My wife has applied to be a surrogate without my knowledge.

Imagine waking up to find out that the person you thought you were building a future with has taken a major, life‐altering decision—one that affects your entire family—without discussing it with you. In this case, a 35‑year‑old man explains that his 31‑year‑old wife surprised him by revealing that she applied for and was approved to be a surrogate.

With two kids already in the family and plans for a third always in the mix, her decision to help another family as a surrogate has left him reeling. While she sees it as a selfless act of generosity, he is deeply concerned about the impact on her health, their relationship, and the well‑being of their existing children. Amid feelings of agitation and betrayal, he now wonders if his reaction makes him an a**hole.

‘My wife has applied to be a surrogate without my knowledge.’

Expert Opinion

Relationship and family therapists underscore that major family decisions—especially those involving surrogacy—should always be made together. One expert explains, “When decisions affect the entire family dynamic, unilateral actions can lead to feelings of betrayal and deep-seated conflict. Surrogacy isn’t just a personal choice; it impacts every member of the household.”

Another professional adds, “Even if the intent behind the decision is noble, bypassing key conversations can cause long-term emotional distress. It’s important to recognize that protecting your family’s emotional and physical well-being sometimes means saying no to actions that might seem generous on the surface.” In cases like these, establishing clear boundaries and ensuring that every major decision is mutually discussed is essential for a sustainable relationship.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Many redditors agree that major family decisions require mutual respect and open dialogue. They emphasize that while helping others is admirable, choices that affect the entire family—like surrogacy—demand shared responsibility. When one partner acts unilaterally, it can deeply shake trust and highlight the importance of protecting the emotional well-being of everyone involved.

Ultimately, the dilemma isn’t about dismissing the selflessness of surrogacy—it’s about the importance of shared decisions in a partnership. When a decision with far-reaching consequences is made without consultation, it can undermine trust and leave one partner feeling sidelined. His choice to stand by his concerns isn’t about controlling his wife’s good intentions; it’s about safeguarding the well‑being of the entire family.

So, AITA? Or is it entirely reasonable to expect that major decisions be made together? Share your thoughts and experiences—your insights might help others facing similarly difficult crossroads in their relationships.