Son (M28) Devastated by death of Girlfriend (F29) during Childbirth. Totally out of our depth here
A Reddit user shared their heartbreaking experience of their son, who recently lost his girlfriend during childbirth. Now living with them along with their newborn, the son is struggling deeply with grief and guilt, despite being a devoted father. Although he’s attending therapy and functioning well at work, his emotional well-being seems to be stuck. The parents are doing their best to support him but are unsure how to help him move forward, as they have never faced such a tragedy before. Read the full story below to understand the depth of their challenge and their search for advice.
‘ Son (M28) Devastated by death of Girlfriend (F29) during Childbirth. Totally out of our depth here’
Our son’s girlfriend died giving birth to their child around 8 months ago. They were together for 6 years and had started planning their family (they never felt like they wanted to get married). He is understandably taking everything very hard. Him and his son have moved back in with us (his father and myself) and we are completely happy to have them – he said his house had too many painful memories, and we also feel that it’s better for him to be with us so we can help & support him during this horrible time.
He’s an amazing father to his son, and after two and a half months off (paternity leave) has returned to work and is functioning well in that aspect.
However, we are worried about his state of mind. He has been in therapy which initially helped very much but he seems to have hit a standstill over the last 2 months. He recently expressed how he thought everything was his fault because he’s the one who got her pregnant in the first place. We tried to reassure him that it wasn’t but he just brushed it off and said he knew that but he still felt that way.
Obviously I know there’s not going to be any miracle cure for this, and he’ll probably be affected by it for a long long time, but is there any way we can help him with this process? We are very concerned but have never dealt with anything even remotely like this before so any advice would be appreciated.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
yeahnotmymainaccount − This is way out of reddit’s league. There might be some sort of specialized community that could help deal with this. Is he seeing any sort of grief counselor?
Funandgeeky − As your grandchild grows older, he may also struggle with the idea that his mother’s death is his fault. It’s important that he never blames himself and that he knows that no one blames him. That’s also something else to look out for later. I hope this never comes to pass, but keep an eye out to make sure your son doesn’t blame his child for what happened. Hopefully this is something he’s dealing with in therapy and will never come up. But human grief is tricky, so just keep an eye out for it just in case.
So far it seems like you are doing everything you can. It’s hard seeing someone suffer and not being able to fix it. Your presence and support are helping, and you are being good parents and grandparents. You wouldn’t have reached out like this if you didn’t care. And sometimes that’s all we can do.
dontspeaksoftly − I’m sorry for your family’s loss, especially for your son. I highly recommend finding someone in your area who does EMDR therapy. It’s a particular type of therapy for trauma and PTSD. Your son has experienced a devastating, traumatic event. It will take time, but finding him a therapist well versed in trauma will be the most helpful thing you can do.
jasonk2424 − Therapy and time. All you can do is be there for him and the baby. Good luck to all of you in a terrible and difficult time.
[Reddit User] − I used to be a hospital chaplain (short-term but still I’ve seen a lot!) It’s the instinct of whoever isn’t in the pain to want to comfort and soothe it away. Some people may want and benefit from that, but some (like your son it seems) don’t.
Think of what he said about it being his fault for getting her pregnant in the first place. If he’s admitted to that you can only imagine the dark places his head has gone. He’s surely haunted by fears of if *she* blames him, of what she suffered, of what he’ll tell their child, and so on.
Maybe the idea that he’s somehow to blame is plausible to him, but if he took it a few steps further he may see how hard he is being on himself. For example, if he says that and someone were to (instead of suppress it) roll with it, he may be able to really face those feelings and get a better hold of what’s eating at him. It won’t be made worse— as I said his mind is *already* there. You, or another gentle and trusted love one may try: “Everyone takes that chance when they have a baby. Are you wishing you never tried to have kids?”
“Why do you think it’s your fault? What could you even do if it were your fault? What do you think you “deserve”?” This one may hurt but it will let him acknowledge his guilt and then realize how harsh he is being with himself. Remind him his son needs him.
You can acknowledging feelings you feel for him that he may not be able to acknowledge himself. It won’t be pretty. But it is real. I had a couple of patients visibly disturbed but unable to acknowledge they were about to die. I would say something like, “I’m sad that it’s so hard to talk about this. I’m so scared wondering what it must be like for you right now.” Just an acknowledgement would often make people open up or start to cry but afterward they would feel some relief.
So, you could try that when you catch him at a bad time. “I’m so sad too that he won’t have his mom. He has all of us and we will tell him stories about her and keep her in his life I promise.” “It hurts me that you have to do this alone *while* missing [his gf]. Sometimes I’m angry at God (or the world or whatever you want to say) that this happened to you. Sometimes I’m scared about how he’s going to take it as he grows up. He has a great father but it is still so awful he won’t grow up with his mother.”
YES, all of this sounds to us who are living in the “normal world” as if it’s putting salt in the wound, but people living in “grief world” are often so consumed with it that acknowledgements actually bring in fresh air and allow for thought loops to get broken. I would imagine he feels he has to do everything he can to keep it together. Try to be someone that can sit with the ugly. This time will pass eventually but your son is in the thick of it still for now— accompany him and step into it with him sometimes. I’m sorry and good for you for all you’re doing for them.
NJM2284 − My wife died in childbirth in April 2019 at the age of 36. There is an invitation only Facebook group of widowed dads which I have found immensely useful. PM your son’s name and I will invite them into the Facebook group. I’m also happy to have a chat with you/him and share my experiences. The last 8 months has been incredibly hard.
TikoyaGF − Try group therapy. After trauma and the lost of a love one many need others in their shoes to keep pushing. I would even join support groups outside of group therapy too.
networkcrystal − I wonder if (in the long term… he may have to come to this when he’s ready) spending time with other people who were widowed may be a good idea. I only suggest this because my mom died in childhood and my dad mentioned that he went to some support groups that were very helpful, he even met some friends there. He’ll find that feeling responsible for your partner’s death is a very common response, maybe that would help him talk about it more. Just a thought. Thank you for being so supportive, sending good wishes to all of you.
Mangeni − It takes a village, so be that village.
ugly-doris − You’re doing all the right things. The reality is that a terrible thing has happened to him and he is probably going to feel bad about it for a long time. This is a totally normal human response. His therapist will be guiding him through the grieving process and supporting him while he feels those emotions, not helping him bypass it.
Keep supporting him with the practical, day-to-day things that can often get left by the wayside when tragedies happen. Check in with him regularly and encourage him to check in with his doctor regularly as well in case it’s advisable that he switches up what kind of therapy he’s having down the line – this may well happen more than once. Offer to look after your grandson so your son can go out and spend time with his friends, as keeping your interpersonal relationships strong is so important during times of hardship.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re loving supportive parents and your instincts are guiding you in the right direction. Keep showing him that you love and support him; it will help enormously. And look after yourselves too. I know it can seem like things that don’t happen directly to you shouldn’t affect you, but this is a horrible, distressing thing to happen to someone you love, so take care of yourself.
Do you think the son’s feelings of guilt are natural or could they be contributing to his prolonged grief? How would you support someone in a similar situation, especially while balancing the needs of a child? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.