Should I end my “no contact” with my dad?

A Reddit user shares the emotional turmoil of being no-contact with her father since 2020. After years of emotional neglect and manipulation, including incidents of gaslighting and narcissistic behavior, she’s now questioning whether to break her silence following the recent passing of her grandma.

With her mother and grandma gone, she feels the weight of potentially reconciling with her only living parent. Read the story below to hear her full experience and dilemma.

‘ Should I end my “no contact” with my dad?’

I (34F) have been no-contact with my dad since 2020. After a meltdown over a phone call, I started seeing a therapist who suggested I try some months no contact to see how I feel and I have not felt like talking with him since. Why I’m wondering if I should forgive and forget now is due to the recent passing of my grandma.

But before I address that, I want to give some backstory. My friends and husband say I don’t need to talk with him, but I’m not sure if they are just taking my side as my support. My mom was always the rock of the family as moms are.

We did big holidays with her side of the family, she came to all my events (even if my dad couldn’t) and life was normal until my mom suffered a devastating incident that left her disabled and having to relearn motor skills when I was in middle school. My dad supported us while my mom had to go on disability.

My dad didn’t hang out with me much with his work schedule, but did have time for my brother (36M). My mom and I were close. My dad failed to pay bills. We sometimes went without electricity for weeks at a time, sometimes months. I worked and went to school full time, and bought groceries.

I thought my dad just was genuinely struggling. When I moved for college, he dropped the bombshell on my mom that he had been seeing another woman he “met at church” and had been more of less double lifing until me and my brother moved out, leaving my mom alone.

He drained their bank account, and told my mom the reason for divorce was me not cleaning the house?? My dad and I had a large fight because he then backpedaled and said it was due to anxiety he had to leave.

I (having been actually diagnosed with an anxiety disorder) told him that wasnt and excuse to do what he did, and he said “What do you have to even be anxious about?” After more hurdles, when I got engaged he offered to pay for my wedding out of the blue. My fiance and I were like hey, maybe he’s trying to be an actual dad here.

We did get everything set up nice, and we patched things up enough to talk as my mom would still talk with him occasionally. My mom ended up having to move in with my grandma as she couldn’t afford the house payment on disability, and my dad had stopped paying it without telling her.

My mom continued to battle illnesses and struggled to get medication. She ended up having an amputation among other things. The crux argument happened when my fiances family offered an old car to my mom free of charge. My dad said he would move it to the nearby shop to get worked on.

My mom talked with him about the car. He and I had multiple conversations about my MOMS now car. Then one day he calls and says I lied to him. He says he thought he was helping me, not my mom. I explained I was sorry if it wasn’t clear, but we had actively talked about it being for my mom.

He again accused me of lying to him and using him and taking him for granted and he hung up on me and I burst into tears. I realized there had been MULTIPLE instances where he would do this. He would accuse me of lying, or not being grateful enough, not saying thank you when I was sure I had.

This is when I had an epiphany and started therapy. During this, while I was starting no contact, my dad threatened to cancel my car insurance. I had had the same insurance since I was 16 and I had been asking him for YEARS to just put it in my name completely, but he refused saying he paid my brother’s too.

Once I had asked my mom if she had life insurance after my fiances grandmother passed and I watched them struggle with her funeral costs. My dad called to tell my mom he was disappointed I had asked and that I didn’t need an inheritance, then called me to shame me and I explained it wasnt anything like that.

Multiple events like this. Then, after I had officially been no contact for months, he called and left a voicemail telling me I was a failure of a daughter and it wasnt his problem I wouldnt talk to him. He had his new wife call and tell me he was in tears over it. After I finally blocked them all on social media, he left me alone.

Then my mom got sick and passed two years ago. He tried to call and I ignored it. He and my brother still talk, so I knew he was in the loop. Recently my grandma on my mom’s side passed. Apparently the pastor asked my dad about some details since my dad still lives in our hometown.

He called me drunk and left me a voicemail about me not having the guts to call him back, about how this was my problem not his, but I needed to call the pastor. He then started spam texting me about how I was robbed from him and how he had loved and cared for me, about how I didn’t thank him one father’s day.

Then he messaged he was sorry for being him and he loved me, and he expected me at his funeral. As I was already in a bad headspace with my grandma passing, I was about to have a breakdown over this whole scenario. With my mom and grandma gone, I feel like my connection to my home and my family is gone now.

Our house is gone, my grandma’s house had been sold when she moved to live with my aunt. But I don’t know if people move past no contact with aging parents? TL;DR My dad has a narcissistic tendencies and is a gaslighter according to my friends, but should I agree to speak with him as he is my only living parent?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

3ld3nac −  Umm… NO you should not. He will simply resume his pattern of verbal and emotional abuse if you reopen communication with him.

Helpful-Wear3570 −  You will be able to get great advice from the subreddit raisedbynarcissist. And you should not end your no contact. It’s unfortunate but it does sound like you have lost all of your family.

Listen to your husband and your friends they are your family. They have your best interest at heart your donor does not. I know it’s hard but stay strong and don’t give into his abuse and narcissistic ways.

fiery_valkyrie −  Honestly, I think you should go even more no contact. Block him on your phone. He only ever contacts you to abuse you some more and you’re not required to listen to that.

Skoolies1976 −  I don’t think anyone can answer that for you, but what do you hope to gain, in reality? it seems like he has no problem g**lighting you and has contributed to many of your issues that plague you for your whole life.

I’ll be honest i feel for you because i am NC with my mom and it’s made my life infinitely better. I couldn’t take the anxiety, drama and narcissistic rants, i am a wife and mother and needed to be there for my kids. it’s been years and although i still see her sometimes at family things we stay away from each other and it’s for the best.

I am able to want good things for her without malice. I just ask myself what is realistic here- my mom has foggy cognition due to drinking so i choose what’s best for me- she’s not going to magically be someone different. I assume you know basically how any reunion would go. start there.

tb0904 −  You need to FULLY cut him out of your life. He shouldn’t be able to text or leave voicemails because he shouldn’t have your number. He is still manipulating you with every single contact.

mikush85 −  No, let him die on his soap box. He sounds mentally unstable and psychotic. You have no obligation to him whatsoever.

spidaminida −  His treatment of you is abysmal, I’m so sorry but that is who he is until he can get this massive chip off his shoulder. He’s stuck in a pantomime performance where you have been cast as the ungrateful and wayward daughter.

I don’t think you will be able to dissuade him of this interpretation of you as a person and he might do a lot more damage to you and your self-worth if you try to be in his life. Try and make peace with avoiding contact with him if you can. He’s not going to help in this already trying time.

Clean_Hold6781 −  He’ll no stay away from him he basically blames you for everything he has done wrong in life, he’s not a decent dad.

ShelfLifeInc −  should I agree to speak with him as he is my only living parent? Why? What does he have to offer you? More misery.
I cut off contact with my father in 2017. Apart from seeing (and hugging) him at a family funeral, we’ve had no contact since.

I’ve always promised myself, “I’d get back in touch with him when I feel ready.” That day hasn’t come yet, and I’ve accepted that it might not ever come.

Better to surround yourself with people who love you than to try to cling to this concept of “family”. This man might be your father, but it sounds like he’s failed you at every turn. You don’t need to invite that back into your life.

decaturbob −  – what do you have to lose?

Do you think it’s possible to rebuild a relationship with a parent who has consistently caused emotional harm, especially when they are the only living parent left? How would you approach this difficult decision? Share your thoughts in the comments below!