My MIL said she never liked me and now I don’t want to host thanksgiving?

A Reddit user shares her emotional conflict after her mother-in-law (MIL) bluntly admitted she never liked her until recently, praising her weight loss in a way that hit deeply personal wounds. Despite years of hosting Thanksgiving with care and effort, the hurtful comments make her question whether she should host this year. Read the full story below to explore her dilemma.

‘ My MIL said she never liked me and now I don’t want to host thanksgiving?’

My partner and I have dated for a few years, lived together for two. When I first met his mom I was very nervous and wanted her to like me. I learned some customs that show respect and did them. I cooked meals from scratch for her that she loved. Holidays were hosted in our home, I would cook for days and serve the whole family, making sure every detail was perfect.

Holidays were lovely, I never had times like that with my own family and was grateful to the point of tearing up many times (not in front of my partners family). My partner and I have a business that takes up much of our time and hadn’t seen his mother much lately, so I planned a day to pick her up, take her to a local coffee shop she enjoys, and to lunch.

As soon as she saw me she immediately commented that I had lost weight and complimented me multiple times, then asking to take selfies with me so she could post them on Facebook because I looked so pretty. I have had issues with eating disorders in the past so the comments did make me feel weird. But I knew she was trying to compliment me so I didn’t say anything.

We went to lunch and she wanted to take more selfies and was again complimenting my looks. She said “You were ok before but too overweight.” I don’t know why this hurt me but it did. I blinked back tears, and the food came. I couldn’t eat it, and found myself pushing food around and only taking some bites of dry salad. My partner and mom ate, either not noticing that I wasn’t really eating or not commenting on it.

I did not want to cause a scene because again, I knew she was trying to say something nice but she is very blunt. She is not aware that I used to starve myself, she probably wouldn’t have said it if she did. After lunch, she needed to go to the restroom so I helped her (she’s in her 80s and uses a cane but needs to be steadied). While she was washing her hands she told me “You know, I never liked you but you’re ok now.”

That did it. I couldn’t hide the hurt anymore. I teared up and stammered awkwardly that her son would be right back to help her walk to the table. I went to the table and quietly told my partner I would take an Uber home, that I was upset about something his mom said but I would see him at home. His mom tried to call me but I decided not to answer.

I guess the reason I’m feeling so upset is that I’m feeling like I’m only worth something if I’m thinner. I also thought she always liked me. She acted like she did. Now it all feels fake. I don’t want to host thanksgiving anymore. Why should I kill myself cooking for days for someone who only really liked me when I lost a few pounds? My partner thinks I’m overreacting and I misunderstood her.

He said it’s normal for MILs to not like DILs at first because we “take away their sons”. But I didn’t take him away. He is the one who hasn’t made an effort to spend much time with her. Every time we have seen her is because I organized it.

But she’s old, she’s a blunt Asian mom, and she doesn’t know I had eating disorders. So am I the a**hole for wanting to cancel thanksgiving? Should I just forgive her and s**k it up so the family has a nice thanksgiving together? Am I being a huge baby?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

FantasticCabinet2623 −  NTA. You have a partner problem. Being older or Asian is no excuse to be a b**ch, and he needs to be on your side, not Mummy Dearest’s.

confidentkatt −  No, nta. That’s just downright insulting, I don’t see what good would come from those words.

Turbulent_Ebb5669 −  Oh, she’s one of those. And tell your partner it’s NOT normal for MILS to not like DILS, while it happens it’s not as common as people think.

Quiet-Hamster6509 −  ” No, it’s not normal adult behaviour. Children grow and end up having their lives with their own families. I will never say those things to any DILs I may have.” Moving forward I would put all mom stuff on him to maintain. If she messages you, ask him if she messaged him and tell him he needs to call her regarding.

Shadow4summer −  NTA. It absolutely is not the way MILs treat their DIL. Even if my son’s wife was fat, which she isn’t, I would never in a million years say that s**t. Those comments will cause resentment for a long time. I’d skip Thanksgiving this year. Just tell her you are watching your weight.

YeeHawMiMaw −  I think you should tell her, when you have the chance, ”I used to think you were ok, but I don’t like you very much now”.

DoreyCat −  I feel like this is one of the rare real posts on here. And like things that happen in real life, the answer probably isn’t easy, and it’ll depend completely on where you want to go from here, how your partner helps or doesn’t help you handle this, and what you need to do for your mental health.

First off, I don’t think you should host thanksgiving if you don’t want to. I do think you should give it till the end of this weekend to think about. However I do think this woman will benefit from having some consequences for the stupid ass s**t that comes out of her mouth. I’d also make it clear to your partner that you EXPECT their full support. There will be no more “but that’s how she is” excuses. Perhaps he means well and wants you to know it’s not “personal,” but it’s not helpful.

Finally, and this may not matter and it may not even be true, but I think there’s a possibility you’re conflating her complimenting your thinness (and the compliments around that) with that other comment about “not really liking you” before. While that comment was obviously atrocious, I do not think it means she only values you when you are thinner.

She comes from a time and culture that values women being extremely slight, lest they take up too much space. She may have assumed that this was something that should be gleefully celebrated and therefore said some really awful things. It’s possible it’s just stupid old lady s**t. I do NOT think she shld get away with this, nor do I mean to make excuses for her. I just don’t necessarily think it’s true that she “didn’t like you” before or if she didn’t, that it was because of your weight. I think she just said some stupid things.

mare__bare −  NTA but you’re still in “meek mode”. She basically lied to you this whole time, pretending to like you and then bases your value as a person on your looks. Stand up straight and tell yourself THIS IS NOT OK! And pass that message along to your partner, too. He needs to realize that excusing her behavior is a no-go and he needs to have your back 100%. As for Thanksgiving – you’ll have to see how it goes after you talk to her. But do what YOU want.

Hatter1a −  You’re human, and your feelings matter. The fact that you’ve been the one fostering the relationship with your MIL makes her comments even more painful. NTA.

GlimmFrost −  You’re not overreacting. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve support from your partner.