SIL keeps the gifts I get my nieces for herself

A woman (34F) discovered that her sister-in-law has been taking the gifts she buys for her teenage nieces, keeping them for herself under dubious excuses. Annoyed and protective of her nieces, she wonders how to address this behavior without sparking unnecessary conflict. Read the full story below.

‘ SIL keeps the gifts I get my nieces for herself ‘

I (34F) have two teenage nieces I frequently buy gifts for. They are things teens like to have, like jewelry, lululemon clothing and bags, etc. They pick them out and are very sweet/appreciative. This past weekend the girls were visiting with their mom (30s) and my brother, their dad.

I noticed their mom had on one of the belt bags I’d gifted my niece, as well as a bracelet my other niece had asked for for Christmas. I ended up giving the girls some bags they had wanted for school, and one of my nieces said, “mom, you’re NOT taking this one this time.”

My SIL laughed and said, “oh true. I did steal your other one.” My nieces later told me that she frequently takes the gifts I give them and keeps them for herself. This isn’t just borrowing; she’ll tell my nieces that the other clothes were lost or she accidentally donated them or something then wear them herself.

Or, she’ll take the bags and refuse to give them back and tell them they “have enough.” I’m actually really annoyed by this. They make plenty of money and she can buy her own stuff. Plus, these are gifts selected specifically for my nieces. Any ideas on how to address this with her without starting a huge fight?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Ladyughsalot1 −  In this case you talk to your brother first. Usually I’d say be more direct but no. “The girls and SIL all confirmed that most of the gifts I get for them are claimed by SIL. It’s not up to me how your house is run but I really want to know the gifts I get for the girls are enjoyed by them.

Can you tell me what I can get the girls that would just be for them?”  Also, consider activities with the girls as gifts. Aquariums, restaurants, theme parks, movies. Not gift cards, the excursion itself. When out, get them things their mom won’t take. Necklaces with their names on them for instance 

Leviosahhh −  My mom was the same exact way. I wish someone stood up for us. As an adult, after decades of this, I’m low contact and my sibling is no contact. She made us feel like she didn’t think we deserved as nice of a life as she did or nice gifts because she brought us into this world.

lagelthrow −  I think the only solution is to have that conversation directly. YOU don’t have to start a fight. If SHE decides to get pissed, thats her own problem. “Jessica, the girls told me the other day that you sometimes keep the gifts i give them.

I work hard to be able to buy them gifts and i pick them out specifically for each girl. Its a gesture that’s meant to be from me to each of my nieces specifically. When you take those gifts away from them, it’s hurtful and honestly kind of rude for me, as the person who spent the money and effort on those gifts.

If you dont want me to give them gifts as often, i’ll respect that as you’re their mother, but if i give them something, it is meant to belong to them alone”

ChrisC1234 −  Sounds like it might be time to stop “giving” them gifts and start “loaning” them brand new things that you purchase specifically because they would like it.

If their mom tries to take it, they will just need to stay that “It belongs to Aunt Chloedear and I have to give it back next week”. If she still takes it, they just let you know and you suddenly need it back immediately… and then they re-borrow it a few days later.

AuntyVenom −  I mean, why NOT start a huge fight with a person this sociopathic, though?

Glitched_ES −  Order personalized gifts, with a name on them. Or something too weird for an adult to wear. Or if you want to make a joke on her – t-shirt with a text in another language she doesn’t know which will be offensive 😉

hammerparkwood −  My ex dil was like that….if we sent our grandkids VISA gc(they lived far from us) to buy something for themselves she would keep it. My son said to only send gift cards for Toys R Us since she couldn’t use them. Now that they are older I can e-transfer money. OP is lucky she found out.

PotatoMonster20 −  Your SIL is despicable. You CAN raise it with them if you want to. But I’m not sure someone like that would be open to change…. So you may be better to: – avoid physical gifts where possible – buy them experiences instead and go with them. Hold on to the tickets yourself.

– create bank accounts for them and put the money you would have spent into those accounts, so they can use it when they’re adults and away from their thieving mother. – if they want specific items, buy them, but store them at your house until they’re out on their own

Edit: One thing you may like to do is talk to your brother and get those things back from his wife. You bought them for a specific purpose and they were stolen. You want them back.

If you’re able to get them back, store them at your house until the girls are in their own places. Or sell them and add the funds to their personal bank accounts – whatever the girls decide they’d prefer.

armchairdetective −  Stop buying gifts and buy experiences instead. You get to spend time with them and she can’t steal them.

handydandy2020 −  No no and no. If you don’t want a grown ass adult screeching at you to mind your business and causing chaos, start giving experiences instead of objects. Lunches, movies, hairdressers, water parks etc.

Anything physical have their initials/name monogrammed on it. Tell them privately they’re welcome to keep their stuff at your house until they want to access it, and create a little mini stash spot cupboard. Personally I’d just embarrass her every time I spotted her sporting something of theirs –

” oh I didn’t think you’d be into that, I’ve only seen teenagers wearing them “. ” those pants are on sale right now if you wanna order some for yourself “. ” I’m a bit sad i only see you using the gifts I get the girls,

I’ll double check with them it’s something they want next time. I feel awful they feel like they can’t say anything to me so ill let them know ” ” oh didn’t (niece) like that bag? Was it the wrong one? “

Navigating family dynamics can be tricky, especially when it involves fairness and respect. Do you think the aunt should confront her SIL directly or find another way to ensure her nieces enjoy their gifts? How would you handle this situation? Share your thoughts below!