Nightmare Situation: Me(35F) with Partner(40M), my son and his nephew (15Ms)

A woman (35F) finds herself in a complex and emotionally charged situation with her partner (40M), her son, and his nephew (both 15M). After four years together, her partner’s preference for her son over his nephew, coupled with his increasingly harsh treatment of the nephew, has fractured their relationship.

She now wants to end things, but fears doing so would leave the nephew, who has no other guardians, in a vulnerable position. Navigating her desire to protect the boy while also escaping a toxic relationship has left her seeking the best way forward.

‘ Nightmare Situation: Me(35F) with Partner(40M), my son and his nephew (15Ms)’

Four years ago I met Bob (40M). Bob had recently become the guardian of his nephew Ben after the d**th of Ben’s parents in a car accident. Ben is the same age as my son Jason, 11 at the time, now 15.  At first it seemed perfect. I was over the moon at finding a man who was not put off by the prospect of taking on a soon-to-be teenage stepson (Jason’s father is not in the picture),

and in spite of being very different personalities, the boys got along from the beginning, so Bob and Ben moved into my house within less than a year. Ben was always a quieter, more creative kid where Jason is more athletic and boisterous,

and from the start I got the sense that Bob ‘understood’ Jason’s way of being more than he did Ben’s. At first he would take them both to sports games, but Ben obviously had no interest and so pretty soon he just took Jason.

At the time it seemed like a natural choice – Ben was bored at the games and Jason honestly reveled in having all Bob’s attention – but after that things started unraveling. As they grew older the difference in the boys became more obvious (their choices of clothing, hairstyle, friends, music, hobbies, etc.),

and so did Bob’s preference. He started making little comments comparing them and encouraging Ben to be more like Jason. At first it seemed like he was trying to be helpful, thinking that Jason’s way of being was healthier (he’s more outgoing, has a more active social life, etc) because that’s what he remembered from his own experience,

but after a while there was clear snideness there which it was impossible not to hear. My son has always had a strong protective streak/sense of fairness, and in spite of their differences and the late age they were introduced, he and Ben are very close, so Jason’s reaction to Bob’s remarks favouring him was to take Ben’s side.

He stopped going to games with Bob and generally liking him, and for a while became openly hostile on Ben’s behalf. That stopped once he and Bob had a major argument. Jason backed down at that point because, he told me, he realised that if he kept making himself unpleasant,

Bob and I might break up, in which case Ben would have to leave too. Since then, with a few exceptions, he has been coldly civil. Meanwhile, Bob has come to believe Ben is gay based on what I consider spurious evidence (not that it matters to me whether he is or not).

He wanted to send him to a military type reform school, and when I vetoed that, his behaviour towards Ben has escalated to a subtle kind of downright nastiness. Needless to say, all of the above strained Bob’s and my relationship to breaking point and then broke it.

Seeing his ongoing behaviour towards a child who needs him I can no longer look at him with anything but disgust. The thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl and I desperately want him out of my house (we’re not married and it’s still in my sole name, thank God), but now I have the same problem Jason was worried about:

If I end the relationship and kick Bob out, Ben will have to go to, since legally I have no tie to him whatever. He’s fifteen now and although he has borne everything by stoically ignoring Bob, I can’t in good conscious let that man be solely responsible for him (for what it’s worth,

I have always tried to stick up for him and get Bob to see that there are many types of boy in the world and all of them are equally okay). Not to mention, I don’t think Jason would ever forgive me if I did. I would happily take guardianship of Ben if I could,

even if Bob made no financial contribution at all we could manage if we cut back on luxuries. My concern is that I am far from sure Bob would agree. However he personally feels about Ben, Ben is still his flesh and blood and Bob feels strongly about that (to be honest I think it’s part of the reason he resents Ben so much – Ben is ‘the last of the line’ and not turning out how Bob thinks his family should be represented).

If I were to start a conversation along those lines and Bob refused to allow Ben to stay, it would be incredibly difficult to roll back. The idea of having to continue to play his supportive wife to stop him leaving of his own accord for another two and a half years (till Ben turns 18) sounds like a nightmare, but the alternative is worse. What is the best way to manage and get through this?

See what others had to share with OP:

Gonebabythoughts −  Have you talked to Ben about how he feels about Bob? What sort of rapport do you two have? If you haven’t, I think you should sit down with him and tell him that, no matter where he came from or what his preferences are, you love him and you want to support him.

Let him know that you are upset with how Bob treats him, and that you want to make sure he is ok. Tell him you want to be a positive part of his life, and that you need his help in understanding what this looks like.

If it takes more than one conversation to build this rapport, keep trying. Then, when you feel confident you know what he needs, reach out to an attorney and ask what your options might be for emancipation of Ben from Bob.

HotspurJr −  So you’ve gotten good advice here.. Just to reiterate: Talk to Ben. Tell him that he always has a home with you, and that you’re not going to do anything which will make his home situation unstable. Tell him you love him and appreciate him for who he is, and that you know things are fraught.

(I know you don’t particularly think Ben is gay – but I think you should talk to him in a way that makes clear that you don’t care, without saying as much.) Talk to a lawyer. Find out how, if you kick Bob out, Ben can stay. How old does he have to be to make that choice? You want to avoid a legal fight, but it’s good to know what the law is.

Talk to your son. Tell him you appreciate him standing up for Ben to Bob. Tell him that you agree that Bob is behaving unacceptably. Tell him that you’re trying to figure out a way to keep Ben safe from Bob, and that you will never take Bob’s side over him and Ben.

Tell him you recognize that the current situation with Bob is unhealthy for everyone, and that you’re actively trying to figure out a way to resolve it while protecting Ben. Don’t tell Bob any of this.

Have all these conversations quietly until you’re ready to take action because you’ve had the discussion with a lawyer. Furthermore, once you’re ready to take action, talk to Ben and Jason BEFORE you tell Bob.

Fuj023 −  Try to find out how Ben can become emancipated. He will likely be granted this if he can present evidence that living with Bob is detrimental and that he is mature and of sound mind. The fact that he would be living with you and his “brother” would also likely be a huge benefit. Edit: I just found out he has to be 16 but by the time Bob is out of the picture completely it will probably be at least 6 months.

Fear_is_like_fire −  I wish I had a good answer for you because I can’t imagine how awful you must be feeling. I think you might be best off consulting a lawyer? After 4 years I doubt you can try to fight for guardianship, but maybe with your help Ben could get emancipated?

Because I don’t think staying together with Bob for Ben’s sake is feasible, it sounds like it would destroy you. Maybe letting Ben know he could always call you for help and is welcome to move in when he’s 18 would help him get through the next couple years?

If Bob got actually a**sive left to his own devices then Ben could escape sooner. Poor kid, he’s lucky to have you and Jason in his life at least.

[Reddit User] −  I would sit down with the boys and think of a game plan for the 3 of you. What is the age of emancipation in your state? That may be an option, and you would only have to stick it out with Bob maybe another year?

TheHatOnTheCat −  Talk to Bob and let him know you want to legally adopt Ben. Probably wise not to mention it’s as break-up custody insurance. Just say that you’ve really come to see him as family, and both boys as your sons, and you want to make it official. If Bob agrees, you’ll have some play for custody.

Also, you aren’t morally obligated to be in a s**ual relationship with someone who you dislike to stay in Ben’s life. That’s not a fair requirement. I know you are worried the boys will hate or be mad at you, including your son Jason. But I’d talk to Jason honestly one on one if/when you do break up with Bob.

Tell him that you love Ben and want to look out for him and stay in his life as much as you can, and you’ve been staying in the relationship for a while for that reason, but you’ve reached the point where you just can’t keep being with a man who you don’t see as a good person.

I would hope that Jason, who you say is naturally protective, will understand and be protective of you his own mother if you show him your feelings/good intentions, rather then condemn you for not prostituting yourself. I very much doubt your son would expect that of you. None of us expect that of you.

As for Ben, if you break up and Bob won’t let you have any custody, talk to Ben about it. Tell him you love him, you see him as a son, and the way Bob treats him is wrong (and why you don’t respect Bob?). Tell Ben that he has done nothing wrong,

and you very much want to stay a part of his life, and you will try to as much as Bob allows, but current situation is \[blah\]. You’ll be talking to a lawyer. And that if nothing else Ben should know that he’s always welcome to move back in the minute he turns eighteen.

stink3rbelle −  Have you asked Bob about you adopting Ben? Surely if you two were contemplating marriage you discussed it at some point?
What about emancipating Ben? Honestly, I feel like from what you’ve said Bob would not be super upset about letting Ben live with you until he’s 18, when you and Bob break up.

scatterling1982 −  You’ve received some good advice OP so I just wanted to say how lovely it is that Ben has you and your son. Thanks for caring for him I’m sure it will have a lifelong impact on him. I hope that you manage to have Ben live with you long term without bob using the advice given here, definitely sounds like you need family law advice. All the best, please share an update in time?

[Reddit User] −  You need to go and see a lawyer for this. It is likely that a court would let Ben stay with you because Ben is old enough to speak for himself in court and say that is what he wants.