my partner called me overweight and now i feel uncomfortable eating with them?

A Reddit user shares her emotional struggle after her boyfriend called her overweight, expressing concerns about her health and fitness. While she acknowledges the truth in his comments, they’ve deeply impacted her self-esteem, leaving her uncomfortable eating with him and questioning how to approach the situation. Read her full story below.

‘ my partner called me overweight and now i feel uncomfortable eating with them?’

i am 24F and my boyfriend is 26M. I am 5’6 and 198lbs. he is 5’4 and about 150lbs. i had joined the gym a few months ago for the first time. i was always nervous to join because of my anxiety but i eventually found the courage to go.

a couple months after , i started a new job and i slacked on going to the gym because i was always tired and drained after work (I know, not an excuse!!!). i know what i did was wrong. a few days ago my boyfriend asked me when i plan to start the gym again.

he told me that i gained weight since i met him (1.5 years ago) and that he’s scared im going to keep getting bigger. he said he wants a partner that is healthy and fit and that it’s good for my mental health also. i completely understood and agreed with him and told him i will go.

however, even though i know he’s right, i still felt bad. my weight and appearance is my biggest insecurity and hearing this from my partner out loud really hurt. yesterday he asked me “want to grab something after work to eat?”

and i said “no im not hungry” because i feel like a big fat monster eating next to him. i’m taller than him and i weigh more so now i feel uncomfortable next to him after he said this to me. should i approach him and tell him how his comment made me feel or should i just let it go because technically he is right?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Salty-Sprinkles-1562 −  I hate to break this to you, but going to the gym will have very little impact on your weight. If you want to lose weight, it’s 85% diet. Source: I’m a personal trainer and nutrition coach. If you want to lose weight, get into a calorie deficit and go for walks.

sthetic −  You shouldn’t be afraid to eat in front of your partner. However, going against the grain a little – he didn’t tell you to stop eating. He didn’t insult you. It sounds like he brought up the topic with sensitivity. I’m sure he would be horrified to know that this is your reaction.

He’s not wrong or shallow to care how much you weigh, to point out that you have gained weight since you met him, to admit it makes him feel less attracted to you, and to try to get you back on track with your healthy habits.

It’s better for him to share this with you, and ask for a change, than to stay with you and be resentful, or just d**p you without saying why.
I think it’s immature for you to react defensively and say, “Well, I guess I’ll just starve myself, since you hate me unless I am super skinny!”

Nobody asked for that. He suggested you get back into the gym habit. He brought up the topic with concern for you, and with gentle honesty on his part. I understand that urge on your part, but it’s not really productive.

Feel free to share with him how the comment made you feel – but realize your feelings stem from your insecurity, not awful behaviour on his part. Or you can just “d**p him and instantly lose 150 lbs!” the way many Redditors will suggest.

nnylam −  i know what i did was wrong. You haven’t done anything wrong, you’re just existing! I’m worried about why you feel like you have? Is he making you feel like you should? Was this feeling there before he came along? Shame and feeling bad are not going to help you get to the gym, they make it harder.

You gotta go to the gym because you love and want to take care of yourself, not because you feel bad! Definitely tell him what he said made you feel bad about yourself, you’re obviously doing your best, and he doesn’t get to comment on your body.

End of story. You might gain more weight, you might lose some, but you need a partner that will encourage, love, and support you either way. Therapy might be helpful, for you!

tgbst88 −  Here is the deal he has a right to say this, and a lot of insecure people will say that a partner should support you no matter your weight.. but that isn’t how physical attraction and health concern works, and he is telling you something that is an issue for him.. it sucks but he didn’t leave you over it.

I was where you are, and my wife let me know. I was at unhealthy weight and dropped 50 pounds. The issue is that there isn’t really a nice way to tell someone they got chubby… Also, the gym wasn’t the answer for me, I got in 15k steps a day and did interment fasting..

roastmecerebrally −  He is right. You are overweight. Need more context on how it was said though and whether it had an bad/mean intention behind it

Jcalthea −  There is no nice way to say that you have gained weight when you really have. Whatever way he had said it was going to hurt your feelings, so cut down on everything that you eat and start walking every day. Leave the Pity Party, put on your big girl pants on and get to work. You can do this!

No_Promise_2560 −  I don’t think he handled things the best way, but I mean, you are overweight and you feel like you are too, so I think your own internal feelings are making you a bit sensitive to what he said, and he really put his foot in it there. So have a conversation about that if you want,!94 break up with him if you feel it was too far for you to get past.

That said, you don’t lose weight in the gym, you lose weight in the kitchen. You can’t outrun your diet. And there’s lots of workouts you can do at home that will get you into shape and not give you anxiety. I hate the gym too and have a ways to go, but it doesnt reflect on me as a human and you shouldn’t feel like it does either!

LemonBomb −  Your relationship with food sounds unhealthy, but the relationship seems great. Your partner is going to be the one spending the most time with you and their life with you, and taking their good advice and encouragement especially about health is a good thing.

It seems like you need to talk to him about your insecurities and let him in a little bit. He’s your partner he will understand, or try to, and help you. It’s a good thing.

NonaNoname −  The gym only does so much for weight loss. Eat with him but choose low calorie snacks and meals when you do. That might start a good habit that will give you more energy and show him you’re making changes so you feel less self conscious when eating with him. Just my thoughts. You got this!

visceralkites −  Your feelings are always valid. It’s easy to say this next part but try not to let words control you. Weight is not an easy issue to simply tackle and it’s also not easy to discuss.

It takes time and energy and discipline and when you feel at the worst or most insecure it’s so easy to crumble and fall back on habits you worked hard to break. Be gentle with yourself. (And go you!!) It’s possible he had good intentions and just didn’t know how to say it more sensitively or tactfully.

I know nothing about your boyfriend. But would you rather hear it from him, someone who I assume loves you and cares about you, and lives life with you, who quite possibly is trying to be honest with you? or hear it from some other random third party person? Is that what it would take?

I’m sure he still values and loves you for the person you are. I’m guessing he noticed when you built up your routine and saw it fall away. It’s possible he could have offered to work out with you to be a gym partner (if desired), or anything more supportive or positive or tactful. Healthy and fit are not undesirable outcomes.

He didn’t say he wished you to be slim and skinny and toned. He’s right on the fact that regular exercise and activity can absolutely help with mental health – no one has to have anything “wrong” with them to have benefits like that.

I’m an allied health care provider. I work with many (older) folks who grapple with larger body size with not much muscle. So when they’re sick or something happens it makes it even more difficult to manage movement and manage health challenges.

I’m not saying this stuff to criticize folks who are heavier or larger, as I know it’s not always a factor that’s easily controlled/changed. It’s simply context for my comments and observations from real life. But if one has some form of control, I think they should take it.

Have you had conversations on how he can be more supportive for you that are within his capabilities? If you plan to be with this person a long time it might be warranted to talk about how you feel. I don’t think it’s fair for him to mind read your feelings and how deeply it’s apparently affected you.

(But if he’s been with you for a while I’m guessing this topic has come up, plus, no one deserves to feel uncomfortable simply existing and functioning in their relationship?) perhaps it’s worth discussing in a neutral setting. Whatever you choose to do I hope you are happier and more comfortable and confident with everything.

Constructive conversations about health and fitness require sensitivity, especially with a partner’s insecurities. Should she share her feelings with him to foster better understanding, or let it go since he meant well? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!