My [M31] GF[F29] had the cops called on her because of her screaming
A Reddit user shared the challenges of supporting their girlfriend, who is struggling with trauma and unresolved anger stemming from an abusive ex and mistreatment by the police.
Her coping mechanisms and unwillingness to seek therapy have led to concerning situations, leaving the user questioning how to move forward. Read the full story below for more insight into their dilemma
‘ My [M31] GF[F29] had the cops called on her because of her screaming’
My girlfriend has been having a hard time for the last, well, ever. Her a**sive ex had her arrested for false charges of a**ault and she was going through that when we met. The charges were eventually dropped but she’s still very angry (understandably) and wants to sue her ex and the police for how they treated her.
She says the police never investigated her side, never took her seriously and mistreated her while she was in custody. I agree with all of that but I don’t think any of it is legally actionable, unfortunately. I support her efforts to sue her ex but I mostly just wish she’d find a way to process and move on. We’ve been dating just under 2 years.
After getting in to a few arguments about it, she more or less decided to not talk about this with me anymore but I know it still bothers her. Her method of coping when she’s very upset (which happens frequently) is to just start screaming into the void.
Well last night I guess she was very upset and she told me the cops came to her door because someone called and said it sounded like she was being murdered. Everything with that went fine, thank god, but I think this might be a breaking point for me.
For some additional context, she’s not from this country and because of everything that has happened to her she hates it here. She says it’s pretty much just me and and not wanting to go back to her parents that are keeping her here.
I get really sick of hearing how horrible this country apparently is and how much better her country is (which I know it’s not), and that has been a friction point in our relationship as well but I understand where she’s coming from.
She says she doesn’t want kids because this country will steal them away and that everyone is just a small misstep away from having their life ruined by the police. And I know that’s sort of true but you can’t live like that. I want her to get therapy but she doesn’t really believe in it.
She says no therapist can understand what she’s been through and talking won’t solve anything. The only solution is to get revenge on her ex and the police. This is obviously very concerning to me. I don’t know what to do. I love her a lot but this has been getting worse and this latest thing feels like a new escalation. Looking for some persepective.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
MuppetManiac − She does not sound stable or healthy enough to be in a relationship. Run dude.
angry_manatee − I think your girlfriend might be an unreliable narrator, OP. She claims her evil ex stuck the cops on her, but here they are being called on her again without the ex in the picture. That is suspicious – and the common denominator is her.
I get screaming can be cathartic, but normal people who live near others scream into pillows or do some deep breathing exercises instead or something, ie. they demonstrate some control over their emotional responses. They don’t shriek like a banshee until the neighbours call the cops. That is uncontrolled rage.
That is a dangerous level of emotional instability and dysregulation. I suggest you get out before she turns that rage on you instead (and she will eventually), and you become her next “evil ex”. Do you know this persons name/contact info, by any chance? Cuz I bet they have a VERY different story about what happened.
redditexplorer787 − This is an unfortunate situation for you both. She needs help but you can’t help her. This is beyond your scope of expertise. Revenge is not the answer.
gudetube − You’re going to be the next target when you break up, just FYI
freethis − I 100% doubt your girlfriend’s account of her relationship with her ex and whether she was indeed falsely charged with a**ault. Regularly screaming so loudly that the police are called is abuse whether you recognize that or not.
sweadle − Given her outlook and coping mechanisms I can see why the cops maybe didn’t doubt she should be under arrest. You can’t have anger be your personality and also want everyone to calmly listen to your side.
You’re offering ways to help. I would consider thst she doesn’t want to feel better. That being angry is serving her in some way. This is who she is, not a person you met at a bad time.
Ladyughsalot1 − Frankly I would not assume she didn’t a**ault her ex with her sense of entitlement to scream without muffling it and scaring/disturbing others. I’d end it. Her mental health is hers to manage.
Fun-Childhood-4749 − How exactly would get revenge on the police? 🤦🏼♀️
1568314 − You don’t have any options that involve her being rational and helping herself. It sucks, but it’s what you have to work with.
All you can do is decide whether you are going to watch her destroy herself while dragging you down with her, or leave.
Just like with any other crisis someone is having, whether it be from an addiction, mental health, poor trauma response, whatever, all you can do is offer to help and give advice. Unless she’s unstable enough for involuntary commitment, she has to want to move on.
She’s very clearly told you that she won’t grow as a person until she’s had her “revenge”. If that’s not the life you want or the person you want to be with, you need to leave. She isn’t the person you know she could be if she moved on and started to heal.
That person doesn’t exist. You’ve noticed things start to get worse, and she still refuses help. If anything, you are making things worse by sticking around and making her irrational fixation seem normal. You’ve been there from the time this started, so you are connected to it.
It’s possible that you leaving will be the catalyst for her to either move on completely or be in a position to recieve help because she got herself arrested. Either way, you being here for her clearly isn’t doing long term good for either of you.
Inconceivable76 − When you decide to breakup with her, please make sure you are never alone with her. No one is forcing her to stay in the country she is currently in. She needs to leave. A change of scenery may do her some good.
Do you think the Reddit user’s concerns about their girlfriend’s behavior and refusal to seek therapy are valid? How would you approach a partner struggling with trauma while trying to maintain a healthy relationship? Share your thoughts below!