My wife “baby-trapped” me

The user (34M) is in a difficult situation with his wife (32F) after discovering that she secretly tampered with birth control to get pregnant with a third child, despite their previous agreement to have only two. The wife had been pushing for a third child, and after the pregnancy test came back positive, the user found evidence that she had planned it without his consent.

The situation has caused a breakdown in trust, with the user feeling betrayed and unsure whether to stay in the marriage or leave. They are currently living in the same house, but the user is ignoring his wife and struggling with his feelings.

‘ My wife “baby-trapped” me?’

I put baby-trap in quotation marks because I’m not sure what she did is the actual definition of baby trap, she didn’t have a kid to make me stay, just against my will. So my wife (32F) and I (34M) have been together for eight years. We have a little girl (5F) and a baby boy (2M).

I love both of them more than anything and I finally feel like I have everything. A beautiful wife, two healthy kids, a great career, and a big house. The token “American Dream”, minus the dog, I’m allergic. When we talked about kids before, my wife always said she wanted two.

I only wanted one, it would be easier and we’d have more money for vacations and stuff, but my wife maintained it’s important for a child to have a sibling. I grew up with four and my wife with none, so I guess I understand where she’s coming from.

After our son and getting through the baby years and sleepless nights for the second time, I didn’t want to ever go through that again. Both kids were very fussy and colicky. But when he was a year old, my wife began casually mentioning a third.

I would laugh it off but finally she sat me down and said we have to have a third. I said no, we agreed on two, but she said she wanted *four* and three is the compromise. I refused and said I wanted one and we have two. She got angry and called me selfish for taking away her dream of wanting a big family.

A couple days later, she apologized and we had s**. I noticed her drive increased exponentially but so did mine and I was happy to engage her. She was on birth-control, I had a condom, it was all good.

Thinking back on it, I probably should have figured something was up, but I was barely handling two little kids and work on top of housework and yardwork and everything. I came home from work one day, while the kids were at their grandparents.

My wife had a huge smile on her face and she sat me down and showed me a positive pregnancy test, literally dancing in joy. My first thought was, “*oh s**t*.” My wife noticed a less-than-happy expression on my face and started screaming at me.

She berated me for not being supportive and this was a “miracle from God” and I should be grateful. I said I was sorry and hugged her and said I was super excited for the baby. My wife was delighted and later that night she was calling all family and friends to happily tell them the news.

When she was talking about the nursery and how we’ll convert my office into a room I started to get a little suspicious. Everything was so well thought-out and it seemed like she’d been planning this for a while. When she was asleep, I took the condoms out of the cupboard and ran them under water. Holes.

I nabbed her phone and saw she’d set a password. That was odd. Nevertheless, my wife has a terrible memory so I tried her birthday and it opened. Further up were texts with her best friend of my wife complaining how I wouldn’t come around. Her best friend suggested “arrange an accident” with a winky face.

My wife agreed and said she was going to come off of birth control. It went on for a little while, ending with my wife saying that yes, we *were* going to have a 3rd. So I woke her up immediately and asked her if this had really been a “miracle”? She got that deer-in-headlights look and burst into tears.

She wailed and then she got angry. Through tears she screamed I had no right to go through her phone and it’s her choice whether or not she wants to take BC, the side-effects are bad and she was sick. She also brought up if I really didn’t want a third kid, I should have had a vasectomy.

She told me to go sleep on the couch, I laughed out loud and said no, I’m sleeping here, you’re leaving. So while wailing she packed a bag and left to her parents. When she called the next day I told her I just need some time to myself. She said that’s fine but I need to come around for our child.

I told her I wasn’t sure if it’d be “our child” and she cried more. It’s been two weeks since then. Governments recommended to stay at home and I knew staying home by myself while also working with two kids would not be ideal and she wanted to see our kids.

So we’re in the same house, she constantly keeps on stopping me and trying to get me excited for our kid and planning the nursery and names and how happy our kids will be to get a younger sibling. I’ve been ignoring her entirely.

What do I do? Staying home with her is bad enough and I don’t know if I should leave her over this. I don’t trust her anymore. She entirely betrayed it. I’m angry. But I have another child on the way.

See what others had to share with OP:

Ruthless_Bunny −  [Reproductive Coercion ](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reproductive_coercion). This is a form of abuse. Speak with a lawyer, get a therapist. This is NOT okay!

fifthsonata −  This….is awful. Not only was she being selfish, but what kind of fucked up mother thinks it’s a good idea to bring a child into the world against the wishes of her partner? That hurts the child beyond measure because the father will never bond with that child the way he bonded with the other.

She has seriously, seriously hurt that baby. It’s selfish, short-sighted, and incredibly…..I don’t even have the right words. As a mother myself, my heart is just hurting for that child. I personally wouldn’t be with someone like that. BUT, a situation like this is above Reddit’s pay grade.

It’s a delicate, ethical thing that only you should decide going forward. No one would blame you if you left her, but you need to decide how to proceed with the baby. I would really encourage you talk to a counselor (betterhelp.com and talkspace.com are both online options for the time being).

If you want to ask her to leave, you’re well within your right to do so. You could give her a bunch of resources to find an apartment or call one of her family members to ask if she could stay. Maybe give her some counseling resources as well because you have to be seriously ill to think this is okay.

I wish you the best. This is a hard situation and I’m so sorry it happened to you….especially in the middle of a f**king pandemic.. Edit: r/legaladvice may be another useful forum for you, including the links u/ebbie45 gave you.

tuna_fart −  It’d be a 100% deal breaker for me. The lying, the manipulation, and leveraging your kids. No going back from that.

vabab8 −  Keep the condoms

[Reddit User] −  if a guy taking off a condom without the woman’s knowledge is technically rape…doesnt this count as that too???she didnt mention coming off BC AND poked holes in the condoms….get away from this l**atic..if not then get her some help.

annoyed68 −  I’d divorce her and yes- she definitely “baby trapped” you. This is actually a form of rape in several areas of the world. She withheld important contraceptive information from you (going off birth control) and actively tampered with the one you were using (holes in the condoms.)

Is there anyway you can get on her phone again? I’d suggest screen shotting her admitting she tampered with your condoms and went off her bc purposely without mentioning it to you and sending it to your own phone. Hell, I’d even record a conversation between you and her and get her to openly talk about what she did.

latinuh96 −  DO NOT STICK AROUND JUST FOR THE KIDS!!!!!! I think all children wishes their parents knew this. It’ll be much healthier to raise them through co parenting as you will both be happier on your own whereas if you stay together they will see the fights, the resentment and things will be toxic. Good luck

t3hd0n −  get a divorce. asap. thats horrible of her to do. you’ll make a better father to your kids if you leave her because you won’t be miserable and in a marriage you hate. it’s her choice whether or not she wants to take BC.

she tried lying. again. she was hoping you didn’t find out she put holes in the condoms. talk to a lawyer. now. if you feel like she’ll try to run off with joint financials (which, after what she’s done i wouldn’t put it past her) or other damaging things you’ll want to lock those down asap.

Silverwarlocker −  This is definitely not something you want to deal with in the long term. My ex would pull the same s**t (lie about birth control, etc.) and I just lived with it and the trauma for the sake of being in love. Its messed me up pretty bad in the long-term and has made s** an extremely stressful event now that I’m out of that relationship.

Even just for the sake of your mental health (which will rub off on your home and work life), you should definitely consider not being in that situation for the long term. Get records of the texts from your cell company for safe keeping if you have to.