My wife [28F] found out that my mother [59F] and I [28M] have been lying to her about our baby [0M] for months
A husband (28M) shares a heartfelt confession about how he and his mother (59F) tried to help his wife (28F), a busy medical resident, feel more present in their baby’s life by staging milestones she missed. When the truth came to light, it shattered his wife’s trust and left her devastated. Read the full story below.
‘ My wife [28F] found out that my mother [59F] and I [28M] have been lying to her about our baby [0M] for months’
We had our son (now 11 months old) while my wife is in residency. She took a few weeks off before giving birth, and then went back to work a few months after, while I transitioned my hours to part-time so that I could stay at home and raise our son.
My mom moved in with us shortly after the birth in order to help out, which allows me to get in the few hours of work per day and also not get swamped with taking care of the baby/housework.
he’s quite old-fashioned and would definitely not prefer this arrangement with me being a stay-at-home dad, but she hasn’t said anything to either of us and has been a great help. For anyone unfamiliar with medical residency, it is *brutal*. My wife has just over a year left.
Sometimes she comes and goes for 1-3 days and our son is asleep the whole time she’s home, which has been happening more as his sleep schedule shifted to sleeping through the night. My mom and I make sure that when she’s home and the baby is awake, my wife gets him 100%.
I know it’s been hard on her, but unfortunately it’s just going to be this way for another year. The first big milestone she missed was him rolling over. When she got home, my mom pulled her over to the baby all excited. I thought she was going to tell her, but instead she says “Julie, you came home right on time!
He’s been moving about as if he’s going to roll over!” They both stood there encouraging him, and right on cue he rolls. My wife was *elated*. She was so worried and guilty about not being there and she took it as proof that she can still be a present mother while working.
So we continued. I send texts over little things she misses through the day so that it’s not completely unbelievable, but my wife has been ‘present’ for every single BIG milestone. He coincidentally started crawling with her right there, his first words were in front of her, and he began standing, cruising, and walking when she happened to be home.
The walking one was difficult- there was a tough 7 day stretch where she just wasn’t home during the daytime when he was awake, and his walking went from teetering to walking a couple steps pretty confidently in that time.
We put little beanbags in one of his pants pockets so he’d be wobbly and unbalanced and it looked believable since he fell after the first step like he was doing a week ago. Yes, it was mean to our poor son but my wife’s face was worth it.
Today it all unravelled. So far he can just say ‘mama’, ‘dada’ and ‘nana’. Yesterday he started saying ‘bye-bye’. My wife has today off and has been home all morning. My mom and I have been trying to get him to say bye all day without giving it away that we already know he can say bye.
Successfully got him to say bye to the ducks at the park, and we both gushed over his newest word the whole way home. My wife was using my phone to take pictures of him and began showing my mom at home while telling her about his newest word acquisition.
She was swiping through my gallery and saw a video from yesterday and goes “oh you never sent me this one!” It was literally like a slow motion film happening in front of my eyes. I had taken the video of him yesterday waving bye-bye.
My wife isn’t an i**ot. She figured the whole ruse out pretty much instantly. I’ve never seen her look so upset and heartbroken before. I couldn’t say or do anything to comfort her. Now she’s locked herself in the bathroom crying and won’t come out. I’m on our bed hoping someone can please tell me what to do to make this better..
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
antioxidantal − Oh god the title read as if you and your mom had a baby together and I was like dying so this didn’t seem as bad after thinking that
NesYo35 − OH MAN, this is a very different story from the one the title suggested it would be! Your intentions here are very, very kind, but lying to protect your wife’s feelings is still lying.
It sounds like your wife is feeling some guilt or ambivalence about not being able to spend as much time with your baby as she wishes she could, and pretending that she is a part of all his firsts isn’t ultimately going to help her deal with those feelings.
You need to be honest with her and give her the space to feel whatever she feels about this – but she also needs to understand that a LOT of working parents deal with the same disappointment she’s feeling, and come to terms with it.
leocadia − This is a difficult situation. Right now, my suggestion would be to give your wife space. She needs to process this. It’s hard, but the fact is that you can’t do anything to fix what she’s feeling.
Her emotions are incredibly heightened, not only from new motherhood but from stress and pressure, and they’re hers to ride out until she’s ready to be helped—and frankly, she might not want that help from you.
While I understand why you did what you did, and I see the love and compassion that fueled the choice, you and your mother were dishonest in a very complex and conspiratorial way. That’s simply it. And your wife, even if she also sees the love behind the choices you mad, has been impacted by your dishonesty.
She has been wronged. Right now, it’s most important that you don’t try to fix or chase away that feeling, because if you do, you will not lay a foundation to build up from this low and difficult point. Let your wife decide when she’s ready to talk and be helped, and what form that help will take. Give her that space.
OgusLaplop − Stop lying and start recording or live streaming these things to her.
[Reddit User] − Oof, your heart was in the right place, but I completely understand why she feels betrayed. She is probably just as angry as herself as she is upset with you. I can’t imagine how tough it would be for a new mom to be away from her infant so much,
she is probably carrying a tremendous amount of guilt despite knowing she’s going through residency for your family. I’d just give her space for now and when you talk, promise her that you’ll be transparent going forward.
NaviMinx − Doesn’t matter what your intentions were. Even tho they were good, you still lied.. Multiple times.. For months. And you probably would’ve continued to lie if she hadn’t found out I’m guessing?. Stop.. Lying.
BLsofnei − You are an awesome husband. Honestly. I don’t think this is about the movie clip at all. It is just that she feels guilt about being away so much. And seeing this on the phone made her questioning and doubting her motherhood, and probably made her realise the reality. But it is just what I am guessing here.
avocado__dip − Oh gosh, you all sound like you’re trying to do the best you can. I think it’s sweet that you and your mother are trying hard to make your wife feel less bad about being so busy with work. Lying is not black and white, you all have good intentions.
twelvedayslate − Man, OP. I can sympathize with why you lied – you don’t want your wife, the mother, to feel horrible about missing a milestone. But gosh… if I were her, I’d be devastated and angry and hurt.
You had good intentions, but you still lied. For months. That trust is eroded and it’ll be tough to get it back. I’d apologize and ask her what you can do.
hopingtothrive − Why on earth would you lie to your wife? A baby learns a new skill on their own timeline. No one would need to see every big moment especially if your child was in daycare. Your wife has a right to be pissed at you and your mother.
It’s hard to believe you would lie to your wife about something so small. And collaborate the lie with your mother. You have caused your wife a lot of anguish when she is already stressed from work and feeling guilty she can’t be home with her baby. It will take a while for her to trust you again. A long while.
Balancing compassion and honesty in relationships can be challenging, especially under unique pressures like medical residency. Was the husband’s intention understandable, or does the lie outweigh the sentiment? How would you rebuild trust in this situation? Share your thoughts below!
For those who want to read the next part: https://aita.pics/BJjgy