The stranger (20s?M) who helped save my (25F) life might stalking me

A Redditor (25F) is dealing with a strange and unsettling situation after a man (in his 20s) helped save her life when she was choking. While she appreciated his help, his increasingly obsessive behavior, such as showing up where she frequents and making unsolicited comments, has turned into a form of stalking. She’s unsure how to handle the situation and seeks advice on what to do. Read the original story below:

‘ The stranger (20s?M) who helped save my (25F) life might stalking me’

I have found myself in an incredibly strange situation. I live in a large city in the United States, and take the subway/metro to work every day. A few weeks ago, I was finishing up my breakfast outside the train station, and a little piece of toast got stuck in my windpipe. I tried to cough it back up but I couldn’t breathe, and started freaking out.

I ran to the nearest people, two men in their 20s/30s, and made it clear I was choking. One of them had a water bottle and I was able to drink some and dislodge the piece of toast. The two men were very concerned and made sure I was okay before I left, which I appreciated very much. I thanked them profusely and went on my way to work.

I thought I would be done with this whole situation, but then things got weird. A few days after the choking incident, I was walking home from the store and all of a sudden a man runs up to me to stop me. I realize it was one of the men who helped save me, and he introduced himself (let’s call him “John”). We started talking and I thanked him again.

He then started telling me he’s been thinking about me every day and talking to me about religion and how he thinks God put me in his life. He then asked where I lived, to which I gave a very vague answer, and said “I’m not going to ask for your number right now, but I would like to get to know you.” I told him that I am in a relationship, but that didn’t really seem to sink in.

I told him I had to go, and the conversation ended with him saying “I know I’ll see you again.” I saw him again the next morning. He was standing outside the subway/metro entrance I normally use (and where I choked). I realized it was him and tried to quickly go past him so he wouldn’t recognize me… but once I was almost at the end of the escalator, I heard someone running down the steps.

Sure enough, it was John. He had run all the way down the escalator to catch up with me, and he said “I’m glad I saw you again. I’ll always be here for you.” I was really shocked, and said something like “oh” before I turned and hurriedly walked to the train platform.

After that incident, I started taking a different entrance to the train. I hadn’t seen him for a week…until I saw him again today. I was walking home from the store with my boyfriend, and all of a sudden I saw someone come up from behind my boyfriend. I realized it was John but acted like I didn’t see him, and kept focusing on talking to my boyfriend.

John got weirdly close to my boyfriend and was staring at me, seeming like he was going to say something to me, but then he pulled back and my boyfriend and I walked away. After I told my boyfriend that it was John, we checked to make sure he wasn’t following us, and used the back entrance to our apartment.

I am at a loss regarding what to do or what to think. I’m grateful to John and his friend for saving my life, but his behavior has become very inappropriate and weirdly threatening. From speaking with him, it’s clear that there’s not something quite “right” about him, and I have no idea if he would have violent tendencies if I were to tell him to leave me alone.

I hate feeling so trapped, and RESENT that this is the reality of being a woman in this world (can’t I just have a near death experience and have it not turn into some stalking situation??!?!). How should I approach this? Should I confront him or tell him off? Is this the beginning of behavior/stalking that is more sinister? Any advice would be much appreciated.

See what others had to share with OP:

[Reddit User] −  This is absolutely stalking and not okay. Next time he approaches you, tell him firmly, “You’re making me uncomfortable. Please stop following me and approaching me. I just want you to leave me alone.” If he tries to argue and follow you, or if he approaches you again, go directly to a metro employee.

If you see a police officer, even better — but the employee will be able to summon one quickly. The nice thing about city train stations is that the police are typically around or ready to come at a moment’s notice. Point him out to the officer and explain the situation. They will deal with it and tell you how to escalate if this ever happens again.

third-time-charmed −  I’d actually go to the police now, and not wait for it to happen again. They don’t need to haul up and arrest him, but the sooner you make them aware that this risk is present, the sooner you can feel safe and secure. That way, if (god forbid) something bad happens or it gets worse, they already have a lead and a record on file.

Try and document your interactions with him/things he’s said, and as everyone is saying, get it on the record (and to his person, if he comes up again) that he’s making you uncomfortable. “I’m not interested in pursuing this relationship. Stop contacting me.”

Also if he approaches you again in public, make sure that your statement about him leaving you alone is loud. You don’t have to scream, but make sure passerby can hear you/are paying attention. If you feel really unsafe, use the buddy system (your boyfriend, friend, a dog, pretend phone call) when you go out and about so someone else knows about your whereabouts or can provide you with an out like an appointment, movie showing, etc.

RadicalRobot −  Jeeze, this is awful, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You should probably start by telling him, in no uncertain terms, to f**k off and stop trying to wedge himself into your life. Bring your boyfriend with you as backup. You’re being too nice/nonconfrontational to the guy

(something that society trains women to do, unfortunately, so I don’t blame you for trying that tactic), and dudes like him see polite/awkward “no”s as “if you try harder, YES”. If he continues after being told to f**k off, it’s time to get his full name and call the cops/get a restraining order.

laundryandblowjobs −  The part where he thinks god put you in his life is the really scary part. That kind of statement could signal the kind of crazy that thinks it knows what you need better than you do – like, I’m worried about how he was looking at your boyfriend. This doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who is going to take no for an answer.

I don’t know that I have better advice than any you’re already being given here, just please don’t talk yourself out of taking it, and stay near metro police or employees as much as possible! If he approaches you outside a store, go in the store and say your Go Away speech where people can hear you!

Tiqalicious −  Jesus f**king christ, i thought this was the title to a nosleep thread when i first read it. Call the police now so they start making a record on this creepy fucks behaviour.

imtchogirl −  Ugh. If I were you, I might make a plan of what I want to say next time I see him, so that I can feel in control of the situation. I would even practice in the mirror. It sounds like you want to not have him follow or contact you again, and you are afraid of his (potentially unhinged) reaction.

So you probably want this to happen with witnesses or allies (like your boyfriend) around, and be able to leave quickly afterwards. You probably also want to de-escalate and not increase his interest or ability to follow you. Now this is more what I might do: I would want to keep it light but firm. My style would be to say something like this:

“John, I hope that what you would do for me for anyone. It’s important in the city that when things happen, strangers can help each other. But we are strangers and we are going to stay that way. I have noticed you following me multiple times, and I’m not OK with that. I do not want you to follow me or look for me any longer.

We have nothing else to say to each other. You need to respect my wish for privacy. Goodbye.” And then just leave. I wouldn’t want to get into a further conversation at all. And then if you see him again, call the police or transit police. Ugh. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It must feel so gross. I hope you find your own words to create that boundary, and the strength to enforce it.

[Reddit User] −  Off topic but water can’t dislodge something stuck in your trachea. Unless it was empacted in your esophagus. It was probably the coughing that moved things along.

ShelfLifeInc −  He then started telling me he’s been thinking about me every day and talking to me about religion and how he thinks God put me in his life
This guy is crazy, and the fact that he’s *running* up to you and getting in your personal space is further proof. I’m not sure if he’ll respond to a standard, “You’re making me uncomfortable, please stay away.”

Step one, go to the police. Step two, next time he approaches, YELL at him. Lift up on your feet, make your shoulders wide and yell at the top of your lungs, “LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON’T KNOW YOU. STAY AWAY FROM ME. STOP FOLLOWING ME.” This should have a handful of results:

1) It should (ideally) make you feel braver. Martial artists will often yell before a fight. 2) It will scare and/or startle your attacker. 3) it will attract the attention of the people around you, thus making it harder for this guy to get near you. 4) this guy will think twice about approaching you again. But you should carry some personal protection on you in case he decides to try his luck in more isolated areas.. Good luck.

jupitaur9 −  Others have given you good advice. I just wanted to comment on a couple of things: John got weirdly close to my boyfriend and was staring at me, seeming like he was going to say something to me, but then he pulled back and my boyfriend and I walked away. Ugh. The only time he *didn’t* inject himself into your life was when your boyfriend was there — typical “woman as property” behavior.

From speaking with him, it’s clear that there’s not something quite “right” about him, and I have no idea if he would have violent tendencies if I were to tell him to leave me alone. Most people who are psychologically “different” are not violent, and are actually more likely to be victims of violence rather than violent offenders. But you can’t take a chance on it here.

ImStealingTheTowels −  I actually think you need to inform the police right now about this guy, either in person at the station or via the non-emergency line. He’s approached you three times already, and is making you feel trapped and unsafe in your own neighbourhood. That’s not something you should have to put up with, OP.

As others have already said, if he follows you again loudly tell him that you’re uncomfortable and that he needs to leave you alone. Make it loud enough so that people around you can hear, but keep it succinct; you don’t want to engage with this guy for any longer than is necessary. If he protests go straight to a nearby place where there is security present and inform them what’s going on.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I had a very brief incident myself with a guy a few years ago, which wasn’t even in the same ballpark as your situation, but I remember the wave of nausea whenever I saw him all too well and can definitely sympathise. Stay safe.

It’s tough to navigate situations where you feel trapped and unsure of someone’s intentions. What would you do if you were in this Redditor’s shoes? Should she confront him directly, or take more cautious steps to protect herself? Share your thoughts and advice below.