My sister thinks I’m not considering her ‘feelings’ while proposing? (26f) (28f)

A woman (26F) is planning to propose to her boyfriend (27M) at a beach that holds sentimental value for both of them. However, her sister (28F), who recently went through a painful breakup at that same beach, insists that she change the proposal location.

The sister accuses her of being selfish and not considering her feelings, leading to tension between the two. The woman feels conflicted but is determined to go ahead with her plan. Read on to see how the situation unfolds and how others have reacted.

‘ My sister thinks I’m not considering her ‘feelings’ while proposing? (26f) (28f)’

So I (26f) am planning to propose to my boyfriend(27m) . We’ve been dating for 4 years now and he’s the most important person in my life. We’ve discussed marriage, he was very eager to propose and has been saving money for some time I think.

He’s an artist and doesn’t make quite as much but he’s way too proud to let me pitch in. Well around last month , his mom had a surgery. I won’t go into details but it costed his parents quite a lot (she doesn’t have insurance idk why).

He transferred them money from his own savings as well but didn’t tell me that (I even offered to help) That day I found him crying in our room. He told me all this and kept on apologising that the money he was saving for the ring had to go into helping his mom and now he can’t propose on our anniversary as he was planning to.

It was so heartbreaking for me to see him like this tbh. I don’t give a damn about that ring?!? I want to marry this guy and I’d have done that in a courthouse if he’d agree. I told him all of that. But for him things like these are important.

I actually kind of yelled at him as well for worrying about the wrong reason lol. He told me to give him some time as he wants to get me the best he can. Well I’ve decided to propose on our anniversary. I’m doing it on a beach we used to visit a lot as kids, back in our hometown. I’m picking up the ring next week.

Here comes my sister (28f). She’s had multiple failed relationships and still lives with our parents. She saw me looking at a ring photo when she was visiting me this Christmas so I told her I was planning to propose at the beach. She went silent for a minute and asked me if i was kidding her.

Apparently she caught her boyfriend of two years with someone else on that same beach and hates that place now. I wasn’t aware of this. This breakup was in September and back then she told me he was cheating and left her. She now wants me to cancel this whole thing and do it somewhere else.

I admit, when her relationship ended, she took it pretty hardly. We all liked him and my sister was convinced he was the one so the breakup was really bad for her. Yes it sucks what happened to her but I don’t know why should that affect my plans?

Me and my bf visit that place everytime we’re there and it holds some importance to both of us. She’s now calling me selfish and how I only want to hurt her by reminding her of that trauma. She then proceeds to talk about my boyfriend and how he can’t propose and should be ashamed.

I shut that down quickly and told her to drop that topic. The rest of the day she was moody and when she left, she was crying and called me heartless. She’s now texting me and saying me getting engaged isn’t important enough and I need to change the destination. I need advice on how to deal with her?

Am I really in the wrong here? All I know is I’m not changing the location whether I’m wrong or not. I’m kind of guilty but that’s just because we’ve been close since we were kids and I don’t really want to hurt her. Should I comfort her or something or is she being unreasonable? Also she lives with our parents and we’re close too so cutting her off isn’t an option.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

lihzee −  This is very controlling of her. You’re allowed to continue having happy memories at a place you love, even if she had something awful happen to her there. She doesn’t have to attend your proposal.

It sucks that this happened to her, but if she has trauma because of it, to the point that *other people* in her family should not go to the place that infidelity occurred, she should start therapy.

TheBronzePrincess03 −  Your proposal and engagement are not about her. Period. It would be best if you can find a way to tell her this assertively yet compassionately. She’s not going to be present I assume, and she can avoid looking at any pictures you share if it’s going to upset her.

_somazingg −  Yeah it sucks for her. Good thing your engagement isn’t about her. What’s next? You can’t get a dog because she was once bitten by one? You can’t swim because she almost once drowned? Like you’ve said in a comment that she’s acted entitled in the past as well, this isn’t your problem.

She needs to deal with her feelings about this. As long as she’s not causing problems like telling your boyfriend , you don’t have to worry about this. Make sure she doesn’t know anymore that she already does. I hope your proposal goes well, your boyfriend is really lucky!

[Reddit User] −  The location of your proposal/engagement is special to you and your boyfriend – that is what matters. In general it’s a good thing to be considerate of the feelings of the people you know within reason but I don’t think this request from your sister is reasonable.

She has a bad experience with this location, not you. You shouldn’t be asked to change plans because your sister had a bad time one at a spot that you weren’t even aware of until after your plans were made. I don’t actually think she’s upset about the location itself.

She’s upset that her younger sister is “lapping” her in relationships. She’s upset that while her last relationship had ended badly yours is growing and moving forward positively. Instead of addressing her own feelings of envy and insecurity she’s redirecting it at you in an attempt to make your relationship milestone less meaningful for you and your boyfriend.

If you were to change plans for her then where would it stop? Right now it’s to change a location because her boyfriend was caught cheating there (a key fact unknown to everyone until now). What happens when you make wedding planning decisions that have some significance to her and her failed relationships?

Can’t have a specific caterer because they got Italian food one time together? Flowers being banned because he tried to apologize to her with them? Her skipping your wedding altogether because it reminds her of what she might have had? Everyone experiences loss and painful moments on their life.

It’s on that person to cope with them and the fact that life continues on, especially where others are concerned. Time for your sister to grow up and be happy for you or at least pretend to be. As for dealing with her it’s best to be direct and firm.

Tell her that you’re going through with your plans and while you understand it’s a painful location for her it is important to your relationship. Tell her that she doesn’t need to be involved with your proposal and won’t be exposed to that location.

At the end of the day the proposal will very quickly become overshadowed by wedding planning and a wedding so the only people who will look back on your engagement are you and your hopefully soon to be fiancé.

pocketrocket-0 −  What would happen if she caught him cheating in target? You’re not allowed to go there any more? She’s off her rocker

Ladyughsalot1 −  So, your sister is being ridiculously self centered.. That said: It sounds really important to your bf to propose to you. On his terms. I would really have a conversation about how he feels about a non-traditional proposal because I think, with how he reacted to not having the ring he had in mind, you’re possibly taking something away from him.

[Reddit User] −  What’s next? You are not allowed to date anyone at all because she was let down once?

oranges214 −  OP, this is neither here nor there but just in case if your boyfriend and his mom don’t know it yet: if you don’t have health insurance and are paying for medical bills out of pocket, usually just by stating that you’re paying out of pocket without insurance, they can drop the bill by something like 30%.

In addition, hospitals and clinics have other payment aid plans that are definitely worth looking into. Don’t pay the bill in full before trying all these things out to reduce it.

Unrigg3D −  When my partner and I got married, we chose this little park close to our home, very cute, nobody ever goes there and it has some stone structures that would be beautiful. It’s near an area my partner grew up so it was sentimental to them as well.

On the day of our wedding, we noticed there’s a couple near the stone structures but far enough that it didn’t affect us. As our wedding day moved forward, we watched as they basically went through a sequence to break up.

The wedding ended with us happy cleaning up and leaving while they left sorrowful in tears. There’s always gonna be bad things happening but this is about you not your sister and it would be selfish of her to not see that.. Good luck and congratulations!

[Reddit User] −  She doesn’t own the emotional rights to that beach. She’s absurd and selfish and fucked up. Tell her to her face: “This is not about *you*. Be happy for me or be quiet.”