My wife (24F) paid our wedding photographer extra to not take any photos of her. We just got the photos back and I (25M) am so angry and hurt.

A Redditor recently discovered that his wife secretly paid their wedding photographer extra to ensure no pictures of her were taken. While she’s always been camera-shy.

This decision left him feeling hurt and robbed of memories from their special day. Now he’s grappling with his emotions and how to address their families’ requests for wedding photos. Read the full story below.

‘ My wife (24F) paid our wedding photographer extra to not take any photos of her. We just got the photos back and I (25M) am so angry and hurt.’

My wife has always been camera shy. When we first started dating she would delete any photograph I took of her. After a few years (we’ve been together 6 years total) she permitted a few if no one else saw them. She doesn’t have any social media accounts either.

We got married two weeks ago. We had a very small wedding and no honeymoon, but the wedding was really nice. My wife looked absolutely beautiful and happy. She doesn’t really dress up and this was the first time I had even seen her in a dress, so it was a welcome surprise.

The wedding photographer was a friend of hers, so she handled hiring him. We both agreed that we wanted candids instead of posed photos, so we told him to just take candids. When we got the photos earlier this week, they were great, but none of them had her in them.

She confessed that she paid him extra not to photograph her. She didn’t want to worry about someone taking pictures of her on her special day. Our families are asking for wedding pictures and I don’t know what to tell them. Also, I’m really mad myself and I can’t seem to let this go, even though it’s been a couple days. What do I do?

My wife apologized for hurting my feelings, but she doesn’t really understand how upset this made me. I wanted a picture of my wife to remember how she looked on that special day. Is that too much to ask?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

[Reddit User] −  I think you need to get your wedding clothes back on and have some shots of the two of you. To actually pay someone to not take any pictures of you on your wedding day suggests she has serious psychological issues about having her picture taken. This isn’t normal. I strongly suggest professional help.

lollappaloosa −  Yeah, dude my Mom was like that too. She yelled at me as a kid of I tried to get a picture of her at Christmas or whatever…it sucked. Now I’m 40 and she’s been dead for 6 years, I literally have 3 pictures of her, 1 being her Senior picture from high school,

1 that I managed to sneak (which isn’t good, and she would have made me destroy, and 1 of her in her work uniform. This is a symptom of a much larger problem. Mainly her total lack of self esteem.

She used to make me cut her hair because hair dressers were for “pretty people”. Trust me, no matter how often she complimented, her body issues rubbed off. Get her into therapy, before you have kids.

translucentxx −  If your wife’s photographer friend is a professional, he might’ve ignored her requests as a precaution and taken pictures of her anyway, but just didn’t send them to you. Before you spend lots of money trying to recreate the night for new photos, make sure you call him up and talk to him on your own.

In the case that you do have to recreate them, I really don’t see the shame in it. What your wife did was super selfish, but once you’re able to get through the relationship issue here (everyone else seems to be posting good advice on that), you’ll still appreciate remade ones for the rest of your life.

clairebones −  Your wife isn’t ‘camera shy’ – she has a **severe** self esteem issue or a complete p**bia or people paying attention to her. It’s obvious that she feels she literally cannot relax or enjoy herself at all when there’s a possibility of her being photographed.

So **Step 1** – get your wife into therapy. She’ll say it’s fine, it’s not a big issue, but it is. You’ll want photos when you’re older. **Step 2** – reach out to your photographer. It’s possible they do have photos of your wife and simply didn’t send them to you since she specifically said she didn’t want them.

I’d be surprised if the photographer didn’t have a single photo on their film that included her, even at the side. **Step 3** – give the family the photos they want. They should still get to see the other photos, and when they ask about her presence in them, *she* must be very clear about why she isn’t there.

unicorn_pantaloons −  I’m camera shy, but I will s**k it up and and have photos taken of me. I tend to oblige a few shots, and then tell whoever is snapping to go away. That way, both are satisfied.

When I was a bridesmaid for a friend, there were TONS of photos of me. But we bridesmaids looked amazing, so that was ok. This is beyond camera shy, there is something *way* more serious going on here…

NoTraceNotOneCarton −  Your friends probably brought their phones and have a few pics of you if you ask.

Montaron87 −  Our families are asking for wedding pictures and I don’t know what to tell them. Also, I’m really mad myself and I can’t seem to let this go, even though it’s been a couple days. What do I do?

It might sound harsh, but that responsibility is entirely on her. And she shouldn’t throw her friend under the bus, that would be awful.
She needs to talk to a professional, this is a very serious issue if she’s goes as far as paying extra to be able to avoid certain things.

but she doesn’t really understand how upset this made me. Make sure she knows how much this hurt you, it sounds like she’s never really realised that her behaviour is damaging to other people.

[Reddit User] −  There’s a difference between “camera shy” and “pays the photographer behind your back not to photograph her.” I think she must have a serious self-esteem issue that you need to get to the bottom of. Maybe therapy ought to be an option.

As for dealing with your family, maybe you could give them a couple but say that the files on photographer’s SD card got corrupted so some of the photos including ones of the wife got lost (and add in that he reimbursed you generously so they don’t go slandering innocent photog).

Normally I would advocate honesty, but I don’t think telling them the truth would solve your issue here. Maybe in the future if you’re able to work past your wife’s self-image issues you can put on the tux and the dress, hair, makeup etc.

and go somewhere pretty and hire a photographer and take some new pictures. No it won’t be your actual wedding, but at least it’d be something.

whenifeellikeit −  Your wife has crippling self-image issues. To the extent that she would rather ruin your wedding photos than improve them. That must be addressed.

pocket_cucco −  This is something your wife should have spoken to you about and the fact that she lied to you is not okay. However, as someone with crippling BDD and self-esteem issues I can understand your wife’s reluctance to have pictures taken. If I see photos of myself that others have taken I have panic attacks and cry.

I’ve hurt myself over pictures before and my recovery from self-esteem issues has been greatly damaged by viewing photos of myself that have been taken by others. In fact,

my anxiety about appearing in photographs is so intense that I worry that I will be unable to marry my SO at all because I literally cannot cope with having my picture taken and being the focus of attention at something like my own wedding is my worst nightmare.

This being said, I am aware that this is not healthy and I’m seeking help. Your wife needs to do the same. By lying about this instead of speaking to you about it and managing to come to some sort of agreement

(for example a few pictures of you both on the day under circumstances that would make her the least uncomfortable) your wife has broken your trust. I think you need to speak to her about how much this has hurt you and encourage her to seek help for these issues as they wont get better otherwise.

Would you feel hurt if your partner excluded themselves from such a significant event? How would you handle preserving memories when one person avoids the spotlight? Share your thoughts and advice below!