Am I wrong for ending a 20 year marriage because I learned my wife cheated on me while we were dating?

The original poster (OP) and his wife began dating in high school, endured a long-distance relationship during her college years, and built a seemingly stable life together. However, a casual dinner with old friends uncovered a devastating truth: his wife slept with at least 10 men during their early years, including mutual acquaintances she later introduced to him. OP’s decision to divorce has divided their families, who argue the infidelity is “too old to matter.”

‘Am I wrong for ending a 20-year marriage because I learned my wife cheated on me while we were dating?’

Expert Opinions:

Infidelity’s Long-Term Impact on Trust:
Dr. Shirley Glass, renowned psychologist and author of Not Just Friends, emphasizes that secrecy corrodes relationships: “Even decades-old infidelity can destroy trust if it was hidden. The betrayal isn’t just the act—it’s the years of lies that followed.” In OP’s case, his wife’s ongoing contact with former partners compounds the betrayal, making it a present-day issue.

The Myth of ‘Ancient History’ in Relationships:
A 2018 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that partners who discover past infidelity often experience grief comparable to recent betrayal. Lead author Dr. Karen Blair explains, “The emotional trauma isn’t tied to time. Learning your partner deceived you for years rewrites your shared history, causing profound identity loss.”

Family Pressure and Divorce Stigma:
Dr. Tamara Afifi, a communication professor at UC Santa Barbara, notes in The Atlantic that families often prioritize stability over emotional truth: “Relatives may urge reconciliation to avoid discomfort, but invalidating OP’s pain perpetuates harm. Divorce isn’t failure—it’s a boundary.”

Solutions Proposed by Experts:

• Therapy for Betrayal Trauma: Dr. Glass recommends individual counseling for OP to process grief, rather than couples therapy, given the wife’s minimization of her actions.
• Transparency as a Non-Negotiable: Dr. Blair urges the wife to disclose full details if reconciliation were attempted, though OP’s stance suggests he’s beyond this.
• Rebuilding Autonomy: Dr. Afifi advises OP to lean on supportive networks outside his family to counter pressure to “get over it.”

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Reddit users overwhelmingly sided with OP, calling his wife’s actions “calculated” and “gaslighting.” Many applauded his self-respect, arguing that her ongoing lies—not just the cheating—made the marriage untenable. Critics accused OP of “throwing away 20 good years,” but most rebutted that trust cannot exist on a foundation of deceit. A minority speculated the wife’s guilt stemmed from fear of exposure, not remorse.

This story forces us to ask: Does time erase betrayal, or does secrecy poison love indefinitely? OP’s choice to divorce challenges the notion that longevity justifies overlooking harm. Was he right to prioritize his dignity, or should he have forgiven to preserve the family? Where would you draw the line?