up a mover to move my crap to someone else’s home, and then just telling them about it afterwards. No way. It doesn’t remotely matter that I’m “sure” they would be okay with it.

There are certain social conventions of respect we do, and I’m sure you love your brother, but he didn’t respect you enough to ASK first. And to be quite frank, I’m personally glad he was straight up rude from the get go, because if he’d been savvy enough to remember to ask first, you might have said yes without thinking it through.

Their history is against them. Your daughter predicted this, so it’s clearly an established pattern for them.Look here. Please. Once they arrive in the area, they might still try to c**eep into living in your home. All sneaky-like. They cannot come over. Make sure all your doors are always locked.

If they want to get together, meet them out somewhere for dinner or coffee, but until they have established their own roots in the area, they don’t enter your house. Get cameras for the outside of your house.

You need to be alerted if someone is at the door. Particularly if they have a locksmith with them, and a U-Haul visible on the street behind them.We have seen e**titled people pull some crazy s**it on Reddit. Stuff their families never imagined they would do. This is YOUR home. You earned every square inch of it. YOU decide who lives there, and no one else.

Otaku_Usseles ( Top 2 ) says

NTA. Listen to your Daughter, they will not leave after they put their feat in your house

Serious-Day5968 ( Top 3 ) says

NTA. Keep saying no till they stop asking. They are definitely moochers, once they move in they are never leaving your house. Your dream house should only be for you to enjoy. Enjoy your new beginning in TN.

coupleofgorganzolas ( Top 4 ) says

You pulled that dodge out of the matrix Neo. NTA. Enjoy your freedom, you don’t owe anyone anything.

ggrandmaleo ( Top 5 ) says

NTA. They’re moving across the country and have no firm plan. Young people without ties do this, not middle-aged to old people. YOU are their retirement plan. Don’t let them do this.

jacksonlove3 ( Top 6 ) says

PLEASE listen to your gut and your daughter and don’t let them “stay for a few days”!! Them visiting and them moving all their belongings here for a few days are tow completely different things and you already know how it will end up! They be there more than a few days and you’ll never get rid of them.

If they want to move out there, they need to get a place in order before they even make the trip!!You absolutely positively deserve what you’ve worked so hard for your entire life!! Don’t let them ruin it for you! And if they can’t understand why, then that’s on them!

Good luck, keep us updated!!

James—-Mac ( Top 7 ) says

This kind of happened with me, my gf has let her brother, his girlfriend (pregnant but has now given birth and cats move in, the idea was, they was supposed to sign up for the council housing (Like what you sign up to, to find housing if you’re deemed homeless).

We only have a little 3 bed house, we have 2 cats and a German Shepard Puppy (6 Months). We now have 4 Adults, 1 Baby and 5 animals in the house. It’s been over a month and a bit now and they still haven’t signed up for the housing and aren’t making a huge effort to find somewhere to stay.

Everything feels awkward and it’s hard to try and remove someone from the house when they have some relation to you, they get into constant arguments and the house no longer feels like it’s is yours, half of the fridge has gone, half of the cupboard, half of the dining room area and the spare room and there is only 3 seats in the living room (double couch and a single one) so you can’t really sit in there anymore, I know your house is a fair size but you get the gist. Listen to your daughter on this one.

mdthomas ( Top 8 ) says

>but several weeks after their visit they texted me letting me know they had hired movers and were going to put all their belongings in my workshop and stay with me for “a few days” while they look for a place of their own. Notice they didn’t ASK you, they TOLD you. NTA

AdvertisingFree8749 ( Top 9 ) says

NTA. Your SIL is an e**titled b**at, and you have a right to your own space. Also, please don’t let her push you for explanation. “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Ever.

Equal-Winner7370 ( Top 10 ) says

If they show up on your doorstep with a Uhaul in tow do now open the door! Your daughter is right, there will always be an excuse why they can’t leave. And with my family it was always the ones who screamed the most “How dare you not trust me!” who were in fact the most untrustworthy mooches.

Love them. Would absolutely not let them live with me. NTA