My SIL announced her engagement shortly after ours and wore an exact replica of my ring and I need help navigating my feelings

A woman (28F) is struggling with her feelings after her fiancé’s sister (SIL) announced her engagement and wore an engagement ring identical to the one her fiancé had picked out for her. The SIL has a history of trying to one-up her brother, and this incident has caused a significant amount of frustration and disappointment.

While the woman is trying to stay composed and focus on her own happiness, both she and her fiancé are upset by the situation. She seeks advice on how to handle her emotions and navigate future interactions with her SIL.

‘ My SIL announced her engagement shortly after ours and wore an exact replica of my ring and I need help navigating my feelings’

I’d appreciate any advice on how to approach the situation or behave from here on out. My fiancé Steve asked for my hand in marriage and our wedding will be this summer. Naturally we’re both very excited and have been for the past months.

We’ve been together for eight years and have gone trough college together, travelled the world and have cultivated a large but close friend group we’re very happy with. He has a sister who has always kinda felt like a “one-upper” to him. In the past I’ve tried to be the voice of reason.

She was kind of lonely, didn’t have many friends and one past painful relationship. So we have tried to include her, patch up the relationship and so on but it never really became a close relationship. The reasons why have always been there looking back.

She either acts jealous towards me or he announces anything special – she has to one up him, be the center of attention etc. He says it has always been this way – even back when they were children.

There is this weird unspoken competition between her and everybody else in the family where she is always trying to belittle another person or steal the show. Needless to say it has become quite annoying but so far neither of us have lost their temper with her.

A few days ago at a family get together, they were drinking wine and cheering and his sister and her new partner of 1,5 years announce their engagement out of nowhere seemingly, just shy of a month after moving to the city together.

We’re happy, smiling, trying to push away the weird gut feeling that comes creeping up. But then – we both catch a glimpse of her ring finger and suspect they copied our ring. After a while it sank in – it is an exact copy of the engagement ring her brother had carefully picked out for me.

We tried to take the high road, congratulated but soon thereafter left for our house. In the past few days both of us have been very upset, disappointed, angry and we are also weirded out by it and incredibly put off.

I am trying to contain myself, I am telling myself that it’s only a materialistic thing and if she’s found happiness we should be sharing that – but on the inside I am fuming and so is my fiancé.. ​

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

DaniMW −  This is not a problem unless you make it one. Perhaps she is trying to copy you to annoy you. But if you just ignore it and don’t let it bother you, it will not bother you. If she truly is that pathetically competitive, you should feel sorry for her as she has mental health problems. But you should not let this make you develop a competitive streak yourself.

happybanana134 −  I’d like some more information:  how ‘shortly’ after your engagement did they announce theirs? tell me about your ring; did your fiancé design this or buy from a jewellers?

petit_cochon −  6 months isn’t “shortly after” and many engagement rings have similar styles, even custom ones. People often see jewelry, clothes, home decor someone else has and decide they like it. Gently, your wedding or engagement are yours but they don’t need to be unique in every aspect.

I really wouldn’t stress this. It’s her life, her engagement, and her future marriage. Same for you. Enjoy your engagement and don’t get too deep into the weeds of fraught family relationships.

In my experience, it does no good and only distracts you from your own happiness. If she’s a pill, limit contact. Congratulations, by the way! May your marriage be long and happy.

Lulu_42 −  Most engagement rings fit three types, as far as I can see. It’s entirely possible this is a coincidence, unless your ring is super unique. And I find it wildly unlikely someone is out there getting married to one-up you. She just wanted to get married on her timetable.

So I wouldn’t let it bother me if I were you. If anyone else comments (and they won’t, because no one else notices wedding rings), you can say “Yeah, I guess she really liked the way it looked?” and let the listener draw their own conclusions.

If you can get an unbiased person to genuinely believe this is a game of one-upmanship, and it’s not just you two seeing coincidences (it’s not unusual for people of the same age range to hit major milestones around the same time), then I’d keep her on an information diet.

Inconceivable76 −  Look, even if you are right, so what? People that enter into one sided competition with someone else are insecure people. laugh about it as couple, shrug it off, pity her for being like this, whatever. But, if you get upset and righteous about it, you are entering the competition. Is that what you really want?

fiery_valkyrie −  It’s impossible to make a judgement on the rings without seeing them, but based on what you say here it seems like you were determined to be pissed off at her no matter what. If she’s been with her partner for a year and a half, that’s hardly a new relationship.

Plenty of people get engaged within that time frame. I thought you were going to say they’d been together a month or something. Also, I don’t know what you mean by saying they announced their engagement out of nowhere. Was she supposed to drop a bunch of hints first?

The fact that someone you’re not close to got engaged without you knowing about it first seems like a perfectly normal state of affairs. Lastly, how long have you been engaged? You don’t specify but it’s at least several months.

Is nobody else allowed to get engaged just because you did? How long are people required to put their lives on hold so that you don’t think they’re copying you? I’m not seeing anything in your post to support your opinion that she’s doing any of this to one-up you, or steal the spotlight from you.

2SadSlime −  What is it about engagements/weddings that makes people completely lose their s**t? This is a total non-issue, you and your fiancé need to chill and just worry about yourselves

dolphiya_or_parateen −  6 months isn’t ‘shortly after yours’ and why do you care if she has a similar ring? Most engagement rings look pretty similar.

probably-mean −  Please describe the rings. Pavé band, solitaire, white/yellow gold, diamond cut, carat. Some ring styles are just really trendy, and as someone who had worked in the wedding industry, I’ve often seen the same ring multiple times, just completely coincidentally.

I don’t doubt your suspicions are correct. It’s just hard to judge without more info

TheBattyWitch −  I feel like reading your comments you’re making a problem when you don’t need to. You’ve allowed yourself to be ripped in to this competition and you’re looking for a slight and for drama instead of firmly ignoring it.