Our rock solid relationship imploded in a single night and I’m completely blindsided

A Reddit user (26F) describes a shockingly painful moment where her five-year relationship with her boyfriend (25M) seemed to implode after a casual mention of marriage. Despite years of mutual love and understanding,

the boyfriend confesses that he may never want to get married after a panic triggered by spending time with an engaged couple. The user is left devastated, struggling to understand whether her desire to discuss marriage pressured him or if something else is at play. Read the original story below:

‘ Our rock solid relationship imploded in a single night and I’m completely blindsided’

My partner (25m) is my (26f) rock and I’m his. Literally he tells me that all the time including yesterday. We’ve been together for five years and have a truly wonderful relationship. Always talking, laughing, comfortable with one another. Able to communicate even when we disagree.

After I survived abuse as a child and struggled with unhealthy romantic relationships in the past, the fact that we love each other in a respectful, secure and profoundly healthy way is truly my biggest blessing and I wake up every day so happy and grateful for him. He is an incredible man with so much drive, intelligence, kindness, and gifts to give the world.

About a year and a half ago it came up for the first time that we saw ourselves getting married one day. It was such a beautiful moment and it rocked my world to have been vulnerable, said those words, and have him say them too. Since then it’s been something incredibly happy that I get to hold in my heart and look forward to.

The subject has come up sporadically since then but I haven’t wanted to push it too far since we are young and it is very much an “eventually” thing. Both of our parents are divorced and his come from money. He got a lot of strong advice growing up not to marry young and to protect his assets, to see it from a more financial view than I ever have thought of it.

Nevertheless the thought makes me happy and we often daydream about the future we’ll build together: the little house in New Hampshire we hope to buy and the dogs and chickens we’ll have. These are conversations he participates in and brings up on his own all the time.

I want to be able to talk casually about the marriage aspect, too – go to bed with a sleepy “can’t wait to marry you” or “love of my life” – but for some reason recently whenever the subject has come up he’s clammed up and made it feel really serious.

This culminated maybe two months ago with a really weird conversation in which I sensed he might not have processed what marriage really means to him in the way that I had, and that he wasn’t ready to be talking about this in the way that I was or as much as he had let on.

I told him I don’t want to put a gun to his head, this is just something that makes me happy to think about and talk about, and I tell him everything. I said I love him for him; I’d wait as long as he needs; but that I firmly didn’t want to bring up the subject again until he was comfortable discussing it. I wanted to relieve the pressure on him, and I haven’t mentioned it since.

Well, yesterday we spent a really lovely day getting lunch and hiking with my family. They live far away so we don’t see them very often. My stepsister and her fiancé were there as well, and of course there was a little bit of light conversation about their upcoming wedding. My bf was his usual friendly, easygoing self.

I noticed he seemed quiet on the way home and later that evening so I asked if he was worried about work but he just said he was tired from a long day traveling. I made him a drink, kissed him on the forehead like I always do and promised we could do whatever he wanted to relax that night. Just did what I normally do when I can tell he’s stressed, try to show empathy and take care of him.

But then as I’m making dinner he comes over to me and drops this bomb. He came over to me crying and said spending time with an engaged couple and even barely talking about their wedding had sent him into a panic and he didn’t know if he could ever see himself getting married. I was completely blindsided. I tried to parse what he was saying but it was like my brain was stuck.

Evidently he had been locking himself in his office at work all week crying about this. I kept asking him why he would say he wanted to marry me if he didn’t. He said he was lying, basically. That he wanted to give me what he knew I wanted to make me happy. I could only just stare at him open mouthed.

I kept trying to pinpoint if he was saying to me, “I don’t think I’ll be ready to get married for a long time” or “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to get married” and I really don’t think he knows himself. I don’t think he has processed marriage at all and this is the first time it’s hitting him.

He kept saying stuff about not knowing where his career will lead or if he’ll have money (he has a great job, an outstanding network, and is definitely not poor. Neither of us are) and I was just like. We’re a partnership. You wanted to be with me yesterday, you want to be with me today, do you want to be with me tomorrow? Yes, he said.

I said well that’s all what matters, we have a life we love and we’ll take on the future together one day. I’m devastated. He left for his stepmother’s house and I don’t know when he’ll be home. I can not take another sleeping pill or my heart will stop but I can’t sleep a wink. I literally spiked a 100 degree fever and spent all night sweating and freezing.

I had no idea it was possible to be in so much pain it makes you physically sick. This person is the bedrock of my life. We have ALWAYS had rock solid confidence that we can trust each other, be vulnerable around each other, and be our full authentic selves without inhibition or fear of judgment We share everything together and we are best friends.

He even said that over and over as he sobbed and told me he loved me and that he didn’t want to get married. Hours ago I had the most beautiful and solid relationship in the world. Now I don’t know if we’re going to break up. I’m reeling. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back by my safe space.

The earth fell out from under me and I don’t even know what to think any more. What do I even do or say to save this? Was I too strong in voicing my desire to get married that I scared him off? Has anyone else gone through something similar?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

ashalottagreyjoy −  A lot of commenters are drawing really firm lines in the sand here, but I think this is really a question you have to ask yourself, OP. I agree with something someone else said: there’s an outsized response with your boyfriend with regards to marriage and maybe now that he’s not so terrified to tell you his feelings about getting married himself,

he may be able to express his thoughts regarding marriage to you soon. If you’ve always communicated and have always been able to talk, that hasn’t changed. This talk just hurts more. I think you owe it to yourself and your relationship to figure out the *why*. You also owe it to yourself to decide if this is a dealbreaker, no matter what his reasoning.. There are two questions here:

Why does your boyfriend have such fear of getting married? If he’s unable or unwilling to get over those fears, are you okay with never marrying him? Even the best relationships with the best communication need help sometimes, OP. It may be worth considering finding a good relationship counselor and having them mediate this talk. It’s going to be tough.

mioelnir −  We have ALWAYS had rock solid confidence that we can trust each other, be vulnerable around each other, and be our full authentic selves without inhibition or fear of judgment. I mean, you still do? There is not much more open, emotionally honest and vulnerable than what your BF just showed and shared with you.

The question I ask myself reading this story – why does your BF react like getting married is him agreeing to 50 cane slashes on the bare feet every two weeks? What he displays is not a rational response, outside of being threatened to re-live torture. There are discussions to be had around marriage, yes.

It’s first and foremost a legal contract, what are the obligations we subject ourselves to. What are legal defaults, what are options that are available. Which do we need, how is money handled, both are equally working etc. But this is not it. “Threatening” marriage should not trigger this. Whatever that is. Your BF is obviously mentally hurt and unwell.

guntonom −  So he doesn’t want to get married, but you mentioned that he has divorced parents and a traumatized childhood. You also said that he sounded like a scared kid when he was telling you this. This behavior sounds like it’s a trauma response to stress and not an actual issue with you or the relationship.

His fear of marriage is probably directly related with feelings/behaviors he developed as a “self defense” mode when he was a kid watching f his parents fight/divorce. (a lot of people who go to therapy find that their unwanted behaviors actually started when they were kids). It sounds like he needs to do some counseling/therapy to deal with those deep issues. Be supportive and encouraging and see if he is willing to go see a councilor.

UndeadWarlock2022 −  One of my exes said to me after maybe 6 months to a year in, drunk… “I can’t wait to marry you”. And that was it for me, the seed was sown. I too suffered from childhood abuse and I don’t really think he entirely understood the gravity of him saying that to me flippantly. He came from a family of money and divorce, I did not. It was never about the money for me.

After a year or two I brought up the conversation of marriage and got the “maybe, but not yet”. Then I would get “no, I don’t believe in marriage” 4, 5, 6, 7 years passed. Every Christmas, birthday, anniversary and NYE I would hope and pray for that ring. I got plenty of “shut up” rings in the course of our relationship. He never really delved into why he was so apposed to marriage.

I even mentioned I was happy to sign any prenup to protect his assets. He just never did, and it crushed me, because I saw it as a reflection on me and him not wanting to commit to me. My new partner and I have been together for just over a year and he talks about marriage often, we’ve even got a playlist ready,

he tells me about dreams he has and plans for our future but I am terrified he will turn around one day and say he’s changed his mind. But I am not pressing or pushing for it. If it does happen I want it to come naturally. What you’ve got to ask yourself is, is this a deal breaker? If it is, then it maybe worth you thinking about what to do long term.

If you spend the rest of your life just being this man’s girlfriend, would you be happy? You also need to discuss together, without blame or accusation why he feels the way he does and why he changed his mind. (to me it’s outside influence scaring him into thinking he may lose everything in the event of a divorce)

I’d do this via couples counselling because there is two aspects of your relationship here that you both need to work through. Your fear of r**ection and abandonment (I feel you) and his fear or commitment. If you work through it with a professional you may both come to the conclusion that you’re happy and secure just loving each other and living each day as it comes,

and he’s happy to trust that one day, when he feels ready he can commit without fear. Both are deep rooted issues that can’t be resolved sat crying on each other as you both have very opposing views at the moment.

[Reddit User] −  This sounds like a trauma response from his parent’s divorce.

LeBronzeFlamez −  I would assume he was not directly lying to you about his intentions, but things Get very real really quick at some point. I would not throw away five years over one episode. It could be other stuff bothering him that he has not shared yet. Obviously he has not been honest about his feelings, but that doesnt mean it is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

It sounds like he had like a panic attack, so I would take all of the things he said with a grain of salt. It could very well be that it is over, but if it is not it is up to you to be strong now. Wether you like it or not the ball is in your court. If you are strong enough you could text him that you hope he is doing okay and that he can reach out when he is ready.

In the meanwhile you can think for yourself what you could live with. Your idea of marriage is maybe not the same as his, prenup and separate finances for instance. Your idea of a timeline is for sure not the same as his. But could you live with marriage down the line, or potentially no marriage at all.

[Reddit User] −  Breathe, OP. As a married woman whose husband took more time to get to that conversation, here’s my stance (which you may not like): you’re both overreacting to the idea of marriage (and to not getting married), which tells me neither of you are ready to take action. Which is OK!

But please remember: feelings are not facts. Your world is not ending, your relationship is not a disaster, and this is actually a wonderful (albeit difficult) conversation you’re having. Those conversations are what will show you if you can make a marriage with this person.

Your boyfriend sounds like he’s realizing that a breezy “yes, I’d love to marry you” does not itself make a marriage. That’s a wonderful realization! I know some couples who are realizing that now (having been married for a few years) and who are, consequently, on their way to divorce.

My advice for you: set boundaries around what you want. Are you OK being with a partner who, as of today, is unsure on marriage? Are you wanting to be engaged (action, not conversation) within a certain timeframe? There’s no “right” response to this, OP, just the response that is right for you.

Errorhappy1939 −  Do NOT make any big decisions right away. While you’re both emotionally fragile us not the time to make any life altering decisions. Instead I would give both of you time to breathe and then ask him to tell you more. Not like demanding he “justify” himself but more asking him to help you understand.

He’s got to be able to say more about why he’s so scared of marriage, what does he think marriage is? What does it mean to him? What is he so afraid is going to happen? Have the two of you ever talked in depth about what marriage actually means to you from the emotional commitment pov, or even how you would bring assets to the marriage?

I don’t think it’s actually a huge surprise he has these reservations given you said he’s gotten lots if “strong advice” about protecting his assets, which could have made him develop negative associations with marriage around things like fear of loss of control, or being taken advantage of, exacerbated by childhood abuse. Just take a moment. Stop any assumptions you might be making right now.

You’re now on a fact finding mission together. You’re working on this together searching for clarity. It may turn out he actually doesn’t want to get married and you do have to break up eventually. But don’t make that decision immediately while a) you’re both emotionally all over the place and b) you haven’t really explored all the information or understood the root of the feelings at play.

narcoed −  Hi OP, I’m sorry you are in this situation. I’m sure it hurts a lot. First off, I don’t think your relationship needs to end over this one fight but I do think there are two questions you are your boyfriend need to discuss. The first question is: is he against marriage or is he unsure of marrying you? Your boyfriend might not believe in marriage or maybe he is just uncomfortable with the legalities of it.

If he loves you and talks about a future with you, then what does that actually look like? Does he want to have kids with you? Does he was to buy a house with you? Does he want to grow old with you? He should have a pretty good idea of these things five years into a relationship.

If he’s unsure about those things (aside from marriage) then he’s probably not sure if you are the one, and that is a different conversation. If he does see all those things happening with you, then you need to ask yourself if you can commit to him without marriage.

Do you see yourself growing old with someone without being married? Is marriage a deal breaker for you? If you are concerned with this question, it might be best if y’all seek out a couples therapist. I wish I could give you the magical answer to things OP. I hope things work out and you end up in a happy place for yourself.

martinPravda −  Please go to couples therapy before making a hard decision either way. I would hate to see a loving relationship get destroyed on a technicality or misunderstanding.

Relationships can often feel like stable ground, but sometimes, even the strongest foundations are shaken by unexpected fears and realizations. In this case, the user is left wondering if she unknowingly pressured her partner or if deeper unresolved feelings are causing his panic. How can she navigate this emotional storm, and what steps can she take to rebuild trust and understanding in their relationship? Share your thoughts below.