My Husband’s Hygiene, Hair, and Habits Are Killing My Attraction—Can This Marriage Be Saved?

The original poster (26F) shares a story of growing discontent in her long-term relationship with her high school sweetheart and husband. While they’ve built a life together, the poster has grown increasingly frustrated with her husband’s hygiene, appearance, and lack of initiative.

His unkempt, greasy hair and disregard for basic self-care have led to a loss of attraction, and she feels stuck in a relationship where her husband isn’t showing the growth she desires. She’s now questioning if this is a normal phase or if the issues are deeper.

‘ My Husband’s Hygiene, Hair, and Habits Are Killing My Attraction—Can This Marriage Be Saved?’

We’ve been high school sweethearts, did long distance, moved out, pets, got married, bought a house, the whole shindig. There was a time i was madly in love with this guy and couldn’t think how id be otherwise. Well during covid my husband found out he has “curly” hair.

Its actually a ball of matted fluff with some wave to it, but sure it was news to us so we grew it out, tried curly products and all that, i encouraged it. But now its this greasy mop that sits atop his head. Mind you his hygiene is rough too.

We recently had to have a talk about showering more than once a week, which he complied with for about that week. I along with his family and my mom have gently told him it looks horrid (think cynthia from rugrats or rick from rick and morty) and to consider at least a trim.

It honestly smells bad too and it pisses me off every time it gets on me. Now he has me putting clips in it so i have to rummage through the grease to pull it out of his face. The last few months ive become less and less attracted to him and started noticing other things that i cant seem to unnotice that has always been there but now i cant get past it like before.

Like his n**ty ass grown out toe nails with gunk under it (its apparently my duty to cut it? Hes waiting on me to trim his toes) or that he’s been dieting to loose weight and now he looks like a fragile sick man (he’s healthy but loves the frail look).

Atop all the physical stuff, theres the usual “mental” stuff like wont initiate or plan dates and taking him anywhere means dragging him or giving him a pep talk before hand to not ruin my day, needs to be told everything that needs to get done around the house,

wont listen when i approach him with these things or will work on it for about a day or a few and revert back. I get that it’s pretty dramatic but it’s not just the hair. I do think it led me to being grossed out enough to take a step back to assess the situation.

Now it feels like i’m older and know what i want in a man which is a spontaneous, high energy, social butterfly, healthy, gym loving dude type but i went with the complete opposite because i was young and in love and he’s genuinely a good dude, just not what i want in a man at this phase in life anymore.

On a day to day I keep it calm and mellow and try to get through it without loosing my cool but some days I just cant stand looking at that hair and everything else that comes with it and it pisses me off.

Im sure to him it seems like I’m bipolar or mad at nothing but it feels like im mad at everything all at once if the wind blows wrong. Is this normal? Ive been exposed to couples that stay together but seem like they just gotten worn down from each other my whole life, i don’t want that.

Is there any way to fix it since talking to him doesn’t work? He’s a great dude in many departments, better than most, but at the very least i just want him to just grow up and show his full potential. I get that the hair makes him happy but cmon.. it’s not just about the hair.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Somberliver −  Girl, I stopped reading after you had to have a talk so that he would shower more than once a week. Gross. No one would fault you for leaving.

newbeginingshey −  You’re 27. That’s still young. There’s plenty of time left for you to find a 20 something man who takes decent care of himself and have a normal relationship with him, rather than mother a 20 something toddler. It’s up to you whether you’re done or want to give it one last sincere try.

If the latter, tell him clearly that he’s your HS sweetheart, and your first love, you still have love for him but don’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t bathe, has matted hair, takes no pride in his appearance,

and expects his romantic partner to mother him by trimming his nails and making him lists to help him remember how to be an adult. Is that who he plans to be for the rest of his life? If not, what’s his game plan to turn it around. If he has one, give it 6 months to see if he can deliver.

Honestly, a haircut and showering regularly can change tomorrow. If he wants to keep you, he’ll do it. You didn’t mention depression as the cause, but if he claims it’s depression, I’d expect a diagnosis from a professional and commitment to a treatment plan from said professional.

ArtisticFerret −  Most people usually grow out of their high school relationships because people change a lot in early adulthood but you got married so that’s rough. Divorce is an option

monislaw −  So you’ve been together since you were 15? That’s awfully young, I honestly am surprised you survived this long. People change so much in that time. You’re very young still, if you no longer love him, well. Better act now not later

breadboxofbats −  You know you need to leave- you have the internet’s permission. Don’t spend the rest of your life grooming this gremlin

nessabessa34 −  You sound like me. Hello, me from two years ago! I was with my ex husband from 15-25. He was almost identical to you. Greasy, wouldn’t brush his teeth to the point they were rotting and his grandma had to pay to get them replaced.

Wouldn’t clean so I would get o**rwhelmed trying to keep up on it. No dates, no intimacy, nothing. I loved him so much and he was my best friend – but that only goes so far. I finally realized the same thing you did. I told him I wanted a divorce over and over and he wouldn’t listen to me.

Eventually I just left. I am so much happier now. I am down 35 lbs, my mental space is clearer. And I’m with a man who has basic hygiene and cleans without having to have a crying meltdown to get him to do just one load of dishes.

You already know the answer. You’re done. And that’s okay! It’s a good thing you realized now instead of when you’re 50 and can’t leave. You only get one life. Choose yourself and your happiness.

Lunoko −  Stop cutting this man’s gross ass toenails! Wtf! 🤮 Girl, please get some self-respect and break things off. He can barely shower, he smells, and he is low effort. Instead of cutting his toenails, you should be cutting this man out of your life..

And for the love of Shakespeare:. loose weight. loosing my cool. Lose* losing*. Sorry, I had to.

Doc_Hollywood1 −  To be honest, both of you would be better off with a break up. He’s probably in a comfort zone of some kind where he can’t grow. You’ve grown and resent him.

lord_heskey −  Ive been with my (now) wife since we were 16. We’re 30. The issues you are describing is not due to your ages or change between 15 – 28. No one would be attracted to a man that showers once a week, doest trim his toe nails and looks sick.