My mom won’t stop inviting my ex to holidays and it’s causing a rift.

A Redditor (32F) is grappling with an ongoing issue where her mom continues to invite her ex (33M) to family holidays, causing discomfort in her current relationship. Despite breaking up with her ex almost a decade ago, her ex and his family remain involved in family events, which has led to tension with her current boyfriend (27M).

The Redditor reached out to both her ex and her mom to set boundaries, but her concerns have been dismissed, leaving her unsure how to establish her boundaries without creating conflict. Read the original story below to explore how she navigates this emotional situation.

‘ My mom won’t stop inviting my ex to holidays and it’s causing a rift. ?’

I (32f) dated C (33m) for almost 5 years from 2009 to 2014. We were engaged and I broke it off because I wasn’t ready for commitment, didnt want to have kids, and had just graduated college. The break up went like this: “me describing what I wanted out of a future relationship and how our long term goals didn’t fit together.”

“He asked, are you sure?” I said yes and he said ok and we were still friends. I feel like because the breakup wasn’t bad it didn’t give my mom an excuse to delete him and he just kinda kept being there…. every holiday.

Now C is married with 2 kids (one bio and one step) and his whole family has been going to my sisters house for the holidays since they got together. Ive actually only met her a few times because i moved out of state and cant come home every weekend, meanwhile, shes there for pretty much everything.

Every single one of my bfs after him has met C, and have been weird about it, but never actually said anything. Cut to 2023, my bf of 2 years who is my person 100%, I’ll call him B(27m), finally comes home for a holiday,

and after meeting my ex and his whole family who were at my sister’s ex husbands (they recently divorced in 2022 and it was not a nice break up, my sister is actually very mad at our mom for still going to her ex husband’s house and they even went on trips together.)

B said he feels uncomfortable that my ex is still in my families life and him and i don’t even talk. C’s wife pretty much ignored us the whole time and only talked to C and their teen. C has a mom (she’s very sweet and not crazy) he can spend the holidays with and I’m sure she has a family too.

I reached out to C and asked if he could stop coming to my families for the holidays and maybe hang around his family and he said no, I love your family like my own and I love seeing them… is this basically him telling me my feelings in the situation don’t matter and he’s just going to keep making me uncomfortable for his comfort?

Family is dwindled to my mom, my immobile dad and my sisters ex husband, occasionally her daughter from a previous marriage but she’s in college, and also weirded out by all the ex crap. I also tried to talk to my mom about it. She blew me off and said C and his family are like family.

Idk what I did wrong to make my mom act like she’d rather have sons than daughters. I’m just not sure what I have to do to set an actual boundary without getting blown off or being told my feelings don’t matter.

I didnt go to Thanksgiving this year because I asked my mom to not invite C and he was there anyway. I didnt know, just found out about it after. I don’t know how to talk to them without sounding like I’m the bad guy. How do I set boundaries and not make everyone hate me for it?.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

deadletter −  Variation on what others are saying – “I’m not interested in being at the same events as him, so if he’s there, I’ll plan not to come. If he’s there after you told me he wouldn’t be, I will leave immediately and not return. “

SushiGuacDNA −  I really would like to know how to bring up and set boundaries with my mother. Setting boundaries is not about controlling other people. So far, all you’ve done is try to boss your Mom around, which hasn’t worked. You can’t control other people: setting boundaries is what **you** will do.

Here’s how to do it. “Mom, I can’t handle being around my ex on holidays. If you invite him, then I won’t come. If he shows up, I will leave.” And then — this is a very important part — you actually have to do what you say you will do. This is the pattern for any boundary: “If you do X, then I will do Y.”

Sometimes the other person will think that your boundary is unreasonable, and they will do X anyway. That’s their choice. Maybe your boundary was unreasonable, in which case their choice is reasonable.

But that doesn’t matter. You’ve set a boundary and you’ve stuck to it. You could go no contact, but that seems extreme. In this case, to me at least, it makes more sense to simply say, “If he’s there, then I won’t be.”

firefly232 −  \ She blew me off and said C and his family are like family. Idk what I did wrong to make my mom act like she’d rather have sons than daughters. Sounds like she is also favouring your sister’s ex husband the same way?

That’s a shame. But I think you should talk to your sister, see if she will agree to a joint confrontation with your mother. And is your sister the one inviting your ex to spend holidays at her house?

That’s weird, unless they are really good friends. Is this every year? Everytime your mother says “X is like family”, say “I am actually your family, and this I hurting me. Why do you put Xs feelings and wants above mine?

Absoma −  Time to put the breaks on. Tell mom you will never go to another family event with C there. If he is there, she can expect you to walk out. It is time for her to choose. Your past is your past and it is affecting your relationships.

Doesn’t matter if they hate you, they don’t respect your feelings on it or care in the slightest what you think. Christmas will be a great time to show them your new boundaries. Show them what their future is going to be.

grumpy__g −  Does your mother even like her own daughters?

decaturbob −  – do not go over, simple. She is 100% disrespecting you and makes NO sense to put up with it

LongjumpingAgency245 −  Tell her great! He can take care you and decide your nursing home. Then block and go NC.

Equal-Brilliant2640 −  Let your mom know she is welcome to invite whom ever she wants, but if your ex is there, you won’t be. And if he shows up after you arrive (or is already there) then you grab your s**t and leave. Its that simple

And if it means you no longer see your mom? Oh well. Time to make a new family. Maybe it’s time to start a new family tradition. Can you two afford to travel over Christmas? Maybe it’s time to go somewhere tropical? Or skiing if you live in the south?

And if she accuses you of being difficult, tell her “no, you’re the one who has decided having my ex around is more important than me. I have decided to start respecting myself. Its clear you don’t respect me so I’m not longer putting up with your crap” and hang up the phone

Doughchild −  Go to your boyfriends family. Your family is getting small and your mom is investing in your ex. When she realizes you have your own options and you’re investing in those, she may rethink her strategy.

Especially if this is a guy you’re going to marry and have offspring with. But as long as you try to confront any of these people, they’re going to call you crazy and dig in. Yes, they will cause drama and make you the bad guy and they’ll hate you. Let them. Only when the dust settles, a shift in perspective can happen.

stuckinnowhereville −  Go see your dad when it’s not holidays. No more holidays or birthdays with your mom. But tell your dad why you aren’t coming anymore so he knows why.

Call your dad- not your mom, if your mom gets you on the phone- greyrock, you tell her nothing about you or your life. You talk about the weather and yes or no answers.. Stick to it.

Do you think the Redditor’s feelings about her ex still being a part of family holidays are justified, or is her family’s continued inclusion of him harmless? How would you handle a situation where your boundaries are not being respected by family members? Share your thoughts below!