My sister (37F) accuses me (22F) of favoring my nephew (9M) over my niece (9F)?

A 22-year-old woman is caught in a family conflict after planning a Harry Potter-themed birthday trip for her nephew, Ben (9M), to Universal Studios. Her sister Michelle, whose daughter Lily (9F) isn’t invited, accuses her of favoritism and demands an equally expensive gift for Lily’s upcoming birthday.

The disagreement has caused tension between the sisters, with one even disparaging the other’s child. Read on to learn more about the situation and the challenges involved in navigating family dynamics and fairness.

‘ My sister (37F) accuses me (22F) of favoring my nephew (9M) over my niece (9F)?’

Background: I have two sisters: “Anna” (38F) and “Michelle” (37F). Yes, I was a surprise baby. Michelle has one daughter, “Lily” (9F). Anna and her husband had difficulty conceiving and adopted “Ben” (9M) from foster care when he was 3. Anna later had two more sons: “Gabriel” (5M) and “Lucas” (2M).

I enjoy spending time with my niblings, but I do admit that Ben and I have more in common (comics, video games, etc) than Lily and I do. Recently, Ben got into Harry Potter. He has dyslexia, but he loves listening to the audiobook versions. I also love Harry Potter. For his 10th birthday, I am planning to take him to Universal Studios to see all the Harry Potter stuff.

Recently, Michelle overheard me and Anna discussing this surprise. She was furious, accused me of favoritism, and demanded that I take Lily, too. Lily hates thrill rides and Harry Potter and would be miserable on the trip. I also don’t want to spend all that money on someone who wouldn’t enjoy it.

When I took Ben and Lily to a local amusement park this summer, all Lily wanted to do was sit on a bench and watch YouTube. Michelle told me that if I don’t take Lily, I should do something equally expensive for her tenth birthday, which is a month after Ben’s. She then asked why I would want to spend time with Ben and that he is annoying.

Ben does have some issues resulting from the abuse before he was adopted (separation anxiety, learning disability, and he acts a little immature sometimes), but Lily’s not perfect either. She’s whiny and doesn’t really have interests outside of YouTube and clothes. Anna got mad at Michelle for dissing her kid, and now they’re mad at each other.

What should I do? The Universal trip is already paid for, and I don’t think I have to (and can’t afford to) give Lily an equally expensive present, as I’m still a student.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

relmamanick −  You don’t have to do something equally expensive, but can you plan a day outing around her interests, so she has her day with you, too? I do think her Mom is right that such blatant favoritism is going to be hurtful. I would try to find things to connect with her over, too.

DiTrastevere −  I have already bought Lily an American Girl doll and a gift card to Justice to give to her on her birthday, both things she really wants. This is great, and plenty for this year’s birthday.. But. It’s not all about “stuff,” and I think you’re well aware of that. Sure, you’re under less pressure than these kids’ parents to not play favorites, but these kids are also *nine*. “Well, [cousin] and I just connect better” is lost on them.

You can treat them differently, but not disproportionately. Maybe Lily isn’t into Harry Potter and comic books, but you could easily meet her where she is – she likes clothes? Maybe you could take a day to help her put together an amazing Halloween costume. She’s into YouTube?

Find out which YouTubers she likes and see if there will be any meet-and-greets you could take her to next year. There are ways to be a fun aunt without breaking the bank or making anyone feel overlooked/left out. Part of loving people, and especially children, is occasionally doing things that *they* enjoy, even if those things don’t thrill you.

That said: yes, your sister is being jealous and ridiculous. There’s a valid point in there somewhere under all the layers of resentment, but let’s not overlook that she *is* being a j**k about this. Don’t make the kids pay for her shittiness, but DO make it clear to her that s**t-talking her nephew does nothing to help her daughter, and is guaranteed to damage your respect for her if she keeps it up. That needs to stop *now*.

Usrname52 −  More expensive doesn’t mean better. It wouldn’t be “equal” to take them both to Harry Potter world….giving Ben something that he’d love and Lily something that she wouldn’t enjoy. You can, if you want, (don’t have to) express that you’d love to bond with Lily more,

with things she might enjoy more ….when you give her the gift card, take her shopping, watch YouTube videos with her, maybe like a “girl’s day manicure). But, for the most part, I’d just ignore your sister. Tell her “I want to go to Harry Potter, and found someone who loves the books to go with me”.

DoodleDandyGal −  I’m honestly not sure about this one. They’re both young and I can imagine how it might be hurtful for a 9 year old to see her cousin who is the same age get to go somewhere super cool like that and not be able to also have something fun or some sort of bonding experience.

Idk if this is feasible but my grandparents would take each of us on a special trip for our 13th bday. It would be nice to take both of them somewhere this year or next, and then the others to something fun like a beach trip or something when they’re of age. Of course I know this is not financially feasible for most young people, just an idea!

[Reddit User] −  Based on these comments I’m in the minority but it’s been apparent my whole life that my uncle prefers his other niece over me. She and I are only a year apart and quite frankly it f**king hurts to this day. I have no idea why but it likely has to do with the fact that he and my dad have not had the best relationship throughout their lives but they still talk and see each other so I don’t know.

When I got my masters he said nothing, when she got hers he posted all over FB about it. He also never forgets her birthday but has forgotten mine 2 years in a row. I’m an adult now so I try not to let it bother me but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t. So yeah you taking him on an expensive trip and not doing something big for her?

Trust me, she’ll notice. You’ll probably be fine as long as it’s not just another example in a pattern of favouritism but honestly aunts/uncles like this s**k. When I got engaged I swore to my fiancé we would never let our siblings kids feel like I did growing up.

thedarkestbeer −  You don’t have to give Lily an equally expensive present! You should do something for her birthday to show her you care, as I’m sure you will, but you are allowed to invite one nibling to an activity that you think he’d particularly enjoy. Good grief.

TheHatOnTheCat −  I feel like Michelle undercut herself by being so unkind about Ben. It’s not okay to insult a child because you are feeling hurt. It makes sense that Anna is angry at Michelle for saying you shouldn’t even want to spend time with her child. It’s not your fault that argument started, just stay out of it.

The Universal trip is already paid for, so I think you should take Ben. It seems like this really would mean a lot to him. It sounds like he has a lot of struggles, and he’s very lucky to have a young cool adult role model he has common interests with he is close to. It’s true, Lily might feel hurt. She might notice that you favor Ben. But it sounds like you do favor Ben?

You have more in common with him and you guys spend more quality time together. Also, it sounds like you have a better rapport with Ben and he tries more in your relationship then Lilly does? For example if you take someone on an outing and they ignore you for their phone the whole time, you aren’t going to have fun and want to take them again.

At family events, how much do each Ben and Lily seek you out or engage you in conversation? I think that an American Girl Doll *and* a shopping gift certificate is an extremely generous gift from a student, or really any aunt or uncle. You don’t owe Lily a comparably expensive gift, and if you did you would all the other younger siblings too.

That sounds like something you can’t afford. My suggestion would be either give Lily what you already bought her, or return the American Girl doll and use the money to have a “shopping date” with Lily where you use the gift certificate and go out to lunch together, maybe find a cheap place to get nails done at a mall that has the Justice store.

Have a set budget in your mind and don’t go over it, so pick out the nail salon and package first, go to the food court or a restaurant you know and know is affordable to you, ect. Though I guess my question is, would Lily actually like that better? Does she enjoy hanging out with you?

BobRawrley −  Michelle is approaching this very poorly and with jealousy, but she’s got a point. I understand that you have more fun with Ben than you do with Lily, but if you care about not appearing to have a favorite, this is something you have to address. There seems to be a lot of emotion (and judgement) among the adults tied up in this debate, and I think you’re guilty of it as well.

You clearly don’t want to spend time with Lily as much as you do Ben. Try to take a step back and look at from the perspective of being a good aunt to these kids, Michelle and and Anna be damned. Your goal here should be to show both kids that you care about them, even if you do have more in common with Ben.

0biterdicta −  You don’t have to get an equally expensive present. You aren’t getting anything for Ben’s younger siblings. At the same time, the trip really does show some clear favouritism.

princessfoxglove −  You are getting a lot of criticism from people who seem really fixated on your preference for the kid with the interests, to the point of being accused of sexism.
I just wanted to point out that it’s completely fine to prefer the kid who is engaged and aware and doesn’t complain all the time about being bored.

It honestly sounds like the niece is an unpleasant kid to be around and the nephew is a genuinely interested kid. This happens with kids. Ask anyone who works with them I will be perfectly honest. I am a teacher and while I approach all kids with respect and like them for who they are, the kids who are screen junkies are tough to engage with and they consistently choose to have a negative attitude towards anything that is not their video game or YouTuber.

I will try to meet them on their terms to an extent by trying to incorporate their interests but there’s a like between engaging at their level and pandering to the tyrrany of screen addiction. I don’t pander, and I don’t accept poor behaviour choices.

If your niece is one of these kids, at nine, she is choosing her level of engagement with others and knows enough to be making choices about her behaviour. If she is consistently choosing to have a fixed mindset of “I’m bored and everything sucks” it’s extremely important that she sees that there are consequences to this attitude.

If she is being ungrateful during things you plan for her, be explicit about how it makes you feel and explain that when she says she’s bored, you don’t want to continue making plans like this for her. She needs to be taught empathy.

Part of that might be seeing the consequences of her choices – seeing that the level of engagement she puts out has an effect on others. You can do this without comparing her to her cousin. But do let her see the effects of her disengagement and be explicit about their effects and consequences.