Should I move out? How do I even ask?

A 16-year-old boy is struggling to adjust to living with his dad (47M) and his dad’s new family after his mom passed away. Tensions have risen, especially after his half-brother damaged his belongings and his dad’s wife and half-sister barely acknowledge him.

The boy feels isolated, unwelcome, and emotionally drained, and recent events, like being locked out in the rain, have made him question his living situation. He’s been offered a chance to stay with his dad’s best friend, but he fears it will cause conflict with his dad, who has already sacrificed a lot to bring him home and prevent him from going into foster care.

‘ Should I move out? How do I even ask?’

It’s been about six months since I(16M) had to move in with my dad (47M) and his family after my mom died and I still feel like his wife and my half-siblings despise me just for being there. The issue of my mom’s pictures getting destroyed turned what was already a s**tty situation into something that is just ki**ing me.

I ended up sleeping on the couch for almost two months because I couldn’t stand the sight of my half brother M (18M) after what he did to my stuff and started carrying a backpack around the house with anything personal that I had brought from my mom’s apartment wherever I went so nothing else could be damaged.

M ended up apologizing to me but it seemed more of a show for my dad than an actual apology to me. My dad’s wife S (48F)and my half-sister A (now 15F) still barely acknowledge me and still almost exclusively use French in the house, which I’m only now starting to pick up words and conversation for.

I’ve always felt like a stranger in this house and, while I understand why they don’t want me around, I don’t know what I can do to try and make things work. The worst of it came three weeks ago when I lost my keys to the house and got stuck out in the rain after I came home.

I tried calling my dad but he didn’t pick up and I rang the doorbell as many times as I could because I saw S’s car outside the house so I knew she was home. There isn’t much close by us so I couldn’t walk anywhere to wait. By the time my dad got home an hour and a half later,

I was soaked and cold and, when we got inside, S just said that she was on a call and couldn’t hear the doorbell ringing. I couldn’t even talk to her and just went upstairs and cried in the bathroom before going to bed. My dad apologized later for not seeing my message sooner but that’s not really the issue here.

I feel sick living here and can barely eat or sleep half the time. My grades are tanking and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone. I miss my mom and everyone is pretending like she never existed and I have to basically do the same thing so nobody at home gets mad at me.

The main issue is—a week ago, my dad’s best friend and his husband (who I’ve met a couple times and stayed with the first couple nights after I reconnected with my dad while he was trying to figure out how to bring me home) heard about me being locked out of the house and asked if I wanted to come stay with them for a while.

I want to say yes so bad because anywhere has to be better than where I’m staying now. But I know it’s going to cause issues with my dad because he ruined his entire relationship with his family to be able to bring me home so I wouldn’t have to go into foster care, and it’s going to seem incredibly ungrateful.

I know my dad’s trying, he really is, but I don’t know what I’m going to do if I have to keep living in his house until I turn 18. How do I broach the subject with him? Is trying to move out even worth it at this point or should I just toughen up and deal with it for the next year and a half?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Peacesalam −  You’re living in a hostile environment. With time that will really effect your health negatively. You’ve been offered a safe space to live. Don’t walk, but run in that direction. Your dad is the adult. Let him deal with all of the negative consequences. Put yourself first. I’m really sorry about the loss of your mother.

m3lrose −  I am so sorry. Your father’s wife and your half-siblings have a lot of misplaced anger. Do they treat your father the same way they’ve been treating you? Although in relation to the advice you’re seeking, that’s neither here nor there.

I would definitely take your dad’s friends up on the offer, even if it’s just for a short while. You need to get out of that toxic situation. You also need to have a frank talk with your dad. Is he backing you up in these situations, or does he stand by and let them treat you like that? You’re going through a rough time and it must be terrible to feel like no one is there to support you.

cliche_catgirl −  What an awful situation, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. As a mother myself, I want nothing more than to take you in and give you the longest hug ever. If I were your mom, I’d tell you to go where you’re safest. Your dad’s household is not safe and is actively damaging your mental and physical health.

I get that your father is doing his best, and it’s kind of an impossible position he’s in trying to placate everyone, but here’s the thing… as your parent, his priority should be your health and safety, even if it means you living under a different roof.

Now, I don’t know this other couple, but the fact that they were willing to house a strange teenager with a troubled family history puts them in a very positive light in my eyes. They didn’t have to do that (most people wouldn’t) but they did. You have the option of going back, where you’d be safe… please prioritize yourself.

That being said, I don’t know the best way of going about it. One commenter mentioned going for a weekend, then a bit more frequently to ease the transition. I like this idea but I worry about your stepmother retaliating somehow… it sounds like anything she can do to make you suffer, she will.

Maybe she’ll impose on your dad to “forbid” you from going over there because she’d rather you be miserable. On the other hand, she may be overjoyed to finally be “rid of you.” I suggest you make a plan… one option is to try the ease-transition route but be prepared to 100% move out at the first sign of things going awry.

Another option is to straight up move out. Talk to your dad first. If he can’t make time for one-on-one time with his kid, then f**k it… leave. You will have your answer. That’s nice he kept you out of the foster system, but don’t mistake him doing the bare minimum as something you need to repay.

You don’t owe him a damn thing. Take care of you first. Sending you lots of mom love <3<3<3 Reach out anytime, I mean it.

Wooster182 −  Ask your dad’s BFF if you still have a place to stay with them. If you do, ask your dad to talk to him privately. Whether that be a walk, or dinner or whatever.
Explain how you feel. Tell him that you understand what he went through and you’re grateful but that the pressure you’re carrying is affecting your physical and mental health and that you need a break.

Your dad’s feelings are not your responsibility. He chose to cheat. He’s living with those consequences now. You are the child. It’s his duty to protect you, not the other way around. If the best thing for you to do is to move out, then that’s what needs to happen.. Take care and good luck.

human_doing_things −  Maybe start with asking to go over for the weekend? Start going over there more. Let it become a normal thing. Then ask him after you’ve put in some time and it feels like a natural transition.

“Hey Dad, you know I’ve been going to so-and-so’s house a lot lately? They have an extra room and offered that i could stay there to give <18 year old his space back.” Make it look like you are doing 18 yr old a favor.

miki_owl −  This sounds like such a tough situation to be in – I am truly so sorry you’re experiencing this 🙁 First, I would try and have a one-on-one talk with your Dad. He needs to be made aware of the situation and your feelings. I would say if he isn’t receptive, then bring up the option of living with your Dad’s best friend for a while.

The space away sounds like it will be incredibly important to you. Do you have friends, or a support network you can reach out to? Anyone at school, counsellor or therapist? I think it would be super useful for you to have a neutral and safe space for you to fully talk about your situation with someone.

Just – please be kind to yourself, and I truly hope your living situation can improve.

[Reddit User] −  I am so sorry and it’s horrible to hear you are going through this. It’s not your fault your dad stepped out on his marriage. I would have a talk with your dad about the living situation and take up his best friend’s offer of staying with them for as long as you can. No one should be subjected to this kind of treatment, especially at home. Best of luck to you 🙏

ConsistentCheesecake −  You don’t owe him anything, ESPECIALLY not gratitude, because he’s letting you be abused. Here’s what I would say, “Dad, can we talk for a few minutes?” And then, “The Smiths have offered to let me stay with them for a while, and I’d like to go. Is that all right?” Just keep it simple.

If he asks why, just say, “I think it would be easier for everyone.” I wouldn’t get into all the reasons because then he’ll just argue things like, “Well, M apologized” (even though that doesn’t bring your photos back, so it doesn’t matter).

PerkyLurkey −  I just read your update, you courageously made an important step for your future. Congratulations! I know it’s very difficult, but from the few examples of welcoming your new guardians offered, I feel you have set yourself up for success. Keep your head on straight, and focus on your studies.

You can have a wonderful future, with many great friends earning your living doing something you love. Remember to not be overly shy around your new “dads” tell them the truth about anything you are going through, so they can help you as quickly as possible no matter the problem.

From what you shared, they are forward thinking and problem solvers. Let them solve your problems while you focus on getting good grades, and living your best teenage life. Don’t grow up too fast. Enjoy these years as a teenager, not as a grown young man.

free33d −  I am so sorry! This is really heart breaking to me. You shouldn’t have to deal with all this. If you don’t feel comfortable asking your dad, you could hint at your dad’s friend to bring up the topic. Especially since they are best friends, I’m sure they talk.