SO[35M]’s parents [65?M/F] doesn’t like me[31F] because I’m not like his son

A Reddit user shared their struggles with their boyfriend’s parents, who have been making hurtful and dismissive comments because she is Hard of Hearing (HH) and not fully deaf like their son. Despite their healthy, loving relationship, the boyfriend is deeply upset by his parents’ behavior, leading to tension and sadness in their lives. Read the full story below to explore how they are navigating this complex situation.

‘ SO[35M]’s parents [65?M/F] doesn’t like me[31F] because I’m not like his son’

My situation is really weird. Explanation: I’m what the deaf (non-verbal audio) classify as Hard hearing (HH) because I can communicate with hearing person without resorting sign languages or notes.

I met my boyfriend, “Alan”, who is deaf about year ago. I was the only person he could communicate at work with ASL, even though I only could sign basic words. Later, he began to teach me in more advanced ASL and we found out we have so much in common in tv, movies, books tastes with similar goals and desires in life that we became best friends that evolved into a romantic relationship. We’re going strong nine months now and we’re compatible in every area.

It’s the best and healthiest relationship I ever had and I’m always excited and giddy to see him at work or when we wake up together. He feels the same and we’re talking moving each other as soon his lease is up in three months from now. Two months ago, we decided to meet each other parents which all are hearing (he’s their only deaf son). Alan met mine and it went fabulous. Then we met his parents, “Irma” and “Paul”.

I thought we got along because they were smiling, gushing and laughing but I’m beginning to believe they were putting their best masks for the sake of their son. One time on a family’s bday parties, Irma said in front of the ladies with me next to her, “It’s so impressive you can talk with that speech impediment. I barely can understand you myself.”

She said as jokingly manner but no one laughed, everyone glanced at each other awkwardly and I just stared at her, then excused myself. At first I wasn’t sure if she meant as generational-ignorant way like “who’s the woman in the relationship?” to the gays. I didn’t mention to my boyfriend because I was hoping it was only time remark.

It wasn’t. They made more comments, mostly Irma, about me struggling pronunciation or grammars, using sign language incorrectly and not teaching me the right one like Alan would do, or not having deaf/HH friends or not going more to deaf community and so on. It happened so gradual and subtle that I didn’t realize they were being insulting to my face that to this day I still wonder.

Most of the time they would make those comments without Alan nearby. I mentioned to Alan few times and he told me that maybe they were worried I might not understand the deaf culture. He talked to them that saying those things weren’t helpful and he would appreciate if they would shut it up. They didn’t.

Few weeks ago at bbq party, Irma and Paul sort of insinuated about my parent for not giving best tool for me, saying it was a shame that my parent didn’t put me in deaf school or letting me to get cochlea implant or letting me to study aboard in non-deaf university program. They made it sound as if my parent crippled me as person because my social and emotional network didn’t consist the “right” people.

This time I got angry and I said what they said was rude, that my parents made lot sacrifice for me and no one has the right to belittle for their choices about raising me. Alan caught at the end of the conversation (lipreading) and asked me what’s going on. Not so surprisingly, Alan’s parent threw me under the bus, remarking I was so sensitive after making such innocuous comment. Alan saw I was uncomfortable and asked me if I want to leave. I said yes and we left, when we got home he asked me what they said to me.

I didn’t want to say what his parent told me because it was so ugly to talk about it but I told him anyway and he got upset for me. He face-timed them and said they shouldn’t said that. He told them they crossed the line. They pretended they didn’t know what I was talking about, that perhaps I misunderstood, considering I’m “hard hearing” which upset Alan even more. They ended arguing for few minute before Alan hung up.

Since then, Alan has become desolate and needy. He apologized to me hundred of times for not believing me what I said before. I told them that he has nothing to apologize because I wasn’t sure if they were being snide toward me until now and I’m not going to blame Alan for what his parent said to me. He told me he’s thinking reducing contact with them but I told Alan it wasn’t necessary. He can do whatever he wants with his parent but that I rather would not go to any of his family gathering or go his parent’s. He assured he would never force me or put me in that situation ever again.

We’re closer together than we were but he’s still sad and he no longer goes to his family gatherings or his parent’s. I find him staring at nothing in particular for long minutes and his eyes which used to sparkle are now dim. I want to cheer him up but I’m not so sure how to in first place. I just don’t know what to do and I don’t understand why his parents are so rude toward me because I’m not “completely” deaf considering they aren’t one!. What I can do?

TL;DR: My SO’s parent (hearing) doesn’t like me because I’m (Hard Hearing) not completely deaf like he is. SO found out and he’s upset.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

IthinkImtheretoo −  He’s 35 and his family has essentially kept him isolated with the kind of passive aggressive tactics they used on you. It’s entirely natural that he would mourn their ability to be happy for him. Let him work on the changing the dynamic with his family as he goes. He shouldn’t cut them out completely, just withdraw a bit. If he wants to attend a family event, discuss it and decide what’s best in the specific situation. You are probably the best thing that ever happened to him too. Keep that in mind as you deal with his parents and extended family.

RunningSomeMo −  I think your boyfriend is being a really stand up guy! I’m glad that he supports you and doesn’t defend his parents when they treat you poorly. I think you are doing a great job of being kind to him about his parents while still maintaining boundaries that make you feel comfortable. If he is still choosing to limit his contact with them, even when you say it’s not offensive to you that he go to see them, I would think it’s because he’s angry at their behavior and not just angry because you’re upset.

He agrees with you that their behavior was unacceptable. He’s probably upset too because it’s hard to see you parents do mean, rude, or cruel things to other people. Him being bummed out that his parents s**k (in this particular case) isn’t your fault at all but it’s still a bummer for your boyfriend.

I would just continue the relationship as normal. Maybe surprise your boyfriend with a small treat, favor, or something if you want to cheer him up, but don’t make a huge drama about that. If you have to see the parents in the future for some unavoidable reason, grey-rock them. Avoid it when you can though, which you said you were planning to do.

disagreeabledinosaur −  I suspect this is a bit like religious converts. When they had Alan they decided to bring him up a certain way and “bought in” to that way as the one true way. Now you show up having followed a different way and doing well for yourself. The cognitive dissonance is off the charts. The only way to cope is to undeemine and attack you, prove to themselves they were right and you were wrong. What they’re doing is similar to what cultists and the super religious do when their belief system is challenged. You might find good advice in the literature for dealing with it.

[Reddit User] −  Do you two have any other Deaf friends who you could ask for advice on this? I’m not part of the Deaf community (just taken an ASL class) but from what I understand Deaf culture/community/education is a huge deal because for so long people tried to force folks like your boyfriend to be like hearing people in unnecessary and forceful ways. So in response to that now, there is a strong community of people who push back on anything that remotely feels like that forced assimilation.

Like Alan’s parents who think your parents did you a disservice by “forcing” you to assimilate by getting cochlear implants or go to a hearing-majority school. Neither of your parents are wrong, they just made different choices for their kids. The problem seems to be two fold: his parents don’t respect your parents decisions so as a result they don’t respect you, and his parents view you as a breach of his Deaf identity, which they seem to have adopted for themselves too. I think you should talk to others who have maybe been through something similar. I’m not sure if there are any subreddits who can help you with this.

Perhaps both of you making a big deal out of this and explaining what damage they are doing to their relationship with their son will help. Perhaps not. But I think they’re scared of change and see you as an intruder and you two need to either make them realize you aren’t an intruder, or lower contact with them. Alan seems to have realized this but it takes time to process. I think you just need to be there for him and let him redesign his relationship with his parents as he sees fit.

bahhamburger −  Sounds like they’ve lived their lives vicariously through their son and he makes up a big part of their identity to the point where they want to fight battles in a war that doesn’t exist. What his mom is doing sounds like gatekeeping – judging who gets to say they belong and who is just a poser.

MikkiTh −  He just learned something horrible about his parents. This is something he should talk to a therapist about, but honestly it isn’t your fault. His “normal” setting was skewed so he missed a lot but now I think he’s seeing their comments to him in a new light too.

kendallybrown −  Ugh this is why I have issues with the parents of disabled people so often (I’m disabled). This is a pretty common thing, where non-disabled parents develop this sense of gatekeeping on their kid’s (whether grown or child) disability…..including having NO problem insinuating or outright saying they know better than other disabled people. (I hope you dont find it offensive for me to use disabled to refer to you, since you’re HH. I just see so many parallels with the s**t you’re dealing with and situations I’ve been in before.)

Malinaras −  (Backstory, I’m a CODA with a deaf mom, brother and sister) Ugggh, the fact that they’re shaming you for not running in all deaf circles when they’re hearing is b**lshit. You are perfect just the way you are!!! My mom and brother are deaf and don’t even involve themselves in deaf culture because they don’t want to, that doesn’t make them any less of anything!!! My siblings went to a mainstream school… nothing wrong with that either.

I love that your guy is helping you with sign language, it’s always nice to learn more, and at the hands of someone non judgemental and caring. I could definitely imagine your guy is heartbroken over how terrible his folks are being to you… he loves you. I hope he finds his sparkle again soon.

tequilaearworm −  I’m sorry, the deaf community can be really weird. To be honest I’d take your SO up on his offer, it’s probably not just his parents. The attitudes of his parents probably come from the attitudes of the deaf community they are in.

CobaltDraconis −  None of this is either his or your fault. He’s probably upset with himself because his parents were his heroes and it hit him that they are regular people. Unfortunately he is going to have to come to terms with it himself, ideally by talking to his parents and getting them to understand why what they were saying was wrong. This may or may not work at which point he will have to lay down the law and tell them either they respect you or he stays away. It’s unfortunate, he seems like he really loves and respects his parents, but they obviously don’t respect his choices.