ThrowRA: I (32F) was offered a promotion. He (31M) refuses to move.

A Reddit user (32F) shares a deeply personal dilemma: she’s been offered a life-changing promotion that could double her income, but her husband (31M) refuses to move with her because of his strong ties to his family. While she sees this as an opportunity for their family’s future, he prioritizes staying close to his mom, leaving them at an emotional crossroads. Read the full story below to see how this Redditor navigates the tension between family obligations and career ambitions.

‘ ThrowRA: I (32F) was offered a promotion. He (31M) refuses to move.’

We’ve been married for almost a decade and have two children that are elementary school age. I work remotely. My job offered to *literally* double my income if I move to be local to where the company is. To me, this is a no brainer. That’s a life changing offer for us and our kids.

However, he refuses to move. His family is here and he won’t leave them. He claims money isn’t everything, which is true… But it sure helps and with the promotion I’ve been offered, **he could travel to see them as much as he wanted to**. He wouldn’t even have to work if he didn’t want to.

He says he’s happy here and he wants the kids to grow up around family. I get that. I do. However, if he wants the kids to grow up around family, we’re living in the wrong state anyways because I have 100x the amount of family in a different state than he has here. What he means is he wants the kids to grow up around *his family.*

I am interpreting this as him choosing his family over me and that crushes me. WE (The kids and I) are his family and he should want to do whatever he can to give US the best possible life. Never in my life did I think I’d have to fight for the priority spot in his life over his mom.

I don’t know what to do. I want this promotion. I will never see this kind of money otherwise. At the same time, I am not one to thump my chest to get my way. We always make decisions together, but we’re at a crossroads with this and I don’t know how to reach a mutual agreement. No matter which route we take, someone loses. What would Reddit do? Take the promotion with or without him? Or decline the promotion and stay here where his family is?

Edit: This got a ton of traction that I wasn’t expecting so let me clarify some things. Where my job is, we’ve lived there before. We lived where we are currently for 6 years, where my job is for 4, then we moved back a year ago. My daughter wants to move back. My son doesn’t. We are “one emergency expense” away from being homeless type of middle class. We have no savings, we can’t vacation, my parents pay for school supplies and clothes.

My biggest issue is that his sole reason for not wanting to move (At least what he tells me) is that he wants to stay close to his mom. I am not looking for a divorce. I take my marriage very seriously. I feel I’ve sacrificed a s**t ton to ensure this marriage stays successful. Divorce is not something I entertain.

That’s why, when push comes to shove, I know I’ll be the one to give up my opportunity. For the sake of keeping my family together. That’s how it’s always gone. I know that that’s where this is headed. I was hoping for advice on how to navigate this and maybe some further understanding as to why he doesn’t want to move, since he won’t tell me anything else. Also, I am trying to respond to everyone but this is blowing up way faster than I can keep up with, so be patient with me. LOL

Edit 2: I’ve been reading comments for 3 hours straight. For every comment I read, 3 more come in. I am trying, I swear! I promise I will read every single one of these. LOL One more clarification, MIL won’t move because her boyfriend won’t so that’s off the table.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Dietcokeisgod −  If you decide to not take the promotion you are likely to resent him. Would it be possible for you to commute?

mythoilogicalman −  My father had a co-worker who went through a similar situation… She was offered a promotion that required relocation, but her husband refused to move, so she didn’t take it. Then, a few years later he was offered a promotion requiring relocation, and he just told her he’d take it, and if she didn’t want to move, he’d go without her.

canadian_viking −  What would Reddit do? Take the promotion with or without him?. I’d take the promotion. He’s correct that money isn’t *everything*. Ok sure..but it can’t just be ignored either. Look at what options that money provides to your family.

You and him are able to retire earlier. You’re able to save up for your kids education. Even with health benefits, dental care is expensive as f**k. Not to mention all the other expenses of having kids. I don’t know anybody with kids that’s ever said “Yeah, even with all the various expenses of raising children, I’ve still got waaay too much money.”

You’ve pointed out that he’s basically said that he wants the kids to grow up around *his* family…why should that be of more importance than having the kids grow up around *your* family? I ain’t saying that his family is more important than yours, or vice-versa…but if he was truly trying to be fair, he wouldn’t be using family as an argument.

You sure this isn’t an ego thing disguised as a “but my family” thing? Maybe the fact that you’d be making so much money is something he just doesn’t want to deal with? We are a solid lower middle class family. Bills are paid but not much beyond that. This would put our income into 6 digits. Yeah, sounds like that extra income would allow you to plan for the future. If your husband is ignoring that, he’s clearly got other priorities than the future and security of his immediate family.

We’ve lived where my job is before. We moved back about a year ago. He knows I came back here for him and him only. So your family has already uprooted itself once because of something he wanted. Time for him to extend that same courtesy to you. All she wants is him nearby. Period. They have a dynamic I don’t understand because I’m not that close to my parents, but they FaceTime daily and tell each other everything.

S**t, he should fuckin cut the apron strings already. He’s got his own life to live that doesn’t have to revolve around his mom, and you and your kids shouldn’t have to sacrifice your security for that.

[Reddit User] −  Ma’am, this single piece of advice will probably serve you best out of anything else on this thread, conditioning you choose to understand, genuinely agree, and enact on it. I want you to understand, this is a HUGE decision, and if the cards are not played right (not for the purpose of “deception,” but the purpose of keeping your relationship intact,) this could be the end of your otherwise healthy relationship.

All though your post is limited in info, the language used speaks a lot. “Refuses” rather than “is not willing” already gives the impression that resentment/unhealthy conflict is there. To be frank, the only thing Reddit (or any online open platform) is known for, is taking the side of OP. Hence, posting here is not going to save your relationship (which ironically is counter intuitive to the “relationship advice” title of this thread.)

If you had a deadline of the end of the month, then I’d understand posting here. But you have till the end of the school year, which means that you have time.. DO. NOT. WASTE. IT. Spend the money. Go to a PROFESSIONAL marriage counselor.

If you really care about both your career and your marriage, then that is the responsible thing to do. If you lose this offer AND build resentment, or your marriage ends up taking a down-turn, THAT IS ON YOU. If you genuinely try to take up sessions with a counselor, and your husband is not putting forth the same effort in attending, then that is on him, and any consequences resulting from it are further his fault.

Aside from this situation, you’ll find other aspects of your marriage will also greatly improve, and life for your kids will be a lot better. You may even find you guys like it so much, that you keep attending past this situation. To be honest, the most successful relationships I know, all attend relationship counselors.

People have this really off stigma that something must be “wrong” with your yourself or your relationship to attend sessions, but it is actually a really healthy activity. I personally still see my counselor even now after life has drastically improved (though WAY less frequently.). Just remember:

1. No one on this thread is going to be personally effected by the outcome of your situation. You have to have your own vested interest at heart, and act accordingly.

2. If your husband was to make a thread titled “My wife (32F) was offered a promotion. I (31M) am being FORCED to move,” where in he writes his side of the story from HIS perspective, Reddit would be up in arms telling him “f**k her, STAND YOUR GROUND!” – moral being, this place will only further OP’s perceptions on the situation. As well, each person has their own side and hidden perceptions.. See a marriage counselor.

totallyCrazy1 −  I think given the size of the income jump you have to take it, but you ought to make sure the living costs in your new location won’t erase any pay increase.

SunsetGrind −  I personally don’t believe in sacrificing career opportunities. Especially if it means having a better life for you and your kids. You two need to have an objective discussion about this. The LEAST he can do is discuss without having his mind already made up. Also let him know how you feel about him choosing his mom over his wife and kids.

Constantly_Dizzy −  Could you see yourself able to live apart during the week? Perhaps compromise could mean you taking the promotion & getting an apartment there, working there during the week & coming back for the weekends? That way he could still live close to his family & you could still get job you want?

magictubesocksofjoy −  let’s say the “one emergency expense” happens. how are you going to handle waking up next to the person whose stubbornness means you have no savings to help you, no buffer to shield you from this one life-ruining emergency expense? how are you going to explain your financial crash to your kids when their lives are flipped upside down?

RazMoon −  From, your responses, I’m thinking you are in JustNoMIL and JustNoSo territory. He seems too enmeshed with his mother. The FaceTiming daily despite the physical proximity. He still could do this from the old location. When you first moved to your job location, your proposed solution was that she would move to you guys. She was thwarted because her boyfriend refusing to move.

Her forgetting your birthday after having been with her son for 11 years. You suggested couples counseling and he refuses. You mention that he could easily get his old job back should he choose to work and still it’s a no.

The bottom line is that he chooses his mother over his own family. I would take the job as it allows your family to get ahead financially instead of just treading water. Accept the job now since the move isn’t until the summer, this will give you time to see where the chips will fall and to prepare accordingly. You keep mentioning that you never choose yourself. Do it this time.

[Reddit User] −  The more I read your responses the more it seems like he doesn’t want his wife being the breadwinner.

Do you think the user’s dilemma is a reflection of balancing career ambitions and family values, or is there more to the story? How would you approach such a decision, where both personal goals and family obligations are at stake? Share your thoughts below!