My pregnant wife had an outsized reaction over a gift I meant for her. AITAH for using it myself instead?

A Reddit user asked if he was wrong for using a foot massager himself after his pregnant wife rejected it as a gift. The user bought the massager to help his wife relax and to alleviate his own fatigue from daily foot massages, but she had an intense emotional reaction, feeling hurt and rejected.

When her response escalated into anger and silence, he decided to use the massager for himself, framing it as a way to prioritize his needs. Read the full story below to explore both sides of this tense situation.

‘ My pregnant wife had an outsized reaction over a gift I meant for her. AITAH for using it myself instead?’

My wife is in her second trimester. She asks for foot massages daily after I come home from work while we watch her favourite show together. She really likes spending our time that way but it’s starting to wear me out. I also want to do something to unwind after work because I know this won’t be forever and baby will take most of our energies when she comes.

So this time I bought a foot massager for my wife as a holiday present for Black Friday and she got extremely upset when I gave it to her. She cried and said I was turning my back on her and she’d rather appreciate I work to make her body feel good rather than some machine. I could tell that she felt that me massaging her after work while she curls up on the couch to watch TV makes her feel closer to me, and when I tried validating her feelings, I also said that we can bond in other ways that doesn’t make me feel drained every day.

She wasn’t having it and kept arguing and chasing me around when I tried to get away from her constant chiding. She started hyperventilating and crying, but it didn’t seem genuine to me and I was also mad at her for outright assuming bad intentions when there was really just good intent and meaning behind my gift. At some point it felt like her reaction was more about wanting to punish me rather than a genuine expression of her feelings.

I told her I am taking space until she calms down and gets a hold of herself, and that I won’t prefer to have a conversation in the state she was currently in when she probably won’t think twice before hurting me with her words. This seemed to have the opposite effect and she got even more angry before I closed the door on her from our guest room.

The next day she just is treating me with silence. I didn’t feel like “earning” her attention was even worth it because even though she’s doing the lion’s share of effort in expanding our family I matter too.

So I hooked up the machine, curled up on the couch with _my_ favourite show and began using the massager myself. Maybe I was being petty but I wanted to show her that if she can’t appreciate my thought behind a gift for her, I’ll still keep on valuing myself. She just looked so shocked.

I wanted to show her that my sense of self worth is not solely tied to my her acceptance of those gestures. I consider myself a strong willed person, and refuse to let her r**ection undermine my own confidence in my decisions. I no longer felt comfortable with abandoning my needs to meet hers and wanted to prioritise myself.

It was more about reclaiming things than anything. In my POV, her reaction really crossed the line and I refuse to let her emotional outbursts dictate my actions. And by not consoling her I didn’t want to send the message that I’m rewarding behaviours I perceive as excessive or m**ipulative.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

canadagooses62 −  Yeah, this is tough. Because you aren’t wrong for lots of reasons: you’re not wrong for wanting to be able to relax after work, you’re not wrong for buying her something that will actually do the thing she has made you think that she wants, and you’re not wrong for being confused about all of this.

In my expert opinion as Just Some Guy, it wasn’t really about the foot massages at all. It might have been about you tending to her and being a part of the whole pregnancy experience. Because as men, there isn’t a WHOLE lot we can do to alleviate any of it, especially at this point.

So ask yourself: “am I being attentive?” It may just be that she just wants your attention and involvement. Were these massages the biggest thing you do for her during this time? I’m not accusing and I certainly don’t know anything about you. But take a look at how you have been interacting with her.

lamettler −  FYI… never in the history of mankind will telling a woman to “calm down” have the effect you seem to desire. Triply so if she is pregnant.. And no, it doesn’t matter why.

PrestigiousCake2653 −  NTA. I’m 8 months pregnant, high risk pregnancy, very stressful on my body. I frequently ask my husband for massages but never get upset if the answer is no for whatever reason. He bought me a prenatal massage for my birthday and I was so grateful, it was fantastic! Him doing the massage for me himself literally doesn’t matter, just that he sees what I’m going through physically to grow our family and that he does what he can to help minimize that.

Pregnancy is not an excuse to be regularly emotionally or mentally harsh or dismissive of your partner. Your solution was fair and her reaction is childish.

irate-erase −  You’re not an a**hole, but it seems like she’s not communicating her need for touch. You can still rub her arm and hold her hand while she’s getting the nice foot rub so she can have the strong foot rubs while you don’t have to exert yourself quite so much. The preg hormones do be going so hard tho. Strength to you both lol.

Livid_Geologist8289 −  ESH, but if massaging her feeet while sitting on the sofa watching telly is draining you’re in for a heck of a shock.

FixRevolutionary6980 −  I’m also in my second trimester. I’m answering this as a pregnant woman, not as the normal woman from 26 weeks prior. I think she’s overreacting, but I think you were short-sighted and a bit naive with your attempts at problem solving here. (Pro tip: she’s not something to solve. She’s pregnant).

Pregnancy sucks. It’s uncomfortable. It changes your body, your brain, your feelings, your sanity. You just don’t feel attractive. I personally think I look like a whale, and it sucks. My husband tells me I’m beautiful. But I run to another room and cry and get upset because he can’t be telling the truth. He’s just sweet and amazing and loves me…. She likely feels like crap.

She probably feels like she looks like crap too.. All she wants is to feel like a normal woman who can be close to her husband, and instead, you found a device to come between that. It may not he rationale, but it’s what it is.

batwing71 −  Dude, its not about the footrubs. Its about the Time together.

Goat_Circus −  Truthfully, you both are acting a little silly and should really figure that out before your child is born. Think things are difficult now, buckle up… when you are not sleeping and have another human to focus on neither one of you will be able to be selfish or it will destroy your marriage.

My suggestion is you both sit down and have some honest conversations and maybe some counseling. Figure out how to serve each other while also taking time for self care. If you can’t figure it out now, you likely are headed for bad things in the future! 

Altruistic-Tale-7996 −  ESH. Here’s the thing- she’s completely right about why you bought the foot massager. You bought it because you didn’t want to rub her feet anymore. She was justified and accurate in calling you out on that.

 I agree that she overreacted to the slight, which is why I’m saying ESH, but come on, would you appreciate a “gift” of an air fryer if you had a routine of her making you home cooked meals every night? The intent is clear.
Using it in front of her IS really petty.

You should have just talked to her about swapping up your nightly routine to be less physically demanding on you. You could have said “hey babe I love giving you massages but my hands are getting crampy. What do you think about a foot massage machine that you can use why I pet your hair (or whatever!)” 

007HalaMadrid007 −  “By not consoling her I didn’t want to send the message that I’m rewarding behaviours I perceive as excessive or m**ipulative.”. What is she, a dog? lol ffs.