My (M 26) parents (M 65) (F 60) disowned me because of my choice of career – now my mom wants to reconcile

A Reddit user shared their story of being disowned by their African immigrant parents due to their unconventional career choice as a cinematographer. Years later, after finding success, their mother has reached out seeking reconciliation, while the father remains distant. The user is torn between reuniting with their parents and holding onto the pain of being rejected. Read the full story below.

‘ My (M 26) parents (M 65) (F 60) disowned me because of my choice of career – now my mom wants to reconcile’

I got kicked out by my parents a few years ago because of my choice of career. I’m a cinematographer. When I tell people that I got kicked out because of my occupation, they always think I went into something drastic like p*rn or something. But nope. I’m a filmmaker.

Some context – my parents are African immigrants (Nigerian dad, Kenyan mom). I have three older siblings. The oldest is a doctor, second oldest a lawyer and third oldest an engineer. I was supposed also to into engineering (structural). I studied it in college. My parents were dead set on me becoming an engineer like my sister.

A lot of African immigrants who come to the West want their kids to have jobs like those my older siblings have. When I graduated, I told them I was going to try my hand at filmmaking. When I was in college, I dated a chick who was going to film school. She was an editor and she introduced me to filmmaking.

I fell in love with it and began learning as much about it as I could. That summer I worked my ass off and bought myself some equipment and just started shooting. Everything and anything. It’s amazing how much you can improve at something when you do it over and over again. Even shooting things as mundane as flowers made me a better cinematographer.

I began gaining ability with the camera and during college in my free time, I started shooting stuff like music vids for local artists, corporate videos, short documentaries. By the time I graduated I felt confident I could make a living in this trade.

I was so scared to tell my parents of my decision. My dad had been talking to his friend (also an engineer) and they got me an internship at his firm. Around the same time I was offered to shoot a feature length documentary in a few countries in South Asia for six months. I chose the latter.

It didn’t go down well with the rents. We had a big argument and they kicked me out. They told me I was wasting my time with filmmaking and that it would leave me penniless and on the streets. At my sister’s wedding (a year later) they refused to talk to me. Acted like I didn’t exist. That was the last time I saw them.

When I got kicked out I had just graduated from school. I didn’t have much. My brother (the lawyer) took me in and I stayed with him for 16 months while I worked in order for me to get my own place. I’ll never forget what he did for me. My other two siblings also thought I was wasting my time with filmmaking and but he was the only one who was so supportive and had my back throughout everything.

Things are good now. I’m financially independent. My career is in a good place. Getting a steady flow of jobs. I’m also engaged and get married next year. The other day I got a message from my mom, asking how I was. She also apologized for everything that went down. She wants us to meet next weekend. She said my dad is too proud of a man to say that he wants me back in his life, but that is certainly the case..

**tl;dr**

I haven’t decided on the course of action I’m going to take. I’m inclined towards meeting her. I do miss my parents. Even though I am still hurt and angry towards what happened. And smug too, I’ll admit. They thought I would fail. Almost prayed for it to happen. It didn’t. How do you guys think I should approach this thing? How do I approach the meeting with my mom? I’ve been thinking about it over and over again. I’m nervous.. —

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

0biterdicta −  Why not meet with her and see what she has to say? Take things slowly, expect some growing pains. Since your parents kicked you out, you really get to dictate what level of involvement you’re ready for them to have in your life.

Haunting-Mortgage −  First off, congratulations. It sounds like you worked really hard and are doing well. I’m a writer / director and I know how difficult the hustle can be. Meet with your parents, see what they have to say.

You are in the drivers seat, if they aren’t contrite or don’t offer any sort of apology — you don’t have to let them back into your life. They are the ones who have to prove to you that they’re worthy of being in your life — not the other way around. Also, having them see you as a successful DP will prove how wrong they were.. Good luck!

needleworkreverie −  What is the best case scenario for this meeting? What is the worst case scenario? Do you want closure? Is there something that you’ve wanted to say to her for years? Something you wanted to hear? If you go and you don’t get the apology you’ve been wanting what will you do going forward? Whatever you do decide to do, don’t bring your fiance until you’ve had a few successful meetings under your belt.

CanadianFemale −  The more important question is: Do YOU want to reconcile with your parents? If you do, be sure to decide your limits in advance, and don’t allow them to cross the line. It’s 100% your choice what level of apology you want and what level of contact or communication you choose to have with them.

FailureCloud −  So now that you’re rich and successful they will ” recognize” you as their son, but not before? I thought they said you were wasting your time??? And then literally pretending you don’t exist? *My* petty ass would just message her back and be like. “Sorry who’s this? My parents disowned me years ago I don’t have a mom and dad that I can think of off the top of my head!”

TBH your parents are assholes, and it sounds like now that you are successful and have money, you’re an acceptable route if they require you for care/financial assistance when the become too old to care for themselves.

babylawyer86 −  I can totally relate as the child of African immigrants (and an immigrant myself). I’m impressed that she reached out…. Lord knows African parents LOVE to bear a grudge. No harm in meeting with her and seeing what she has to say….. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. More importantly…. Glad to hear that you are happy and thriving in your chosen career 🙂

Panthon13 −  Sorry, but I don’t have the same level of forgiveness that others do in these comments. I might go as far as meeting with your mother, but I’d make it very clear that I wasn’t going to be reincorporating them back into my life because they decided it was the right moment to do so.

They threw you out when you needed them. They turned their backs on both you and who you wanted to be. And now that you are doing okay, getting married, may potentially have kids, and perhaps are capable in assisting with taking care of them in their older age, they may have a use for you.

My family did something similar to me, and the problem with people in general is they are apt to repeat the same behavior. Sometimes they grow, change, mature, but often times they hold true to themselves and make the same mistakes because that is who they are.

Good luck. You know your situation better than any of us, I’m sure you will make the best decision. And above all else, congratulations on thriving in a world that was against you.

vbcbandr −  Reminds me of that funny Family Guy cutaway with the Asian dad and is 12 year old…. “You doctor yet?!?”. “No dad, I’m 12.”. “You talk to me when you doctor!”

[Reddit User] −  Wow. First of all, congratulations! It sounds like your life is going in amazing directions, and it must have taken incredible strength, courage and talent to pursue your dream with such fetters in place. I can see so much of my husband in you. He comes from a strict Asian background where he was expected to be a doctor like his father.

I know the pain it caused and still causes him when he is constantly looked down upon for his choices. But you know what, he is HAPPY with what he does. He loves it. And that is what is important to me.

I do not know what he feels and went through because my parents are so supportive of me and let me pursue whatever I wanted as long as I was happy and able to grow and stand on my own. I love so much what I do (teaching) and am thankful everyday for that support. When you love what you do, it’s never a job. It’s so much more, and you are one of the lucky few in the world who have that!

I am so sorry you did not have that support except from your brother. He is the one who stood by you and truly has your back. I always say in any relationship, whether it be love, familial, amicable, whatever, you should always want to support and never tear down. Ever. You should want what is best for the person for sure, but toxic and destructive behavior such as what your parents and other siblings showed is so very destructive, and sometimes irreparable.

It is up to you how you want to proceed. If you feel like you are in a good place to reestablish contact, go for it! Talk it over with your fiancee, whomever. Look at all of your options. But also be prepared (as was in my husband’s case) that old demons will pop up again. You may face the same discrimination and toxicity again from them and make sure you are ready to deal with that as well.

Sorry for the novel length answer, lol! I wish you the best and hope you are able to find peace in all aspects. But know you are loved and supported by your brother and fiancee–that is true. Your parents and siblings need to EARN that love and respect back from you. If you are ready, then start walking across that bridge. If not, by all means, do what is best for you. Best of luck and let us know if you have any films coming out! 🙂

juliag0700 −  Wow ok so im going to say im white and from Scotland in the uk and the way different cultures treat there children blows my mind! I have three kids 23,19,10 my oldest daughter is gay and happly married to a amazing woman!

People ask me if im disappointed that my beautiful daughter is gay! And I honestly want to slap the stupid out off them! As a mother all I want is for my children to be happy and healthy! Im sorry your parents treated you this way and if you never spoke to them again no one could blame you!

If you do meet your mum then well done for being the much better person but please dont allow them to make you feel you are in any way to blame for the falling out your fathers pride will make him a lonely old man in the end

Should the user forgive and reconcile with their parents, given their efforts to reach out, or maintain distance after years of rejection? How would you handle reconnecting with family under these circumstances? Share your thoughts below!