My(30M) GF(32F) of 6 months has changed her behaviour recently and I want to leave

A Reddit user is experiencing tension with their girlfriend, who has recently been pressuring them to change aspects of their life, particularly their style of clothing and work choices. While the user is content with their current job and personal style, their girlfriend insists that they need to “grow up” by changing these aspects.

This has led to arguments, with the girlfriend even calling the user’s workplace to question why they’re not a manager. The user is now questioning the relationship, feeling like they’ve lost themselves, and is unsure if they should stay or leave.

‘ My(30M) GF(32F) of 6 months has changed her behaviour recently and I want to leave’

So I met her earlier this year, we were fast friends within a month of meeting and dating after a month, official for 6 months or so. Met her on a night out with some friends. We live separately but she spends a lot of time at my house as it’s nearer to where she works. Our relationship started really nicely, I felt like we just got on really well and she was very supportive of me as well.

But recently she’s been quite pushy about me making changes to my lifestyle and seems angry and disappointed with the results. The two big ones are my work and what I wear.
As for my work, I work at the same store I’ve worked at since I was 16, it’s just an easy job, pays my bills and I know how to do everything there,

I’m basically a manager without the responsibility of actually being a manager as I don’t want that level of responsibility for no extra pay. I also make money via stocks and crypto currencies so I don’t struggle for money. As for what I like to wear? I have many jumpers and T shirts of an emo band my friends and I loved when we were young,

I genuinely have like 50 or so that I wear a lot because it makes me happy, and doesn’t hurt anyone either. I admit I have a bit of a problem with anxiety, familiarity helps me with it, some family thinks I might have OCD but I’ve never been diagnosed. My girlfriend a few weeks ago expressed frustration with my clothes, saying I need to grow up and get new ones.

She spends a lot of money to get whatever clothes are in fashion, I don’t have a problem with that as it’s her money to spend and she isn’t hurting anyone. But I don’t know why she has a problem with my clothes. The argument was big but resolved and we went shopping and bought me some new clothes, they are actually quite nice and I like wearing them too.

A few days later I was wearing a band T shirt again because the new clothes were in the wash and she was really angry about it. I explained the new clothes were in the wash and it wasn’t decided that I’d completely stop wearing the band stuff. She wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the day, the next day she had cooled off and explained that she thinks new clothes will help me grow as a person.

We talked a long time and I eventually agreed to get rid of the band clothes. While I was packing them up I started crying and she called me stupid and I asked her to leave. She came back a few hours later and we made up, I packed the boxes into my car and told her I was gonna donate them, she was really pleased and said I was making the right choice getting rid of them.

I didn’t donate them, I took them to work and I’m keeping them there until further notice, my boss was confused but understanding. I got back home and she’d ordered my lots of new clothes. She told me she understands it was upsetting but I’d be better off for it. That night a few hours later she wanted to talk about my work and why I’m not a manager.

I explained to her that I don’t want to be. She’s been distant and only talks about how I should ask to be a manager, I’ve explained why I don’t want to be, and that I wouldn’t even be paid more, nor is there a need for it at the store. She just keeps saying that I need to fight for a pay rise as well so I can treat us to nice things.

I told her that isn’t how it works and that I make money in other ways and that she has her own money too so it shouldn’t matter. She shouted at me that I’m useless and stormed out. My boss also told me she called the store and asked him why I’m not a manager. After being upset and feeling useless for a few hours I decided that I don’t want to be with her.

I realized I don’t see my friends as much as I used to because she likes to spend all our free time just us. I just don’t feel happy with her anymore and feel like she actually acted differently when we started out just to get close to me, she even said she loved all the band stuff when I first showed her. I think she may be right that new clothes might help me a bit,

I genuinely appreciate that and like how I look in some of the clothes we bought. But I also liked how I looked in the band stuff, and still think it wasn’t over the top, I’d normally just wear jeans and a T shirt or jumper anyway, I don’t think it’s as ridiculous as she said it was. I just thought of it as a wearable collection, people collect weirder things.

As well as this, I really don’t like that I lied to her about donating the band stuff, it felt horrible and dishonest, my boss and colleagues could tell something was off when I took the boxes into work. I try to be honest as I don’t want to upset people.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

RedDress999 −  Yes, I think you are right to break up with her. She crossed all sorts of lines, IMO. It’s fine that she made some suggestions on clothing, and even that she expressed that she preferred that while in public. But asking you to get rid of them all together?! Or to not wear it while lounging around the house, or at the gym or doing yard work type of thing?!

That’s crossing the line into controlling. It’s ok for her to ask about your position at work. But calling your boss?!? That’s a MAJOR line she crossed there. That’s completely unacceptable. She was treating you like a child. That’s highly disrespectful… It takes two people to decide to be in a relationship. It takes one to decide to break up.

When you go to have the conversation – just remember that you aren’t asking for her permission or for her to agree – you are simply informing her of your decision. Personally, I’m not a fan of the “in public” advise unless you feel she may be violent.

Just get together with her when you can, inform her of your decision, give her a few minutes (maybe 10 or 20) to ask questions as needed and then cut it off. The whole conversation need not last more than 20 minutes…

marinerrrr −  I think your response to all of this was completely reasonable. You opened yourself up to her suggestions and to trying new things, and you kept your boundaries about not wanting to enter a management position at your store. I think you have a healthy view point on yourself, your life, and what makes you happy.

The fact that she called your work to complain without telling you is a major red flag. When you end things, I would just suggest that you stay focused on the fact that you were willing to change and try new things, while she was hard line and disrespectful of your choices. Someone who really cares about you would behave more like you did- seeking compromise.

It is going to be uncomfortable, but you can do it! If she becomes angry, ask her to leave or leave the situation yourself, but don’t waver on the fact that the relationship is over. I would strongly suggest going no-contact after the break up, so that she cannot manipulate you out of your decision.

[Reddit User] −  How can I be assertive about wanting to break up and not have her talk me out of it? “It’s not working for me.” If she demands an explanation, “No” is a complete sentence.
She sees you as an improvement project.

Implicit in that is the idea that you’re substandard, or incomplete, or even broken. But you don’t seem any of those things, and she’ll make your life a living hell if you stay with her, as she shapes and molds and scolds and cajoles you into behaving as she wants.

iheartgiraffe −  Okay so she sounds awful and you’re absolutely right to get rid of her. THAT SAID, I’ve done a quick skim of the comments and I haven’t seen this addressed: As you get older, you’re going to find it more and more difficult to find a partner who is content with you working the same job that you had at 16, with no intention to advance in your career in any way.

Even if you have income from investments, that’s not as reliable of an income as most people prefer. This is an opportunity for you to think about what you want out of your future when it comes to work and when it comes to your relationships. If you see a future that involves something like marriage and kids, you may want to consider how you can demonstrate ambition,

growth, and financial security, whether that’s through work or other means, and again, you’ll need to be mindful that people on this path generally do look at work trajectory when deciding on a long-term partner. Alternatively, if you see yourself maintaining your current lifestyle indefinitely or permanently (and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that decision!),

that’s something you should be more up front about with future partners so as not to waste time with someone who’s looking for the other type of relationship. There does tend to be an implicit understanding in dating that things will grow towards a long term relationship, so this is something you’ll unfortunately need to be extra vocal about.

yennifer0888 −  I’m so glad you didn’t throw out those band t’s !!!

fiery_valkyrie −  Ugh. She’s one of those women who treats their partner like a fixer-upper project. If she wanted to date a career go-getter who dressed in a particular way, then she should have kept looking till she found that guy. When you talk to her, keep in mind that she doesn’t want to date you.

She just wants to date someone that she can nag and bully into being her perfect partner. You deserve better than that.. Also, this is f**king delusional: My boss also told me she called the store and asked him why I’m not a manager.

NewDeathSensation −  There have been some good points made in this thread but a lot of people seem to have missed the fact that she called your job to harass your boss. Your partner took it upon themselves to harass your boss on your behalf. This is not a small thing and it’s wildly inappropriate. It seems like you didn’t have much trouble from your boss but it could have gone very differently.

Tara_on_Fire −  The best therapist I’ve ever had told me “Act your boundaries, don’t explain them” as advice to stop being talked out of ending things with someone. (I struggle with it sometimes, but used to not be able to accomplish it at all)

It helps me to really look at the amount of information I give someone that I let talk me out of things often, and I’m not happy in this relationship is all the reason really needed to break up with someone.

ETA: lol of course I forgot the thing I struggle with the most in this issue: ending the conversation. You aren’t obligated to sit there until she’s done with you just b/c you’re breaking up. That’s how I end up getting talked out of it usually. I forget I can end it.

Boobsiclese −  Get your clothes back to your house and boot this person out. Progress is good and all but wtf…