AITA for telling my sister’s fiancee that she is infertile?
Sometimes we think we’re helping, but things can backfire in a big way. In this story, a guy decides to tell his sister’s fiancé that she’s infertile, something she hasn’t told him yet.
He thought he was doing the right thing, but it caused a huge fight between the couple, and now his sister and parents are furious with him. Was he wrong to get involved?
‘AITA for telling my sister’s fiancee that she is infertile?’
I will try to keep this as simple as possible. My 26M sister Emma 29F was very sick in high school. Her choice was either to die young or be able to conceive children. It was a hard decision for her and she doesn’t like to talk about it.
She has been dating Adam 29M for about 6 years and he is really nice. The whole family loves him. He proposed to her last year and they were planning to marry in March next year. But here is the problem, Adam really wants children. He always plays around with our little cousins at family events and talks about what he wants to do and teach his future children. We always thought that they were just going to be adopting so we never brought it up. But since the engagement, I have noticed that he always talks about them as their children, as in biological.
I don’t know how to explain it but it didn’t seem like they were going to adopt a child. After thinking about it for a while I decided to talk with Emma about it. I asked her out and gently brought up the topic. She did seem a bit angry about me mentioning it but she explained to me that Adam treats adaption the same as giving birth and that he is happy all the same. It sounded believed, but I know my sister, she was lying. During the entire conversation, she could not look me in the eye.
After a month I finally decided to talk to Adam. This Sunday we were gathered at my parents’ house for dinner and while everyone was busy and we were alone I asked Adam how the adoption proceedings were going. Were they going to start now or after they got married? He looked surprised and asked me what I was talking about. I mentioned how he wants many kids so they should probably be starting with the whole process early. He asked me if Emma wants to adopt a child because they had never talked about it. Since my parents were coming back I asked him to talk to me later.
Around the end of dinner I asked him for some help with my phone and led him to the balcony and I was honest with him. I asked him if he knew that Emma can’t have children. At first, he thought I was joking, but when he saw that I was serious he got this dead look on his face. I told him some of the details and said that it would probably be best if he talked with Emma for the full story. He was quiet for the rest of the evening.
When they got how they apparently got in a major fight. I know that he is currently staying with friends and asked for the ring back but nothing else. Emma hates me. And our parents are mostly on her side and think that I shouldn’t have said anything. I thought I was doing the right thing, this is such a huge secret to keep from your future partner, but maybe it really wasn’t my place to say anything.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
SushiGuacDNA – NTA. I’m struggling with this, because it is obviously such a big betrayal of your sister. It wasn’t your secret to tell. And yet, marrying someone while leading them on about something that can never be. That seems like an even bigger betrayal. He deserves to know. She deserves someone to love, and to raise children with, but it has to be someone she is honest with about how they are going to do it.
Emma hates you, but you did the right thing. Hopefully Adam will forgive her and they can live happily ever after with their adopted children. But the chances of that would have been much higher if she had been honest with you.
Remember, she also lied to you, in saying that she had talked with Adam about this. And as a result, her lie made it almost reasonable for you to talk to him about it. I mean, she said that she had told him, so what was there for your to reveal? So Emma seems to be chalking up additional asshole points, and I’m feeling even more forgiveness for you here.
CinderellaGoneCrazy – NTA. Though I think I would’ve first told my sister “I know you’re lying, either you tell him the truth or I will” but honestly she had 6 years to tell him. The guy needed to know.
SocksAndPi – ESH, except the fiance. You for telling something that wasn’t your damn place. Your sister for not being honest to someone she planned to marry. “You tell him by date or I will” is more than reasonable. You did not do that.
charmedvampgirl – I prob going to be the later here and say your NTA. Most ppl will say you are that it was not your business to tell but im of the firm belief that you had every right to tell. She was lying to him and trying to trap him in a marriage knowing she could not give him the one thing he wanted. If she had been up front and they decided together that it was ok and adoption was fine then that is different but they didn’t she lied.
Im sorry shes your sister but she is getting what she deserve because you cannot start of a marriage with lies. I hope your parents wake up because letting her think this is ok is wrong. You did the right thing of that I have no doubt bc I cannot have kids and my husband knew way before we even started talking about marriage. It was one of the first things I told him.
Mapilean – NTA. Emma told you that Adam knew about her infertility. She lied to you just as she lied to Adam, but you can tell her and your parents that you sincerely thought you could broach the subject with him.
Of course they all know that Emma lied in the first place, to him and to you. Her marriage would have gone down the drain after a few years, once the truth came out. The ideal would have been complete honesty on Emma’s part, but your betrayal of her (because I know she will consider it a betrayal) is nothing, compared to her betrayal of Adam.
naraic- – Once your sister told you that they were adopting you were clear to talk to the fiancee about that. The fact that he knew nothing about it wasn’t upto you. Yes you suspected your sister was lying about adoption but that’s whatever. Nta
WanderingGnostic – I read through the previous comments and I get both sides of the argument. Yes, it’s true that it wasn’t your secret to tell. However sister has had 6 years of knowing this guy wants a family and is very excited about having a family. She should have come clean the first time kids came up. For me, the lying is the bigger issue here. Lying is never the answer and it was better to have it out now, rather than put this poor guy through a marriage based on lies and a bitter divorce later.
So while everyone but the poor fiancee sucks, I’ll give you a NTA because you, at least, were honest with the dude while the rest of the family supported the lie.
Over-Distance8726 – YTA. Big time. Infertile and sterile are two very different things. Infertile- low probability of natural conception. Most medical illnesses and their treatments will leave a woman in this category. Sterile- hysterectomy or without the organs present and developed, rendering a pregnancy impossible.
It’s 2024. There are many, many ways to conceive. They could still have biological children. Your sister keeping this secret was wrong. But you telling it in her place is unforgivable. I would never speak to you again. You should have had a conversation with sister and before and urged her to tell her fiancé, and that if she didn’t, then you would. Give her time to break this to him. You were so out of order.