Son (m22) threatening to cut off contact with me (m65) over med school tuition

A father (65M) is facing an emotional dilemma with his son (22M), who is threatening to cut off contact if his father doesn’t cover the full cost of medical school — around $400,000. The father has already paid for his son’s undergraduate degree but explained that he can’t comfortably pay for med school due to his upcoming retirement. The son’s ultimatum feels like emotional blackmail, and the father is struggling with how to handle the situation. Read the full story below.

‘ Son (m22) threatening to cut off contact with me (m65) over med school tuition’

I’ve worked hard to support my son through his undergrad degree, covering all of his expenses along the way. Now, he’s interested in pursuing medical school, which is no small financial undertaking. The total cost, including tuition and living expenses, is around $400,000.

He’s a brilliant student, but because I earn too much, he won’t qualify for financial aid. I explained to him that while I could technically afford to cover these costs—I have $2 million in cash and $1 million in home equity—I’m approaching retirement, and this would leave me feeling financially strained. I suggested he take out loans, as many of my doctor friends did, since they were able to pay them off quickly after graduating and starting their careers.

However, he reacted strongly, even threatening to cut off all contact if I don’t foot the bill. To me, this feels like a shocking level of entitlement, if not outright emotional blackmail.

I’m torn. On one hand, I want to support my son and his dreams, but on the other, I’ve already done so much to get him this far. Taking on the full cost of medical school would jeopardize my own financial security in retirement.

How would you handle this situation?
Is it unreasonable to ask my son to take responsibility for funding his medical education, or am I right to set this boundary? Has anyone else faced something similar with their children? I’d appreciate any advice, perspectives, or even tough love.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

SnooCupcakes780 −  Wow, I’m sorry but it seems like your son is way too entitled and sees you more like an ATM. It doesn’t matter how much money you have. You have already paid and given him an excellent start in life – better then what most parents can afford. He should be incredibly grateful.

If he cuts all contact because you did not give more money, Then that’s all that you were to him 🙁 Your money is your money. You can’t take it with you in your grave so please use it to enjoy your retirement. It’s for your retirement and for enjoying life. Your son will have to take a loan like all others but surely he can pay that back.

nick_riviera24 −  I am a retired doctor. I retired at 50 with plenty of funds. I took out loans and incurred a large debt. I easily paid it all off very quickly. Student loans are a solid investment for a doctor.

If your son is making threats if he is not given a free medical education I fear you have raised an entitled boy. Residency will rid him of his illogical sense of entitlement. If you placate him in this way, you will cause him irreparable harm as a man.

ozperp −  1 How does it get to this point without having discussed this? 2 He should take out a loan – it eats far too much into your retirement to fund this! If he doesn’t think it will pay off, then maybe he should go to a less expensive medical school, or pursue another career.

anglflw −  He can apply for scholarships. He can get loans. He could join the military and have them pay for his medical school in exchange for so many years of service. He could get loans then work for the Public Health Service or Indian Health Service or other public service and have his loans forgiven after 10 years of service.. He has so many options.

tbx5959 −  “won’t get any aid since I make too much money”. How about have him work out how much more it will cost him for private loans versus government backed loans and offer to pay (at least towards) that?

He’s being penalized because you make a lot of money; he’s being a d**k because life must have been pretty good since you made a lot of money (i.e. let him arrive at this catch-22 in the first place).

CuriousPenguinSocks −  The real villain here is the system that counts a parents income. I grew up in an a**sive home, and boy going to college sucks. Give it some time and have a discussion about it. I wonder if he won’t qualify for the full amount.

If you want to further assist your retirement, maybe purchase a condo for him to use, and then you can rent it out later. That can help with a place to live. However, it can be tough if he has to mive locations down the line. I’m just wondering if there is any room for compromise. If not from his end, then yes, that’s some next level entitlement.

BrewboyEd −  Tell him if that’s how he feels, you understand and that you’re sure he’ll understand that it’s totally reasonable to disinherit anyone who has cut off contact with their own dad over money.

SalamanderPop −  Withholding love because you won’t give him hundreds of thousands? Damn. Call the bluff in a loving way. I wouldn’t part with a heavy percentage of my retirement right as I’m entering into it. He is an adult now. He can make adult decisions. Just be there, be honest, and don’t withhold love as revenge.

Brilliant-Sea-2015 −  Is there backstory that’s missing here, e.g., did you pay for grad school for siblings or previously agree to pay for medical school?

caveat_actor −  I don’t think using your friends as an example is useful. Tuition and fees were way less back then. I would just tell him that you’ll continue to contribute 1k (or whatever) to his living expenses while he is a student but he will need to take out loans for the rest and that should influence his decisions.

He doesn’t need to know your finances but he does need to know what to expect. I think it’s also reasonable for you to explain to the financial aid officer that you’re retiring and won’t have income for school and see if that helps with the aid.

Is the son justified in expecting his father to pay for medical school, or is this entitlement gone too far? How should parents balance financial support with teaching their children responsibility? Share your thoughts below!