My wife (37F) and I (38M) want to adopt our teenage foster daughter but FIL (64M) is furious about it?

A couple with two biological sons decided to adopt their teenage foster daughter after witnessing her incredible growth and resilience. While most of their family supports the decision, the wife’s father reacted with hostility, spewing cruel comments about the girl and threatening the family’s unity. Now, they must navigate this toxic dynamic while protecting their daughter. Read the full story below.

‘ My wife (37F) and I (38M) want to adopt our teenage foster daughter but FIL (64M) is furious about it?’

My wife and I have two biological teenage sons, one older and one younger than our foster daughter. We have been fostering kids for many years but the goal has always been to reunify the kids with their parents which has happened successfully each time until now.

Two years ago we took in our foster daughter, now mid teens. She had been through a LOT and was labeled as a “troubled kid” and not adoptable. I won’t go into details, but the issue in this matter is that there are images of her going around amongst a certain community from before we took her in.

We were informed by authorities about all of this before so it’s not like this came as a surprise after we got to know her. I’m not going to lie, it has not been easy. Our families have seen us struggle but almost everyone has been super supportive. The first 5-6 months were the hardest.

She didn’t trust us, and she was angry at the world – rightfully so. Then one random night I got up in the middle of the night and unintentionally ended up scaring her shitless, and she had a full-blown panic attack. She was ok after a little while but it was like something clicked for her that night.

It was like she realized that we were on her side, and we watched her change from this angry and sad little girl to the ambitious young teenager we know today. It started with her telling us thank you for everything we did, small things like driving her to practice.

And she said it with a smile on her face. It was so amazing to see her feeling better and not so lonely anymore. From there everything changed. She made new friends and got a lot closer to my sons, especially the older one. Her grades went from failing multiple classes to getting straight A’s.

Not because we were nagging her, but because she wanted to. Each member of our household has developed a good and strong relationship with her and the love we have for this girl cannot be put into words. We’ve reached that cosmic connection.

She still struggles with a few things, which is totally fair after all she’s been through, but she is working on it, and we are supporting her in every way we can. Overall she’s doing amazing, she’s so strong and I’m very proud of her.

We made the decision to fight the system to change their verdict from not adoptable to available for conditional adoption, because we want to commit to her for life. We want to adopt her. Last month we got the call that they changed their verdict, and we sent in our papers that were already ready and things are looking very promising.

The thing is we haven’t told her yet. She knows that she is now adoptable, but we haven’t asked her if she wants us to officially adopt her yet. My wife and I have talked to our sons about it, and they are fully on board. We talked to my parents, our brothers and sisters and their spouses.

All of them have a good relationship with our daughter, and every single one of them is so supportive of our decision and willing to fully welcome our daughter into our family. Then there is wifes parents… MIL hasn’t been awful I guess, but maybe it’s because I’m comparing what she said to what FIL said.

We told them about our plan and asked them about their opinion. MIL asked if we were sure as our daughter doesn’t quite “fit in”. My wife and I didn’t understand at all since our daughter has a very similar personality as we and our sons do. But it turns out she’s concerned about the visual side of it as she’s clearly not our biological child and people will start asking questions.

The thing is, my wife, myself and our sons are very tall. Our daughter is not. She is tiny compared to us and has a similar eye color but not the exact same. All 5 of us have the same skin tone and colored and textured hair.

Not that I think this matters AT ALL(!!!) but the stupidity of it is unreal! Apart from height she could pass as our biological daughter, so I’m starting to think this is a l**e excuse for something else.

I told her that people would ask questions no matter what, because even if our daughter was the spitting image of my wife, it’s not like she suddenly gave birth to a teenager two years ago. And the answer to any question is very simple. “She’s adopted.” Tadaa! It’s not like it could ever become a secret now, so I don’t get it. MIL didn’t say much after that but it was very clear she was not on board.

FIL hadn’t said anything, but he didn’t seem excited at all. I asked for his opinion, and he just stared at us for a minute, and then he said “Don’t do this to yourself and our family.” It’s safe to say I was confused but I had no idea what to say. After a few more seconds he went off!

He started talking about their family name, and he didn’t want that ruined by a little wh**e and what would people think if they saw these images floating around on the internet. I was stunned! My wife couldn’t find any words either and started crying before she just left.

I didn’t say a word while FIL finished ranting but 1000 thoughts went through my head. Eventually he stopped talking and I still had trouble finding any words to say. I just told him “you are sick!” and I left too. My wife is destroyed after hearing what her father thinks about our daughter. We have no idea how they know about these images as we haven’t told anyone about it.

I’m 100% certain my wife didn’t tell them as their relationship is not that great. My wife is closer to my mother than her own so that wouldn’t make sense. We have tried to hide this from the kids since this happened, but my older son sensed something was very wrong and asked about it.

I told him our conversation with ILss about adopting our daughter didn’t go very well, and they weren’t supportive. He wanted to know why. I told him I couldn’t tell him, but that it was serious and promised to talk to him about it in a few years when he’s an adult.

And I assured him that our daughter didn’t do anything wrong, our plans haven’t changed and that it’s FIL who is being unreasonable. My son told me that our daughter told him a few months ago that she didn’t think ILs liked her very much, especially FIL.

This happened two days ago, and we haven’t spoken to them since. I’m not sure I even want to try tbh. For me this is going no contact worthy. I want nothing to do with them. My wife is in pieces and has mentioned that she doesn’t want them in her life after this. This has tainted our adoption experience for sure.

I’m afraid though that if we p**s FIL off even more that he will start talking to our family about these images. I do realize that he will look like a p** in everyones eyes, but I would like to spare our daughter from everyone knowing about what’s out there.

I usually talk to my mother about heavy stuff in life, but I cannot talk to her about this without feeling like I’m exposing my daughter by telling my mother more than I want to for my daughters sake. Internet strangers… I have no idea what to do from here. How do I go about the situation with FIL without creating more mess than absolutely nessesary for my daughter?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

draynaccarato −  I’d never speak to that raging pos ever again. To blame a CHILD for those pictures is beyond repulsive. Best wishes on your family and your new daughter.❤️

BunniesnBroomsticks −  I think your decision to adopt or not isn’t going to be the trigger for FIL to tell people. If that was his goal, he has probably already started telling people. I think you should remove FIL from your decision making process and just worry about what’s right for your family. And I agree, this is definitely a good reason to go no contact.

suddenlywolvez −  Maybe I’ve read too many terrible stories on Reddit but if you guys didn’t tell FIL about the images online…could he have stumbled upon them himself?

laurzilla −  I think you need to move quickly now that this interaction has happened. First is to speak with your daughter ASAP and let her know that you want to adopt her. Second is, honestly I would get ahead of the FIL and tell the rest of the family in a vague-but-clear way.

I would tell them that your daughter was victimized as a child and that images were taken of it, which your FIL is blaming her for. Everyone will know exactly what you’re talking about but you won’t have said exactly what happened. And when FIL then tries to tell them with his spin on it, he will look twice as bad.

I know you want to respect your daughter’s privacy, but the cat will be coming out of the bag now, if it hasn’t already. I think this is the best way to address it while still trying to protect her. I would cut FIL out of your life. His view on this is morally reprehensible. Like I can’t fathom it, it’s so awful to blame a CHILD for something so horrific.

Honestly I would cut someone out of my life for saying this about any child, let alone my own daughter. MIL can stay only if she acknowledges that FIL is horrible. If she’s not 100% on this, she’s out too.. What a difficult situation.

Still_Actuator_8316 −  Time to talk to your future daughter. And let her know whats going on. She needs to be aware of what’s going on and whats to come

Tabernerus −  I frankly wouldn’t trust the FiL around children. Any children. Someone who views the child victim of a s** crime (I apologize for the assumption but it seems pretty clear) that way is not someone who can be trusted to deal responsibly with any kind of adversity a kid might face.

That is, as far of empathy goes, easy mode. Helping her wasn’t easy, but acknowledging that she was a victim and is in NO WAY the blame for it is table stakes for being a living breathing human being. If he can’t handle that, you definitely cannot trust him to handle it well should another grandchild come to him with a less clearcut situation.

ThrowRAmapsnapback −  Wow… that’s a very difficult situation. First of all thank you for being amazing foster parents, you’ve given this girl a lifeline and she no doubt knows who is really there for her – that is you and your wife.

In terms of navigating this situation, you have two initial steps. The first (obvious) is to prioritise the well-being of your family, especially your foster daughter. Continue to provide her with love and support. Second, it’s crucial that you and your wife are on the same page.

It sounds like you both agree on how you feel about the situation, but it will be a difficult time for your wife, having to confront painful truths about her parents, and she will need your support as much as your foster daughter does.. Now to the sensitive matter.

You need to do everything you can to protect your daughter’s privacy. If you haven’t already, consider seeking legal advice to understand what can be done to limit the spread of the images or take action against those distributing them.

If your FIL or anyone else attempts to spread these images or uses them to harm her reputation, you should be prepared to take legal action. You need to be prepared to have an honest conversation with your whole family, with the consent of your daughter, to proactively own the narrative (focusing on her resilience and that any previous victimisation does not define her) if your FIL resorts to a nuclear action.

Ultimately I do not think you should be dissuaded from adopting your daughter. You have connected and are established as a family unit, you know the law and procedure better than anyone here could tell you, and you’ve made up your minds together.. Best of luck

Mountain_Monitor_262 −  FIL watches child porn? He shouldn’t be around children then.

UnicornKitt3n −  I went from crying happy tears to being enraged far too quickly. OP, I’m a survivor of childhood s**ual abuse, including the images. What you are doing is amazing, and you are quite literally going to change the trajectory of this girl’s future. I wish I had an adult like you when I was that age. Now I am also 38, and will be “healing” for the rest of my life from every adult failing me.

Your in laws are not good people. In their core. They are just…not good people. Do you have a family therapist available? I think that would be best to navigate this difficult situation.

You clearly don’t want to cut your sons off from their grandparents, but at the same time, I’d be very weary about your daughter being around them considering what your FIL thinks. My go to explanation for a lot of things to my kids if they’re just too young yet; “so and so is having their own difficulties right now, and it’s best to give them space/understanding, etc.”.

Your situation is a bit more nuanced though, as your FIL’s victim blaming mentality is part of the issues people like us face, and it’s so very important to have our supporters standing with us against those types.. Family therapist pronto, I think.. Keep being an awesome human ❤️

Jen5872 −  So when your MIL said she didn’t fit in, she didn’t really mean physical characteristics. She meant your daughter wasn’t good enough or acceptable enough to be a member of their family. I think  maybe you should reconsider talking to your sons.

As teenagers, they’re aware of the content that people put out there on the Internet. If nothing else, use it as a teachable moment as to why they need to be careful of what they post because once it’s out there, it’s out there. Besides, I doubt your in-laws will keep their mouths shut so it’s better to hear it from you. I hope you still adopt your daughter and tell your in-laws to kick rocks.

Adoption can bring out both love and challenges, especially when dealing with toxic family members. How do you think this couple should balance protecting their daughter while managing family dynamics? Share your thoughts in the comments.