My Wife didn’t get me anything for my 40th

A man planned a special trip to Puerto Rico for his 40th birthday, inviting his wife and father-in-law, who was struggling with a divorce. Despite organizing a fun getaway and giving gift ideas ahead of time, his wife didn’t get him anything for his birthday, except for a last-minute cake from a gas station.

His family also didn’t acknowledge his milestone birthday, leaving him feeling upset and unappreciated. Now, he’s struggling to express his disappointment, especially since his wife is pregnant, and has even canceled plans with his dad. He’s wondering how to cope with these feelings without adding stress to his pregnant wife.

My Wife didn’t get me anything for my 40th

My 40th birthday was recently and I planned an entire trip to Puerto Rico with my wife and my FiL. I don’t generally have my FiL come on our vacations but his birthday was a day after mine and my wife’s parents are getting a divorce after 30+ years of marriage.

He’s been having some issues dealing with it and my MiL was going to Hawaii with her friends so I felt like it was necessary to invite him so he’s not alone on his birthday. For my FiL’s birthday I bought all 3 of us tickets to a major concert with a hotel and a stop at one of his favorite breweries ahead of time. We had a blast at the beginning of June.

I had also invited my brother, his fiancé and my uncles to go with us. For my brother’s 40th (which was only 17 months ago) we all went to Punta Cana and had a weekend bash. We went all out on him. My brother tells me he can’t go to mine but then plans a European vacation with his family and his best friend.

My uncles just didn’t go.I didn’t ask for much. A new pair of shoes. But my wife literally bought a cake from a gas station down the street when we randomly stopped on my birthday and we ate it in the hotel room. I thought something more was coming and this was the big build up, just casually acting like she didn’t get me anything so I played along.

Then the 4th of July came and went and still nothing. I had given her about 10 ideas ahead of time as I anticipated something special as it’s kind of a monumental birthday. It wasn’t until after our events on the 4th of July that it finally set in and I realized, she really hadn’t gotten me anything.

I asked her thinking she would let me know it was on its way or something along those lines and nothing. She’s now traveling for work and I’m home alone. I feel like s**it and I’m struggling to get over it. She’s pregnant with our first child and so I don’t want to cause her undue stress but I’m really finding this hard to take and having a tough time dealing.

All-in-all for my special 40th birthday I got a roll of toilet paper that says “You are 40” from my dad with no card and in an Amazon bag. I promptly threw this away. Dinner from my mom which I actually paid half for because that was the same day we told her we were pregnant.

Nothing from my wife, FiL, brother, brother’s fiancé, not even a happy birthday from my uncles. My MiL did get me some shirts from Hawaii and a really cool guitar pick with Hawaii on it.I feel like s**it and I feel like I can’t even express how upset I actually am.

My dad is coming up from FL in a week to be with my brother and I for his birthday and I’ve canceled, telling him I’m just not going.

Edit: We have established a joint account for vacations but this trip was mostly (outside of a few dinners) paid for by me. Trying to keep the joint account money for savings goals and kid.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

anonny42357 ( Top 1 ) says

NTA for any of it. I would talk to your wife and family about it though, because letting resentment fester is never good

KingBayley ( Top 2 ) says

I had to go on a s**itty vacation with my in laws over my 40th, because MIL booked it without considering my birthday. When I objected my husband said I was acting like a child, even though he knew I’d been planning to throw a big bash as a sort of “end of my youth”. I wound up spending my big day in a place I didn’t want to be, in a house with people I didn’t particularly like, and away from my closest friends.
Edited to add: NTA

Cool_Priority6816 ( Top 3 ) says

I turned 50 in January. Apparently, without a Facebook reminder, no one remembers…including my brother for whom I flew to Miami for his 40th, took him, sil and nephew to dinner. I didn’t even get a text from any of them. NTA

Luminocte ( Top 4 ) says

NTA
Everybody here telling you that you’re being unreasonable or a baby for wanting a knowledgment on your birthday is fundamentally missing the point. Birthdays are an opportunity to show people that you care about them. People in your life clearly celebrate birthdays in a big way.

The fact that people in your life downright ignored you is incredibly hurtful. It’s not really about the gift. It’s about the lack of care.Talk to the people in your life who did this, especially your wife. Her being pregnant is not an excuse to treat you that way. Try to frame it away from the gift.

Talk about how it made you feel instead so they can’t focus in on you not getting a present as an excuse to minimize the effect of their actions.

Powerful_Pie_7924 ( Top 5 ) says

Hey man just mean a lot less gifts you need to buy from now on let’s see how they feel when you don’t do or get them anything for their birthday

Unique-Ad9516 ( Top 6 ) says

My boyfriends birthday is May 12, mine is May 13. I was turning 30 this year, so expected something. My boyfriend is from Trinidad, so I asked his mom for her recipe for curry chicken and roti as it’s his favorite meal. I spent hours preparing it while also taking care of our three children, so that he could enjoy it when he got home from work.

We had already agreed on no gifts this year as we’re trying to renovate our house and it’s expensive. He thoroughly enjoyed his dinner and his birthday as a whole.
The next day was my 30th. I did not get a single happy birthday from anyone. My children were the only ones who got me gifts, which was precious.

I was the one to make dinner, again, while caring for three kids.Mother’s Day was the day after, and his mother was lavished with gifts, I called my mom to wish her a happy Mother’s Day, and still. No one remembered it was my birthday.

Drunkendonkeytail ( Top 7 ) says

Talk. To. Your. Wife. Tell her what you expect/need for your birthday, and that you feel let down if you don’t get it. A kid is on the way? Any possibility your wife worries how this will effect you financially? Any possibility she felt that the trip was your present given the expense?

Euphoric_Egg_4198 ( Top 8 ) says

I get it, she could’ve just told the hotel and they would have arranged something without much work on her end. It’s ok to feel bad because it sounds like you do so much for others and expected at least a fraction of that from your loved ones.

Cherrybomb909 ( Top 9 ) says

NTA stop doing nice things for everyone else. Don’t plan anything for your wife’s birthday, get her a gas station cake and some gas station treats.

Xarjy ( Top 10 ) says

NTA for how you feel. However, I feel like there are 2 major pitfalls here that might need to be addressed.The first major one is you started off by explaining how much you have done for everybody else, which makes me think you’re comparing what you do for others and expect the same. This is not really fair to others, and it will only ever result in disappointment and resentment.

The other thing that stands out to me is a breakdown in communication. It seems to me like you were dropping hints at things you might want, when you may need to flat out say “I’d like one of these 10 items, surprise me with which one!”

If in fact you communicated what you wanted completely openly, and if you legitimately understand that you will give more than they do unless you specifically ask for it, then I might start to think they’re simply taking advantage of your generosity. In that event I would personally stop offering as much to them, and spend that energy on myself.