My Teen Daughters Threw a Party Against My Wishes, Leaving Our Home in Shambles – How Do I Handle This?
A Reddit user (46F) shares her frustration and dilemma after her teenage daughters (18F, 17F) threw a massive house party while she and her husband were away, despite being explicitly told not to. The house was left in chaos,
with items of great sentimental and financial value damaged, strangers sleeping over, and dried vomit staining the carpet. Now, the user is seeking advice on how to approach disciplining her daughters appropriately. Read the original story below:
‘ My Teen Daughters Threw a Party Against My Wishes, Leaving Our Home in Shambles – How Do I Handle This?’
We got back in early this morning, a few hours early, sink full of dishes, some pictures and other items were missing from where they would normally be, my husband found them in garbage bags in the pool shed, there was dried vomit on the carpet upstairs. A couple people we didn’t know were sleeping in our house, my youngest daughter was out cold with a hangover and so was my oldest daughter.
My husband and I tried to clean as much as we could and we sent the girls off to school before going to work. I can’t even express how f**king pissed off I am. My husband and I allow our daughters leeway as long as they maintain their grades and don’t do really stupid things (Like throwing a party they were told not to).
My youngest daughters excuse was that it was her best friends birthday and they wanted to surprise her and my older daughter called some friends who invited more people over and apparently it all snowballed from there. What is an appropriate way to punish my daughters over this?
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
sinnersense − Should have had them clean it up for a start
orangekitti − That totally blows OP. In my opinion, teens who trash their parents’ houses do so because they don’t understand how much work goes into purchasing and maintaining a home. They just don’t have the life experience to really appreciate the things they take for granted, like turning on a light and having it work because mom and dad paid the electric bill.
Do they work? I think the best way you can teach them a lesson is to make them earn however much it would be to pay for damages. I might even demand that they cover a month’s worth of expenses for the house (mortgage, groceries, bills, etc), so they can really feel how heavy home ownership is, and put a number to the costs of living.
If it takes them weeks or months to be able to pay that debt, all the better, because they can know that their sweat and time was wasted on the destructive party and they could have used all that money for something better. Instead of grounding them, this would probably be a much more lasting lesson.
dja537 − My husband and I tried to clean as much as we could. For starters, they should have to clean the whole house while you both sit there and watch with a glass of wine!
cardinal29 − This isn’t a charming episode of a sitcom or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. This should have very serious consequences for the daughters. Nearby suburb story: after a house party like this, one drunk teenager walked home by trying to cross the highway. She was struck by a car and killed.
**Parents were arrested** for allowing underage drinking inside their home under a county “Social Host Law.” Entire community has turned against the family, parents are pariahs everywhere they go, facing both criminal prosecution and a civil suit brought by the grieving parents of the dead girl. Last I heard they where losing their house under the burden of their legal defense.
gooberfaced − Cut off allowances to pay for damages. No new *anything* for at least three months. I’d also remove or severely restrict their access to TV, internet, and cell phone plans. Any costly extra-curricular activities would be canceled. If they have cars I’d restrict that as well. IMO this is extreme disregard for the property of another person- I would make the consequences *terrible.” ALL leeway is now gone.
kah43 − See the first thing my parents would have done when they got home was yell for me and my brother to get our asses out of bed right now and get in there. We would have gotten yelled at right then and told to clean this mess up right now hangover or not.
You cleaning everything up and now being so wishy washy about their punishment is not doing any favors. Quit trying to be nice and not hurt their precious little feelings and lay the hammer down on them unless you want them to learn that they can be assholes like that with no consequences.
shadytree1 − Make them clean up anything left to clean. Make a list of everything broke and missing. Make them pay to replace everything that can be replaced. Make them listen to you tell them about the items that are irreplaceable, what those items meant to you and how heartbroken you are to lose them. Should go without saying, but don’t trust them with anything anymore. They don’t deserve it. Trust has to be earned.
PaperbagRider − I’d make them go through the trash and take inventory of everything broken and damaged and have them pay for it out of their funds, for starters.
Then I would have them buy the proper cleaning supplies and rent a carpet cleaner and make the house spotless.
The entire house. You cleaned up for them already, which you shouldn’t have done. Though I understand that you may have had to do at least something to deal with some of the mess. I’d consider family therapy and AA meetings. I know all kids push limits.
Having a few friends over on a Saturday is one thing. Getting shitfaced and having a house full of hungover teenagers on a school night is pretty extreme. This didn’t just come out of nowhere.
Beyond that, I’d make sure they go to and from school and to work and school activities and nothing else until they earn back your trust. Slowly they earn more responsibility and privileges. You might also post to the parenting subreddits. And you and your husband need to be on the same page with all of this.
thruaways − Well if it were my parents they would have simply murdered me so…there’s that.
k_princess − Next time you leave town, leave them with a babysitter. Either leave them with a trusted friend/family member, or have that person stay at your house with them. And remind them why they need constant supervision.
Managing the aftermath of a broken trust can be as challenging as repairing the physical damage. This mother is torn between her anger and the need to teach her daughters a meaningful lesson. How would you approach disciplining them while ensuring they truly understand the consequences of their actions? Share your thoughts and advice below!