Partner may want to break up because he changed his mind about biological kids
A Reddit user shared the heartbreak of their partner reconsidering their relationship after expressing a desire for biological children, despite initially agreeing to alternative family-building methods.
Faced with feelings of betrayal and inadequacy, they seek guidance on navigating this unexpected challenge. Read the full story below for a deeper understanding of their emotional journey.
‘ Partner may want to break up because he changed his mind about biological kids’
I (27F) live with my partner of 1.5 years (31M) in a house with our 2 cats. This week, my partner suggested we may need to break up because he is starting to think he wants biological kids that are carried and birthed by his partner.
I have never been able to safely carry a baby (due to chronic illness/medications dangerous to fetuses) and this was established at the beginning of our relationship. We planned to adopt kids or use surrogacy to build our family. I feel so betrayed by my partner’s news.
He said he might want to see if he could find someone else and have a baby with them. But my thought is, what if this hypothetical partner finds out they can’t carry a baby either? I’m having a very difficult time coming to terms with the idea that my body’s inability to safely carry a child could end what has been a happy and committed relationship.
My partner and I love each other, and I want the relationship to continue, but I can’t help but feel reduced to a “broken incubator.” Any advice on how to navigate this difficult situation would be much appreciated.
See what others had to share with OP:
Dear_Parsnip_6802 − He wants to break up so he’s using the one thing you can’t change as an excuse. He is cruel for using your inability to carry a child against you. Hechas reduced your value to him to that of an incubator for his future children. This man is not your person.
stuckinnowhereville − Break up. He’s not the guy for you. Yes it sucks. Yes it hurts. Set him free and do it now.
Majesticogopogo − Please don’t waste your time on the hypothetical what ifs of his life. He’s choosing a hypothetical over you. You deserve to be loved as you are, and wanted as you are, and he’s showing you that he’s not enough for you.
Ending this relationship will be painful and complicated I’m sure, but in the end do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t value you as the love of their life and only as a means to reproduce?
ThrowawayTink2 − Hi there, I am not leaving this comment to be deliberately hurtful, just to share my own experience. My ex changed his mind about biological kids with me at about 31 as well, but he didn’t tell me that, he just kept kicking the can down the road.
(he went from wanting 2-3 to not wanting any) What your partner is doing now, by being honest with you, is far better than what my ex did, even if it is hurtful. You two can communicate honestly about where to go from here.
At about 31, my desire for biological kids went into overdrive, and I couldn’t understand why he kept stalling. There is something about the early 30’s..like…’if this is what I want for my life, I need to get going on it’.
We stayed together more than 10 more years. But they were *miserable* years. Once you are not on the same page about children, there is no compromise or middle ground, if either or both parties feel strongly about what they want/don’t want. Our relationship was over and I didn’t realize it.
If I could have a do-over, knowing what I know now, and go back? I would 1000% leave him for the chance for biological kids. And I loved him SO much. I just wanted to be a Mom more. I am so sorry you are both going through this. Best wishes.
EmykoEmyko − Sounds like he’s taking a c**ard’s approach to breaking up with you IMO. The issue isn’t the issue, just an inarguable preference that tries to reframe you as the reason for this breakup.
grayblue_grrl − Tell him that’s okay.. And find a new place to live. He doesn’t get to drop this on you and expect you to hang around waiting until HE decides one way or another. That’s nothing but pain and tears for you.. Unimaginably cruel.
RiverSong_777 − What do you mean he *may want to*? Are you planning to wait and see if/when he finds a replacement incubator?
backseat_adventurer − I’m childfree by choice, which is a bit different from your situation, but I’ve had relationships fail because my partner has changed their mind. There are a lot of replies here trying to decide if his change of opinion is valid or reasonable. My best advice is to not go there.
Take him at his word and adjust your life accordingly. The desire to have kids, natural or otherwise, is not often a logical desire. Trying to pull it apart and reason it out, it will just end in tears. Sometimes people just want what they want.
Instead, focus on what is certain. A ‘yes’ is not compatible with a ‘cannot’ or even a ‘no’. I understand that it’s hard to see it that way when he’s tried to couch the whole thing in terms of a ‘maybe’ and you love him. Of course you’re going to hope things will get back to the way they were.
Don’t let this blind you to what he is *really* saying. He has been clear that he wants natural born children. You both know that can’t be you. This ‘maybe’ business he’s going on about is only just the timing of the breakup. He knows he wants ‘natural’ kids. He just doesn’t know when to pull the trigger.
I’m sure he also knows how inevitably hurtful this desire is to you and he probably doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Likely he’s mourning the end of the relationship too. Sadly, it’s unavoidable that you break up. There is no compromise here.
Don’t linger on playing the role of consolation prize until he finds the appropriate vessel for his future children. Resentment will build quickly, even with the best of intentions on both sides. You are worth more than lingering on in l**bo.
Get your finances and living situation in order and pull the plug. I promise you there are partners out there that will be happy to be childfree or to be a parent through surrogacy or adoption.
ColdFIREBaker − I don’t think he’s being honest with you. Wanting a partner who can carry your baby is such an oddly specific desire that it seems like an excuse. Maybe he wants to break up for another reason, maybe he wants to break up because of your illness and is too much of a c**ard to tell you the truth.
I know some people feel strongly about having children that are genetically theirs, but you already discussed surrogacy and he was okay with it. I find it hard to believe the actual reason he’s breaking up with you is because you can’t carry the baby yourself.
Kragg_hack − Humans are allowed to change what they want and need. And unfortunately he have changed his mind about kids.
This might be a c**ard way of breaking up, or it’s for real. No matter what, he have probably made up his mind and it’s little you can do about it sadly.
Do you think the Reddit user’s partner’s change of heart is an understandable shift in priorities or an unfair betrayal of their initial agreement? How would you handle a situation where core values in a relationship suddenly conflict? Share your thoughts below!