Am I wrong for ending a 20 year marriage because I learned my wife cheated on me while we were dating?
After 20 years of marriage, one man has found himself at a crossroads after discovering that his wife had cheated on him with multiple men during the early years of their relationship.
Though the infidelity happened while they were long-distance in college, he only recently learned about it during a casual dinner with her old friends. Feeling betrayed by the years of deception, he decided to initiate a divorce. Let’s read the whole story below!
‘Am I wrong for ending a 20-year marriage because I learned my wife cheated on me while we were dating?’
My wife (44F) and I (43M) have been married 20 years. We started dating in high school when I was a junior and she was a senior. We were long-distance for her first two years of college while I was in high school and did one year at community college, then we went to college in the same city for a year, and have lived together since. We got married the summer after I graduated college. Our marriage has been pretty great so far, but I initiated a divorce after I discovered that she was sleeping with multiple other men for the 2 years we were long-distance.
Just after Christmas, we got together with a few friends of hers from college to catch up, have dinner, and hang out. We talked about a lot of stuff and my wife mentioned that we met in high school (not that we dated, just that we met). Her old college roommate commented that it was crazy that we met in high school, had a few wild years in college, then ended up together. I played along and commented that I didn’t know if my wife was as crazy as I was.
The roommate started to tell a story, but my wife cut her off and said she was uncomfortable about it. I sensed something was up, so I said that we actually started dating in high school and were together for my wife’s entire time at college. All of my wife’s friends got really quiet and the rest of the dinner was awkward. On the way out, one of her other roommates took me aside and said I should have “an honest conversation” about what happened at college.
I asked my wife on the way home and she kind of blew me off. I told her it was important that she was honest with me and again she said it wasn’t important. When we got home, I told her I was going to stay at my brother’s house until she was ready to talk about what happened in college. The next day she came over and admitted to sleeping with “several” men during her first two years at college.
She said she didn’t consider it a big deal at the time because we were long-distance and she didn’t think a high school romance would last. I pressed for more details and she said it was at least 10 different men including at least 3 guys she introduced to me as friends when I came to visit on weekends and 1 guy she was still in contact with. I told her that I wanted a divorce and would be starting the paperwork as soon as I could (which I did on January 2nd).
Her family and most of my family is telling me I shouldn’t throw away my marriage over a few mistakes. I’ve stood by my belief that cheating on me with multiple men for years is unacceptable no matter when it happened and the fact that she continued to maintain relationships with these guys right in front of me was an unacceptable amount of disrespect.
We have two children, but they are 17 and 19 and I believe they will understand why I need to end the marriage. Am I wrong for leaving? I feel like I’m going crazy with the number of people telling me to over look years of infidelty and decades of lies.
The OP later added an edit:
Holy shit I’m glad I did this with a throwaway because the response here is unexpected. I obviously can’t answer every question/comment, but I wanted to provide some detail for common questions.
The reason I posted this is that my wife and a few friends have been saying it’s common to sleep with other folks when you’re in a long-distance relationship and that I’m kind of the odd one out for not sleeping around. I felt like I was being gaslit, but I wanted an outside perspective.
We live in a state with a waiting period to finalize a divorce, so I felt it was a reasonable idea to get some insight before things are finalized. After these comments, I see a handful of folks saying it’s normal to sleep around during a long-distance relationship, but it seems to be a significant minority.
We saw each other a couple of weekends a month during the two-year college period. I lived about 3 hours away from her college, so it was long distance but not like cross country. This was not a situation where we went months without seeing each other. The 3 guys I met while she was in college were meetups that happened during parties. The subject of me being a boyfriend didn’t really come up, so I honestly don’t know if these guys knew anything.
The one guy we’re still in contact with married a mutual friend from college. This is not some guy she secretly messages on the side, it’s somebody we’ve talked to regularly for years. I’ve talked to him a few times since I’ve learned about my wife. He’s said he didn’t know we were dating at the time and has since blocked my wife on social media.
Some folks have asked how the roommates didn’t realize at our wedding that the timelines didn’t work out. The main reason is that my wife and I had a very small ceremony with just close family in Texas, then went back to the East Coast to have a big party with friends. The typical reception/sharing details about how we met stuff didn’t really happen, so her roommates didn’t realize we started dating before college. It sounds like they thought we only dated for the year we were both in the same city, then moved in together.
I was open to therapy or some kind of attempt to save the marriage, but her insistence that this whole thing is common and I’m the one who’s out of line is just too much for me. The only time she showed any remorse or even offered to reconcile was when I started filing paper work. In the last week, she’s gone back to saying she’s right and I’m overreacting. This is also why I feel like I’m being gaslit. It seems obvious that this is a major issue, but I’ve got my wife and others telling me it’s normal and I’m overreacting.
I’m not getting a paternity test unless my kids want to get one. I don’t have any doubts that they are biologically mine, and no test will make them, not my kids. I love them more than anything in the world and my wife’s infidelity won’t change that even if one or both of them is not biologically mine. They’ve been my kids for 19 years and they will be my kids until I stop breathing.
Here’s the final edit:
Hey all, I’ve been reading a bunch of the responses, but things are getting crazy and increasingly unhinged, so I probably won’t be checking in more. Here are a few more answers to common questions I’ve seen.
We were definitely exclusively dating at the time. First, dating culture was a lot different 20ish years ago and exclusive was kind of the default for most people. Second, we had a long and difficult discussion before she left for college about continuing the relationship long distance. She specifically wanted to stay together and even joked about her dad coming after me if I started sleeping around with girls at my school.
Finally, at my senior prom, she was not able to attend and was very upset when I proposed going with a platonic female friend of mine. As a result, I ended up skipping my prom and hanging out with her instead. While we never said the word exclusive, I think the above reasons, combined with the general relationship before she left, are enough to assume exclusivity.
Based on some comments here, I followed up with the friend who said I should have an honest conversation. She told me that “10 guys would be on the low end” and that her biggest concern was that there was apparently at least one pregnancy scare that I didn’t know about. I honestly don’t think that really changes much. It’s less about the number for me and more about the fact that she seems incapable of recognizing why this was wrong or why I feel betrayed.
Thank you all for the helpful responses, even those that disagree with me. I will still be open to therapy if she’s willing, but I honestly feel like it would be more about us being successful co-parents and finding closure than saving our marriage.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Ok_Educator_7097 – She cheated and lied to you then, maintained contact with at least one of her fuck buddies, and introduced you to many of the guys that were banging her. That is not only dishonest but cruel. I think you are 100% in the right. Who knows what else she’s done. You have no way of knowing.
StaticCloud – If she slept around in college, and told you about it and you reconciled… No issue there. But she kept it from you. She kept in contact with one. She introduced you to her flings as friends at the time! That’s completely messed up. You are right to divorce her. She lied to you for 20 years. She does not respect you now or then.
IllSeeYouPay – If she wants to do the work to remain in your life in any capacity, that’s up to you guys. You should absolutely do what you need to do to feel comfortable with your way forward. She robbed you of your agency for 20 years, and then invited people who had violated you into your life. I don’t blame you for feeling whatever way you do.
Hope you and your children can navigate this as well as possible, and if there is a way you can live happily in whatever capacity with your wife, then I’m all for that too. Do what’s best for you, fuck how anyone else feels. Wishing you the best.
OP – It would change a lot if I felt that she wanted to fix this. Throughout our conversation about it, she repeatedly dismissed my feelings and told me I was overreacting to “totally normal behavior”. She didn’t show any regret or consideration for how it hurt me until she realized I was serious about divorce, then she got defensive and angry. She didn’t offer to fix things in any way until I started the paper work and notified her that I had a lawyer.
I think we can navigate being parents. Our kids are older and I’ve been putting away money for college/post high school for a long time, so a lot of the custody and monetary issues that come up shouldn’t be a big problem. We’re also both financially stable and make good money.
What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!
