Should I Let My Husband Connect with His Alleged Daughter Before a DNA Test ?

A woman is faced with a complex emotional dilemma when her husband is eager to connect with a 21-year-old woman who may be his daughter, though there’s uncertainty about the biological connection. Meanwhile, she is dealing with the stress of a potential ectopic pregnancy,

and her concerns about the emotional risks of the situation cause tension with her husband. She asks herself whether it’s unreasonable to want him to wait for a DNA test before building a connection, or if she should just step back and let him pursue the possibility. Read the original story below…

‘ Should I Let My Husband Connect with His Alleged Daughter Before a DNA Test ?’

I’m in a tough spot and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or if I’m right to feel the way I do. My husband and I have been together for years, and things have generally been good. But recently, he’s been going through a bit of an emotional rollercoaster because of something that happened a month ago.

He found out that a 21-year-old woman might be his daughter. The mother reached out to him, saying that she’s been carrying this secret for all these years. Apparently, she moved on to a new relationship 20 years ago, and in that time, the child was raised by her current partner.

She never told him about the pregnancy, and now, after all this time, she’s reaching out to him. To say my husband is excited is an understatement. He’s been eager to connect with her, and honestly, I can tell how much he wants this to be true.

He’s always wanted children, and I think this is a big part of why he is so emotionally invested in the situation. But I’m not convinced. The timing feels off to me. There’s a possibility that this woman is not even his daughter.

She could have been conceived when his ex was involved with another man who may have been the real father. I’m not sure, and this whole situation feels like a mess. What’s even harder is that I’ve been dealing with something myself – a possible ectopic pregnancy.

We went to the OB-GYN, and we’re still waiting on more test results to know for sure, but it’s been a stressful time. The last thing I wanted to deal with, emotionally, was this sudden possibility of a long-lost child entering our lives.

I know my husband’s excited, but I also feel like there are a lot of emotional risks involved here. What if he gets attached, only to find out that this woman isn’t his daughter? Or what if she is, but the situation is far more complicated than he’s imagining?

I told my husband that he should wait until they get a DNA test before getting too emotionally attached or investing too much into this. I don’t want him to get hurt, and I don’t want him to set himself up for disappointment.

But of course, this has led to some tension. He thinks I’m being petty, and that I’m trying to ruin this opportunity for him to build a connection with his alleged daughter. I get why he’s upset, but at the same time, I’m just trying to protect him.

I just don’t know if I should keep my mouth shut and let him pursue this without my input, or if I’m right to express my concerns. The timing feels so off, especially with what I’m going through. And I feel like I’m being a bit of a wet blanket, but I also don’t want him to get his hopes up for something that might not even be true.

Should I just stay out of it and let him do what he thinks is best, or am I justified in wanting him to wait for more concrete proof before he starts getting attached to this potential daughter?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Mobile_Prune_3207 −  I mean, getting DNA tested before starting to bond is smart, yes I’ll agree with you there, but there are many reasons why people don’t force child support on a person. That itself isn’t a cause of concern. 

ForwardPlenty −  NTA. It is not a bad idea to get a DNA test. But, since he reached out to her, it would seem like that didn’t matter to him, it is not like she came to him looking for a handout. I would bide my tongue for the time being, and see where this relationship leads.

Family is really what we make it, so it is always nice to have some more family, and if it doesn’t work out, then you don’t even have to say, “I told you so.”

Robinnoodle −  NAH (unless alleged baby mama knowingly lied) Info: How long has he known that he *could* be the father

Unrelated_gringo −  INFO: Where/how has he known that this person “is” his daughter with the end of your paragraph?

Luck0rSkill −  NAH. Having been the child in that situation it’s a very hard and stressful time. My mother never revealed my dad’s identity to me, but i found it through DNA services. She claimed it was someone else when i confronted her.

Someone she never would’ve been able to collect child support from. She’s also a psychopath and enjoyed having complete control over me growing up with no backlash from any additional parties. If it is his daughter, she may be a victim of abuse.

Your husband’s NTA for being curious about a potential child, and you’re NTA for wanting confirmation first. Irregardless lean on each other best you can, and don’t hold resentment on the potential daughter. She’s very much a victim in this situation.

No_Percentage_5083 −  Here’s my very best advice: Don’t get between a parent and their child (or suspected child). Just don’t. You will never be the “winner”. He may do as you ask, but will grow resentful of you. He may get very hurt — but life is messy. Let him do whatever it is he feels he needs to and remain supportive of him.

OnlyThePhantomKnows −  Speak your mind. If he really wants a child, adopt a 8-13 year old. Get them out of the system. No mention of ages, I assume you all are \~40 by the time deltas. If you both want kids, you can adopt. Connecting with a random 21 year old smells bad. However it happens.

I met my real father for the first time at age 28. Mom and he divorced when I was 18 months old. I needed nothing from my father. I was educated and successful. I did it to help my sisters (both a lot older) by closing what they felt was a gap in my life.

DNA test will solve part of my concerns. My uncle had a similar situation, got drunk at a bar, got a woman pregnant, short (\~3 year) marriage, divorce and then nothing until the kid came back at around 20. Turns out she was sniffing for money. This is before DNA tests so “father” was an opinion.

Born-Employment-4906 −  NTA. Is your husband incredibly wealthy? Otherwise I don’t see why she’d bother coming after him for his money. Perhaps you’re worried he would want to support her financially and that money would no longer go to you.  

My father was never in my life, but knew I existed. He never paid child support and I’ve probably gotten less than 1000$ of anything from him my whole life. Still his wife seems jealous and is a stay at home mom, so she never let him contribute much.

I can’t blame it all on her though he’s a stingy guy in general. It’s a pretty big reason I never wanted a relationship with him.  He might not be pursing this because he desperately wants a child though. He probably knows he had unprotected s** with this woman 21 years ago and that it could be his daughter. 

newchance42 −  NTA. Here’s a fun fact. Roughly 50% of men that take a DNA learn that they are not the father. Paternity fraud is a pretty serious problem in US and most of Europe.

Since there are no laws that protect men, there is no real penalty to knowing identifythe wrong man as the father. I’d recommend anyone that has even the slightest doubt that the child isn’t yours to have a test done.